Loving someone with ADD
Melagain posted:
Please HELP. My boyfriend of a little over a year has ADD and has been treated for it since he was 25, he is now 38. So I was thinking he would probably have this somewhat under control. Everything seemed to be fine, great in fact, until I lost my job last November. The first couple of months were straining, but I chalked it up to stress and too much time on my hands. But that's when I started noticing changes in him. It seemed like the more I needed him the more he has started pulling away. We were pretty much living together for the past six months and then out of the blue 5 weeks ago, he said he was going to start staying at his house. I only see him now a couple of days a week. We hadn't spent an evening apart in the previous six months. All of this one week after I had a major operation on my jaw. I guess bottom line is, the more I need him, the more he runs from me. He says it's not me and that it's him and he can't handle being pressured. He said that he cared about me but he wasn't sure how much when just a couple weeks prior he told he loved me for the first time. So naturally I was heartbroken and confused to why the sudden change of heart. Then I talked to my sister who works as a social worker with kids, a lot of them with ADD/ADHD. She said that it's not anything I did or said it's just that when he realized that he did love me, the responsibility and more pressure that involved, his ADD was telling him that it was too much for him handle. She asked me about his behavior (ie. not sleeping well (jumpy feeling), tired or not feeling well most of the time, impulse spending, not listening, chronic tardiness) she said it sounds like his medication is not working. He has been on Aderrall for so long that he just doesn't seem to think there is anything else to help him. Trying to talk to him about his ADD or our relationship seems to aggravate him more. Can anyone that maybe has similar things happening or happened in the past that they have overcome, please let me in on what to do??? I know that he loves me, and I don't want to lose him if there is something I can do to prevent it. I have tried, backing off, giving him space but I want to be there for him and he says he doesn't want to hurt me any more, that he was used to being alone, that this has happened to him before when he was married. Please any advice or help would be appreciated.
7 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDPlease HELP. My boyfriend of a little over a year has ADD and has been treated for it since he was 25, he is now 38. So I was thinking he would probably have this somewhat under control. Everything seemed to be fine, great in fact, until I lost my job last November. The first couple of months were straining, but I chalked it up to stress and too much time on my hands. But that's when I started noticing changes in him. It seemed like the more I needed him the more he has started pulling away. We were pretty much living together for the past six months and then out of the blue 5 weeks ago, he said he was going to start staying at his house. I only see him now a couple of days a week. We hadn't spent an evening apart in the previous six months. All of this one week after I had a major operation on my jaw. I guess bottom line is, the more I need him, the more he runs from me. He says it's not me and that it's him and he can't handle being pressured. He said that he cared about me but he wasn't sure how much when just a couple weeks prior he told he loved me for the first time. So naturally I was heartbroken and confused to why the sudden change of heart. Then I talked to my sister who works as a social worker with kids, a lot of them with ADD/ADHD. She said that it's not anything I did or said it's just that when he realized that he did love me, the responsibility and more pressure that involved, his ADD was telling him that it was too much for him handle. She asked me about his behavior (ie. not sleeping well (jumpy feeling), tired or not feeling well most of the time, impulse spending, not listening, chronic tardiness) she said it sounds like his medication is not working. He has been on Aderrall for so long that he just doesn't seem to think there is anything else to help him. Trying to talk to him about his ADD or our relationship seems to aggravate him more. Can anyone that maybe has similar things happening or happened in the past that they have overcome, please let me in on what to do??? I know that he loves me, and I don't want to lose him if there is something I can do to prevent it. I have tried, backing off, giving him space but I want to be there for him and he says he doesn't want to hurt me any more, that he was used to being alone, that this has happened to him before when he was married. Please any advice or help would be appreciated.
teeny79 responded:
It sounds like he needs some space to sort through his feelings. The more you push the more you are going to drive a wedge between the two of you. Give him the time and space he needs and just be there without holding a grudge when he needs you to be. By doing this you will prove to him that you love him and can be there in a non-nagging way.
You can't force him to want to change, it needs to be him that makes that decision. For this reason it may not work out and if that happens you will have to just move on. I know you want to help him but he doesn't want you to help him.
