18 Months to 2 Years

On Thursday I went to by OB for my 11 week check-up and annual visit. After my pap, the dr got the doppler out to check the heartbeat and was searching for what seemed like forever. He was even pressing up on my uterus hoping to get the baby closer to the surface. After a little more time, he stops and asks me if my periods were regular...yep. So he says I'll be right back and just leaves. DH and I look at each other and my heart just drops. I know this isn't good b/c with DD I didn't have an internal exam so the dr just try without pushing my uterus up and found the heartbeat pretty much right away. So the doctor comes back into the room and explains that they want to do an ultrasound to see if they can see a heartbeat in case I'm not as far along as we thought. Also he stated that my uterus is tilted a little so the baby might be hiding. Unfortunately, I have a feeling what they are going to find. The tech finds the sac right away and zooms in on the baby. My friend just posted pictures of what her ultrasound looked like at 11 weeks and right away I know the baby isn't 11 weeks. Then I notice there's no heartbeat and the tech says what we now knew, the baby stopped developing around 9 weeks.

Since it had been 2 weeks since I lost the baby and my body didn't react, the dr scheduled me for a D&E&C the following day (Friday). However, since I have A- blood, I needed to go to the hospital Thursday afternoon for a Rhogyam shot. Let me tell you sitting in the hospital for 2 1/2 hrs after hearing that I just lost my baby was the most draining, difficult thing I could do. DH and I couldn't talk or mourn while in a triage waiting room and kind of had to act normal. Then of course everyone thinks I'm there due to a healthy pregnancy that needs the 20 wks shot. My heart just broke saying it out loud a million times. However, the hardest part was telling DD that there was no longer a baby in mommy's belly. :c(

So Friday I go to the outpatient surgery center for the procedure, and it about breaks me into a million pieces. Fortunately, my nurses were great and comforted me the best they could. I know God had a reason for this and that in His time we will have the second child that we hoped for. However, it's still very hard. We have a great support system with our friends and family but for now my heart just aches. I'm trying to be strong around DD and it helps to have her but yet she makes my heart break anytime she says the word baby.

Anyone who has gone through this, you are incredibly strong women! I never thought this would be me or would've thought it would be so hard. Why the mourning? I've never met this baby or felt this baby move. Why does it hurt so much? Will the emptiness ever go away? All I know is that God will use this for His glory and in time it will all make sense.

Thanks for listening and making it this far.