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Who do I talk to, what should I do?
An_254437 posted:
I would like to thank, in advance, anyone who reads this post. I know it is very long but I am struggling for an answer and possible solution.
Throughout high school, I always rushed a lot of things, did homework,studying, project,papers all at the last minute and was very confused about my lifestyle. My mind always wandered in class and still does to this day. I picked up on piano late Sophomore year/ early junior year and had a piano teacher for a good year to a year and a half. I got into composing and I only studied Frederic Chopin pieces. Whenever I had the motivation to study another composer such as Mozart or Beethoven, even simple pieces, I would fail to focus on them and just shift to composing and completely failed to study it. When college came around, I was very misinformed on everything I did. I didn't understand how dieting worked, I didn't know how to properly work out and all these factors made me spiral down into depression.

Second semester of my freshman year, things turned around for three months when I started dating but then we broke up and it took me a long time to realize that my happiness could not be fulfilled by relying on another person. The final months of second semester were tormenting and I didn't know how to deal with it. When the time came to finally leave school and start my summer, things changed.

I picked up a caddy job which I would wake up at 5:30 am everyday and made me feel a lot better and scheduled. I changed my diet, worked out and spent a lot of time with my best friends. Summer was reallly great and in all of the pictures I am present it, it is clear I was at my utmost happiness level.

Now, I am in three and a half months into my second semester and rarely have I felt depressed. My mind still wanders and I find it hard to stick to a schedule. No matter how hard I try, I get in the habit of leaving things to the last minute because I convince myself that I'll get it done but usually it ends up not working out.

Recently, I experimented with Adderal. I took a 15 mg and that gave me headaches. For a whole week I took a 10 mg tablet everyday and somewhere along the third day, everything changed. I comprehended everything I studied, visualized and practiced. My speaking skills and interacting with people significantly improved. I began writing a melody on the first day and by the third, I kid you not, I improvised a Valse style piece with a Nocturne theme in the middle section. When I played the song in front of my music buddies, I asked them "what did you think of that song" and they remarked " it sounded like a mix of Mozart and Chopin." When I told them that I just literally improvised that song on the spot, they were astonished. I did not understand what was going on, but it was amazing. I started to become more organized and had emotions, which I rarely express fully. Everything I read and did expanded my mind and I understood everything. For the first time, emotions made sense. Everything made sense. I began researching Chemical imbalances of the brain through my Psych book and online sources and I am convinced I have an imbalance.

Long story short, my mind is always jumping from one thing to another with very little direct attention to the subject at hand. When I play piano, study, or do any activity without the use of adderall, I feel like a mindless zombie and do not feel like a normal human being and have been feeling like this since high school. I don't enjoy anything nor do I stay focused or motivated. When I am on adderall, I feel like I am on the same playing field as my peers and I also feel Brilliant, Motivated, Organized, Social and most importantly, Happy.

What should I do?

**Currently experimenting with 5mgs a day after not taking it for a few days. Tomorrow is day two of this experiment.**

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