If your relationship is meant to be then there is nothing that will change that and nothing that you two won't be able to get through, on the other hand if it isn't meant to be there is nothing you can do to save it. Quit trying so hard to help him and fix things and just relax and accept him the way he is, a person who doesn't like change or stress. When you relax a little and give him his space he will probably appreciate that and realize what he has. As the old saying goes if you give a bird it's freedom and it flies away it was never meant to be but if it comes back then you know that you have true love.( i'm not sure but i think that's close to how it goes lol
)
You can't force him to want to change, it needs to be him that makes that decision. For this reason it may not work out and if that happens you will have to just move on. I know you want to help him but he doesn't want you to help him.
If your relationship is meant to be then there is nothing that will change that and nothing that you two won't be able to get through, on the other hand if it isn't meant to be there is nothing you can do to save it. Quit trying so hard to help him and fix things and just relax and accept him the way he is, a person who doesn't like change or stress. When you relax a little and give him his space he will probably appreciate that and realize what he has. As the old saying goes if you give a bird it's freedom and it flies away it was never meant to be but if it comes back then you know that you have true love.( i'm not sure but i think that's close to how it goes lol
)Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDIt sounds like he needs some space to sort through his feelings. The more you push the more you are going to drive a wedge between the two of you. Give him the time and space he needs and just be there without holding a grudge when he needs you to be. By doing this you will prove to him that you love him and can be there in a non-nagging way. <br><br>You can't force him to want to change, it needs to be him that makes that decision. For this reason it may not work out and if that happens you will have to just move on. I know you want to help him but he doesn't want you to help him. <br><br>If your relationship is meant to be then there is nothing that will change that and nothing that you two won't be able to get through, on the other hand if it isn't meant to be there is nothing you can do to save it. Quit trying so hard to help him and fix things and just relax and accept him the way he is, a person who doesn't like change or stress. When you relax a little and give him his space he will probably appreciate that and realize what he has. As the old saying goes if you give a bird it's freedom and it flies away it was never meant to be but if it comes back then you know that you have true love.( i'm not sure but i think that's close to how it goes lol <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/smile.gif" align="top" border="0"> )
ChristophorM responded:
I'm a guy the same age as your BF. I have ADHD. I'm basing this on what you've posted and my own experience. Here's how it looks to me.
ADHD Basics: Imagine you have 10 TV's and 10 radios on different channels and 10 little kids jumping up and down saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all at full volume from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. The less interesting something is, the less likely you'll be able to keep it in focus. You have to constantly fight to keep yourself on track because you never know what's going to grab your attention next. If something REALLY interesting happens your mind hyper-focuses on it and blocks out EVERYTHING else until the excitement passes. It's pretty much the only time you feel in control. When we're younger we seek excitement. When we get older, we just go with the flow.
Adderall is like magic. For 8-12 hours its all just white noise. When they wear off, the noise is back to full volume and you can't shut it off. Some days they don't work at all.
Now imagine going through your daily life with all of the stresses people normally experience, but with all of that noise in your head. It's hard to focus. You make stupid mistakes. You take care of the important stuff but let the little things slide. The house is a mess, but the rent is paid on time. VICTORY! You don't bother yourself with every little detail. People often get upset with you. You're not always sure why. You accept it. It doesn't matter anyway. An apology takes care of most slip-ups with strangers. You keep your encounters brief and move on. You don't make too many commitments. You keep the friends you have, and keep everyone else at a distance because it's easier than adapting to a new person in your life. You get by OK by your self.
You meet someone who is so cool, they block out all distractions. You can't think about anything else. You're on the ball. You're focused. If you make a mistake you fix it before they notice. It's easy to stay on track. This is great!
After a few months, the novelty wears off. Things start to normalize. The excitement level isn't as high. It's harder to keep your mind focused. You don't want to let them down. You know you have to get it together if you want to keep them in your life. You do OK for a while. Distractions creep up on you. You start making stupid mistakes AGAIN. But they don't get mad. They let it go. The other person is starting to depend on you more and more. The stress builds up with each new demand on your attention. You can see the other person is trying to be patient, but there's a lot going on. They're stressed out too.
