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HELP! Preteen step daughter with ADHD
An_243703 posted:
I have a soon to be 13 yr old step daughter with ADHD. She sneaks, lies, steals, is disrespectful to me andmy daughter, doesnt do her chores, gives dirty looks, sighs when I tell her to do something, is unhygienic and just passes in school. She has 3 big reminder boards in her room for her chores and "to do" lists. Her chores consist of 1 thing a day, (i.e.; set or clear table, clean room, etc.). She waits for her dad to go to another room and she follows him to whisper something silly like "can I have snack now". She only has 1 female friend at school because she doesnt like to play by others rules or what theyre playing. I have a 13 yr old daughter who does everything she's supposed to, belongs to numerous clubs, has lots of friends and is popular at school. She holds an A- avg grade score and she is very sweet. I have caught my step daughter on all 4's looking under my daughter's door as well as leaning her ear against the wall trying to listen to her on the phone. She tells lies about my daughter at school BUT when her father is home, she tells my daughter how awesome she is. My daughter and I have showed and told her how to be cleanly, neat and make friends numerous times but she won't put forth any effort, instea (the school nurse called her dad yesterday and told him he needs to do something about her hair always looking dirty), she will complain to her dad about not having friends, etc. When her dad is home, as well as when she's around people that don't really know her, she acts very quiet and super sweet, the kind of girl you want your child to play with but when she's just home with my daughter and I- she does the talking to herself loudly with derogatory comments, the rolling the eyes and all the other stuff. She tells her dad and others that we are mean to her but that's not the case. The rules of the house are; if you drop it, pick it up, take it out- put it away, turn it on- turn it off, etc. She hates when I call her on the rules, which is alot but she needs to do these things. He makes her sit on her bed and do nothing for 15 mins each time she doesnt do her chore but as soon as he walks away, she gets up and does whatever in her room. Her dad thinks she's doing her time out but my daughter and I see her. There is much more that goes on with her here that I won't get into now. This is very frustrating and I don't want to keep complaining to her dad because it will cause issues for us but I don't know how to handle this. We have lived together for 1.5 years now and I don't know how much of this is due to ADHD and how much is simply her personality. Any suggestions?
Boyzmomee responded:
Yes. Please stop involving your daughter in your step-daughter's issues. I'd advise you to engage in family counseling right away so you can learn appropriate boundaries and effective blended family parenting skills. It's not easy being a step-parent. I feel so badly for your step-daughter. She has to deal with both her parent's divorce and ADHD. She appears to have poor self esteem (lack of friends, lack of social skills, lack of hygiene) and now she has to deal with your "perfect" daughter as well. Family counseling with a good therapist can be high beneficial.

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