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Diagnosing a child- a battle between parents
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Anon_168999 posted:
Hi, I'm hoping for some advice because I dont have anyone close to me with children with ADHD. Our daughter (age is the smartest little thing you have even seen- Im sure most say that about their children Over the last two years she has become increasingly difficult in following directions & staying focused. I have almost begged and pleaded with my husband for us to get her evaluated. My hubby is frequently upset with her behavior & punishment is his only solution. IMO we have been trying it his way for almost a yr & getting nowhere. I could go on and on with examples but I will use today as a good one. My hubby had to go speak with her teacher & pick up her report card. She had straight A's & only 1 B (in art). Like Ive said, she is really bright. However, her teacher said that she is a complete disruption to the class always walking around the class and disrupting[br>the other students, that she never copies anything down, she is always drawing on everything, she is always cutting pieces of paper including her tests. The teacher has given her a notebook that only stays in school because of how she treats her materials. The teacher doesn't allow her to use glitter glue, coloring pencils, markers[br>nor scissors. She has moved her to the front of the class sitting right[br>next to her (the teacher) and yet no results. She has punished her by[br>making her stand for 10 minutes for not sitting down as she was told. I should mention that at home we have the same exact issues. NOTHING has corrected this. When she is asked about her behavior she will answer that she doesnt know why she behaves the way she does & during conversations with her she will have to be asked to repeat what you are saying to her because she doesnt keep focus and she also cant stop moving her hands and fingers. I just want to get help for her. I dont want this problem to be the dark cloud over all of us. I want to help her. Hubby said he doesnt "want a drugged child" but he's not understanding that this cant be corrected without medical intervention and as her school work gets harder im afraid her grades will drop because she cant stay focused. Thanks so much for reading and responding.
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Spchllk responded:
Anon -

I am a mother of an ADHD little boy. My husband and I have been working through our son's issues for more than two years. He was thrown out of two preschools at 3 years old for his behavior. He was on his way to being thrown out of third when we finally got him evaluated. I can understand your husband's concern regarding medicating your daughter. It is a difficult decision to make, and one that is as individual as the child you are trying to help. But to think your child "will just grow out of it" may not be the right answer, either. Do what you can to help your husband understand that to have her meet with a doctor is just one way of finding answers to some of your deepest questions about her overall well-being. You will NOT be forced to put your daughter on meds, in doing so. But, it will give you a foundation on which to build a development plan for her. One of the things my son's doctor helped us see is that ADHD kids are highly intelligent little people whose behavior has others looking at them sideways or simply gets them in trouble. If you have a true diagnosis of ADHD, then you have a starting point with your daughter's teachers in helping them understand what SHE is struggling with each day. When you know that yourself, you can come at the issues you are all struggling with from a different perspective - one that will not involve "punishment" for things she may not, at times, be able to control. You want your daughter to have every opportunity in life, and learning what she is truly going through NOW will go a long way to that end. I wish you the best of luck in continuing to discuss this with your husband. Contact me anytime if you would like to discuss further.
 
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parentsoftheworldunite replied to Spchllk's response:
Our son had all the classic signs of non-hyperactive ADD in preschool but nobody helped us understand: not his elite school, not our pediatrician. I didn't understand his behavior and unfortunately yelled at him a lot, thinking he was not trying. His difference became more and more obvious, but my husband refused to have him tested; as our son grew older he too refused to be tested because he wanted to conquer his deficits on his own. Only during his first year in college did he bring up the fact that he needed help. He was put on tiny doses of Adderol which he only took before stressful deadlines or exams - and it changed his tortured life. But the scars, including his painful social struggles and isolation at school, have marked him and us, especially me. He never had playdates, sleepovers, got invited to parties,etc. He missed social cues, Forgot/missed deadlines. It was so rough. Why put your child through that? You have a long road ahead of you and I hope your husband will not resist getting help. Your child will not be "drugged up," just find a sensitive doctor. Ask me ny questions if you like.I now work with children who have a variety of deficits, as a result of what my son had gone through.
 