You need to reassure them. You just go for it and tell them your feelings. Hey! It worked. She's happy.....
Suddenly it sinks in. You you can't keep this up forever. Eventually, she's going to see who you really are. You know you can't trust yourself to ALWAYS do the right thing. In the back of your head, you're afraid things are going to fall apart the way they do every time. You question whether you want to go through that again. It gets more and more stressful until you need a break. You need your old routine so you can feel normal. You used to have everything under control. Now you have to worry about someone else too.
So, you try to explain what's going on in your head, but you suck at that kind of thing. You realize you're probably making things worse. So you just cut your losses and go home.
The whole time there are 10 TV's, 10 Radios and 10 little kids screaming at the top of their lungs "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"
--
Obviously, I don't know your whole situation. That's how I'd feel if I were him. I'm divorced too. I've been with my current wife for 10 years. Married for 9. I still feel like that sometimes. Only I don't have anywhere to go. So, I do yard work or hide out in the garage until my head clears. That's probably why old people have nice yards. LOL
I'm running out of space so I'll post again with some
ADHD Basics: Imagine you have 10 TV's and 10 radios on different channels and 10 little kids jumping up and down saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all at full volume from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. The less interesting something is, the less likely you'll be able to keep it in focus. You have to constantly fight to keep yourself on track because you never know what's going to grab your attention next. If something REALLY interesting happens your mind hyper-focuses on it and blocks out EVERYTHING else until the excitement passes. It's pretty much the only time you feel in control. When we're younger we seek excitement. When we get older, we just go with the flow.
Adderall is like magic. For 8-12 hours its all just white noise. When they wear off, the noise is back to full volume and you can't shut it off. Some days they don't work at all.
Now imagine going through your daily life with all of the stresses people normally experience, but with all of that noise in your head. It's hard to focus. You make stupid mistakes. You take care of the important stuff but let the little things slide. The house is a mess, but the rent is paid on time. VICTORY! You don't bother yourself with every little detail. People often get upset with you. You're not always sure why. You accept it. It doesn't matter anyway. An apology takes care of most slip-ups with strangers. You keep your encounters brief and move on. You don't make too many commitments. You keep the friends you have, and keep everyone else at a distance because it's easier than adapting to a new person in your life. You get by OK by your self.
You meet someone who is so cool, they block out all distractions. You can't think about anything else. You're on the ball. You're focused. If you make a mistake you fix it before they notice. It's easy to stay on track. This is great!
After a few months, the novelty wears off. Things start to normalize. The excitement level isn't as high. It's harder to keep your mind focused. You don't want to let them down. You know you have to get it together if you want to keep them in your life. You do OK for a while. Distractions creep up on you. You start making stupid mistakes AGAIN. But they don't get mad. They let it go. The other person is starting to depend on you more and more. The stress builds up with each new demand on your attention. You can see the other person is trying to be patient, but there's a lot going on. They're stressed out too.
You need to reassure them. You just go for it and tell them your feelings. Hey! It worked. She's happy.....
Suddenly it sinks in. You you can't keep this up forever. Eventually, she's going to see who you really are. You know you can't trust yourself to ALWAYS do the right thing. In the back of your head, you're afraid things are going to fall apart the way they do every time. You question whether you want to go through that again. It gets more and more stressful until you need a break. You need your old routine so you can feel normal. You used to have everything under control. Now you have to worry about someone else too.
So, you try to explain what's going on in your head, but you suck at that kind of thing. You realize you're probably making things worse. So you just cut your losses and go home.