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shibatori1 responded:
I completely feel for you as I have been in this same scenario for years. I also have a daughter who is extremely intelligent and we paid for WISKE testing at the age of 9 which confirmed it. She is now 18 years old and has never had a diagnosis of ADHD, nor any other behavioral disorder, even though she has all the symptoms. She hasn't been diagnosed for many reasons. She has been disruptive, mostly at home, throughout her life but my husband always refused to get family counselling, nor would he ever agree to discuss it with her pediatrician or anybody else other than me. Our daughter has always gone to private schools and anytime a teacher would share, at parent conferences, their concerns my husband would tell them that there was nothing wrong with her and that he behaved the same way as a child. Over time my husband actually had me convinced that she was just too bright for her own good. He eventually started telling our daughter that her behavior is exactly like his was, as a child. Her behavior constantly caused problems in the family unit and in our marriage because of his denial. I remember that I could never take her grocery shopping for 2 years bc of her refusal to listen and behave appropriately in public. We don't have any relatives nearby or close friends and it was rare to find a babysitter that could deal with our daughter's refusal to listen, which further compromised our marital relationship and family unit. I have a ton of examples I can give you but not enough time to do so. My husband would always say "she is exactly like me and I'm proud of it". Family life became more difficult with each year bc of both their behaviors. My parents would visit us 4x a year (would come from a different country) and stopped visiting about 6 years ago bc of my daughter's (and husband's) erratic, illogical behaviors that was so disheartening and stressful. My parents would tell us that we need family counselling to address behavioral issues and my husband would freak out on them. As our daughter got older and my husband travelled alot and wasnt home much (about age 7) she would lie to my husband by saying that she was a good girl and Mommy was being mean to her, which was not the case. My husband has never disciplined her bc he never wanted to deal with her horrific behavior. It was easier for him to let her do what she wanted, which caused me to do double parenting, and that gave him the upper hand at being the good guy. He then started to tell her that Mom has problems and to ignore Mom, purely bc he refused to deal with her progressing behavioral problems and wanted to stay on her good side bc he wanted to ignore and couldn't be bothered dealing with her issues (also bc she was exactly like him). To make a long story short...I didn't start researching BEHAVIORAL issues until my daughter entered high school. I then realized the symptoms of ADD/ADHD and BIPOLAR. I immediately realized that my husband has all the sypmtoms of ADHD since early childhood and that his conditions developed into BIPOLAR before or since our marriage (our Anniversary of 19 years is today). It's been 4 years since I researched all the sypmtoms. I tried to explain and teach my daughter to acknowledge her behavior with professionals but she refused to, simply bc my husband continued to tell her she is extremely smart and her behavior is fine. Throughout her school years I told her teachers that she zones out when deep in thought; she'd miss verbal instructions and often misunderstands (verbal/written) what is being asked of her. I now wish I hadn't done that. Throughout high school I asked all her teachers to remind her continually to come to them for pretest/exam one on one discussion, which most of the time they did. She learned to hide her behavioral issues from teachers/friends. Now a freshman at Bucknell, she is suffering from constant daily life stresses and refuses to get 'life counselling'. I URGE you to PLEAD for help w/o her Dad!
 
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shibatori1 replied to shibatori1's response:
It is good to keep your daughter at the front of the class where she'll be least distracted by other students. Over the school years, I realized my daughter had done so many sketched cartoon pictures, etc. in her school books. She became more unfocused and fidgety as she became older. Unfortunately I also became more strict and worried about her future struggles with everyday life. Four years have now passed wherein l've tried to explain why she needs to share the daily life struggles she endures. During her high school years, she would only tell me, Mom, after she'd have a major mood swing/stress and then calm down that she'd tell me she doesn't understand why she behaves so badly. When she'd suddenly stress she'd also kick, hit, throw whatever was closest to her and/or be verbally vial and THEN sometimes forget how horrible she'd be or feel so HORRIBLE within herself. ADHD is often inherited from a parent (which in my case is a definite) who refused to acknowledge they have the symptoms. My husband is almost 60 years old. The Neuro/Psych professionals have learned alot in the past 10 years and are continually learning, mostly through research studies of patients. I've researched intensely and have spoken to professionals, along with ADHD parents of younger/older children who have openly shared. It is bc of them that I openly share with you, in hopes that you will do what is best for your daughter's current and future well-being. I've been told by all the experienced ones that by teaching your child and/or spouse about addressing their feelings/behavior and acknowledging it...then that will be a most positive step to learn techniques to deal with and/or overcome daily life stresses/annoyances; how to better focus, organize, budget financially, etc. Even though my daughter has confided in me during the past 4 years, that she doesn't like the way she behaves when stressed (most of the time) and doesn't like herself after shes behaved so badly to the people she loves the most (her immediate family), and has asked me to find the right professional who has the experience to help her...she still won't talk about her behavior. She agreed to do that before she turned 18 (after starting college in August) but it didn't happen. I've been encouraging her to let me arrange life counselling at college and she continues to refuse it. I'm so stressed for her and her future. A college faculty member has suggested I contact the Dean of Students to share Ashley's continued challenges with daily life which I've not done so as of yet. My daughter loves me immensely one minute but hates me most of the the time purely bc I understand her the most and want to find help for her. She wants to keep pretending that tomorrow will be the day that she suddenly stops feeling daily life challenges. I know that day will never come until she allows herself to seek the help that is so readily available to her at one of the most prestigious colleges in our nation. She struggles to make new relationships and is completely uncomfortable at parties or social engagements when she's out of her comfort zone with new people. I can't urge you enough to insist that the pediatrician/doctor help you and your daughter find experienced professionals for family/group and individual counselling. I know that ADD/ADHD is usually diagnosed (currently) through the discussions that the doctor has with both parents (or single parent) before the age of 8. My daughter of 18 years is continuing her struggle bc my husband would never meet nor discuss her (or his) behavior with doctors. I prey that my scenario doesn't happen with you and your daughter.
 
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everhart responded:
This problem will not go away it will get harder to fix She will get depresed and give up. My daughter who is now a adult can not hold a job she will never be indepdent to live on her own. We were always told she was just lazy. She did well in school until she had to wirte things down. Just because someone gets tested does not mean you have to use meds
 
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shibatori1 replied to everhart's response:
I totally agree The problem will not go away It only gets worse when the scenario is not addressed the sypmtoms only get worse, not better
 
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Boyzmomee replied to shibatori1's response:
I feel so sad for children whose parents wont get them the help they need. In fact, I believe it is neglect.
 
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JaimieB replied to Boyzmomee's response:
You know what I have been diagnosed and undiagnosed I took medication from age 6 to age 10. I do not remember my life between that age frame... I had a horrible life after my parents divorced and a lot of other things happened were I could not go back to school because I was forced to get a job... I am now a mother and wife and stay at home mom raising my kids... I do not take medication and have not since age 10. I do just fine and I even got my GED with out the medication... My son who is 8 was diagnosed last year with ADHD. He makes good grades and does really good with following directions and listening here at home... the teach claims other wise... I DO NOT SEE IT. His so called evaluation was not even a real evaluation. 30 mins with doctor and he is diagnosed and medicated the meds made him depressed no longer the happy son I had and would not eat or drink... he was very shy which my son is outgoing he did not want to be around anyone... I only had him on medication for 5 days he was black around the eyes and pale skinned he even kept calling himself stupid... This is not right... Now I had added some rules and consistency in my house everything has been wonderful. He is not on medication and still gets good grades... Some of these schools get funded for these kids. My son did not qualify for the learning disability they suggested for him because HIS GRADES ARE GOOD. all A's and B's. It is just his personality that makes him who he is... And me as well.. ADHD has not yet been proven physically that it even exist. So why medicate these children rather then getting them outside to burn energy and socialize with other children there age... THAT WILL HELP THEM A LOT! Kids learn from others how to act and behave... If you are always yelling and fighting with them they will not hear you. Think about it when someone is yelling at you, you get heated and just block them out or fight... IT IS NOT NEGLECT!!! Do some research on behavior and ADHD. be open minded on how you would feel in there shoes at school. What if they are being bullied (my child was) And from what I read in most cases children with ADHD are the bullies! Its in the house hold and how they are taught to learn and how they are taught to listen to people. I know from experience these doctors do not even know the real diagnoses of adhd... I have went to different doctors and putting it to the test on myself since I was diagnosed myself as a child... I got diagnosed depressed or had anxiety or bi polar. I even had a doctor tell me I did not have adhd and there was nothing wrong with me... Its all how you present yourself... I even faked it!!!!! That's when they said I was adhd... Some psychologist will manipulate you in to saying things so they can diagnose you. I have been there and done it all.. so how can you be for sure that there is even any problem with anyone? People are who they are. My sons personality is what lightens our house with joy and laughter. I would not ever change him for the world... NOW I am not saying IT DOES NOT exist at all.. there are some who do have problems... Do I believe it is being misdiagnosed and used to control bad behavior when you could do it on your own? YES I DO! Let the kids out to play and have fun let them be children. if you don't then there will be serious issues in the long run... fresh air and physical activities helps the mind grow. If you don't then your child could become depressed and impulsive and misbehave they have so much energy to let out so let them let it out! Stop with the video games which messes with the brain. Eat healthy, fast foods should be an enemy as it has all kinds of chemicals in them. fresh foods have vitamins in them to balance the chemicals in the brain and body. ADHD is over used. before medicating a child try parenting classes. try everything else first. I have and it has worked.
I have researched for several years now.
 
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RevengeVN responded:
ADHD is a very interesting Topic, and its been misdiagnosis and under-diagnosed. Yes, you don't want your kid "drugged up" but in some cases this is the only choice. I don't believe in giving small children these drugs. I don't think their is ever an appropriate age to give them this drug, but if it inflicts the persons personality, social life, grades, work, etc - they it might be the choice. ADHD can mimic other disorders as-well. ADD is very under diagnosed.... from my own personal experience.


I am ADD and I honestly never knew about ADD/ADHD till a few years ago. I struggled in school... along with several learning disabilities and an IEP. I get very easily distracted in my own thoughts. I just though that was part of my personality, and that I was just labeled"dumb". I tried so hard to school... studying hours at a time.... but no information got to my head because even though I was reading the work... I would be lost in other work. I got mostly C/D/and F's. People always looked at me as if I was just stupid... it was... or should I still still VERY much is a problem. My grades slightly improved... a lot when I started on Ritalin. It comes with its problems... and I know it changes my life if I take it... because If I don't take it... that sad story is that If you talk to me... I'm thinking about about 10 other million things in my head. Having an IEP in school can also change a lot of things... but if you don't have teachers who can understand you... is a problem.


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