The whole time there are 10 TV's, 10 Radios and 10 little kids screaming at the top of their lungs "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"
--
Obviously, I don't know your whole situation. That's how I'd feel if I were him. I'm divorced too. I've been with my current wife for 10 years. Married for 9. I still feel like that sometimes. Only I don't have anywhere to go. So, I do yard work or hide out in the garage until my head clears. That's probably why old people have nice yards. LOL
I'm running out of space so I'll post again with some
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDI'm a guy the same age as your BF. I have ADHD. I'm basing this on what you've posted and my own experience. Here's how it looks to me. <br><br>ADHD Basics: Imagine you have 10 TV's and 10 radios on different channels and 10 little kids jumping up and down saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all at full volume from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. The less interesting something is, the less likely you'll be able to keep it in focus. You have to constantly fight to keep yourself on track because you never know what's going to grab your attention next. If something REALLY interesting happens your mind hyper-focuses on it and blocks out EVERYTHING else until the excitement passes. It's pretty much the only time you feel in control. When we're younger we seek excitement. When we get older, we just go with the flow. <br><br>Adderall is like magic. For 8-12 hours its all just white noise. When they wear off, the noise is back to full volume and you can't shut it off. Some days they don't work at all. <br><br>Now imagine going through your daily life with all of the stresses people normally experience, but with all of that noise in your head. It's hard to focus. You make stupid mistakes. You take care of the important stuff but let the little things slide. The house is a mess, but the rent is paid on time. VICTORY! You don't bother yourself with every little detail. People often get upset with you. You're not always sure why. You accept it. It doesn't matter anyway. An apology takes care of most slip-ups with strangers. You keep your encounters brief and move on. You don't make too many commitments. You keep the friends you have, and keep everyone else at a distance because it's easier than adapting to a new person in your life. You get by OK by your self. <br><br>You meet someone who is so cool, they block out all distractions. You can't think about anything else. You're on the ball. You're focused. If you make a mistake you fix it before they notice. It's easy to stay on track. This is great! <br><br>After a few months, the novelty wears off. Things start to normalize. The excitement level isn't as high. It's harder to keep your mind focused. You don't want to let them down. You know you have to get it together if you want to keep them in your life. You do OK for a while. Distractions creep up on you. You start making stupid mistakes AGAIN. But they don't get mad. They let it go. The other person is starting to depend on you more and more. The stress builds up with each new demand on your attention. You can see the other person is trying to be patient, but there's a lot going on. They're stressed out too. <br><br>You need to reassure them. You just go for it and tell them your feelings. Hey! It worked. She's happy..... <br><br>Suddenly it sinks in. You you can't keep this up forever. Eventually, she's going to see who you really are. You know you can't trust yourself to ALWAYS do the right thing. In the back of your head, you're afraid things are going to fall apart the way they do every time. You question whether you want to go through that again. It gets more and more stressful until you need a break. You need your old routine so you can feel normal. You used to have everything under control. Now you have to worry about someone else too. <br><br>So, you try to explain what's going on in your head, but you suck at that kind of thing. You realize you're probably making things worse. So you just cut your losses and go home. <br><br>The whole time there are 10 TV's, 10 Radios and 10 little kids screaming at the top of their lungs "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" <br><br>-- <br><br>Obviously, I don't know your whole situation. That's how I'd feel if I were him. I'm divorced too. I've been with my current wife for 10 years. Married for 9. I still feel like that sometimes. Only I don't have anywhere to go. So, I do yard work or hide out in the garage until my head clears. That's probably why old people have nice yards. LOL <br><br>I'm running out of space so I'll post again with some
teeny79 responded:
I also wanted to say that sometimes i just don't want to be bothered by anyone. Today for instance my hubby is wanting to see me and spend time with me. He just wants to be in the same room as me but for me it is a bit much right now. I would rather he just go somewhere or find something to do that doesn't include me. I have add and got into an argument with my mom last night so i think i'm a little more stressed about it today and having my hubby invading my personal space when i'm trying to sort this out is more than i can bear but how do i tell him nicely to just go away? I can't so i act a little standoffish and hope he gets the hint. I still haven't figured out a way of letting him know that i need that space sometimes.
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDI also wanted to say that sometimes i just don't want to be bothered by anyone. Today for instance my hubby is wanting to see me and spend time with me. He just wants to be in the same room as me but for me it is a bit much right now. I would rather he just go somewhere or find something to do that doesn't include me. I have add and got into an argument with my mom last night so i think i'm a little more stressed about it today and having my hubby invading my personal space when i'm trying to sort this out is more than i can bear but how do i tell him nicely to just go away? I can't so i act a little standoffish and hope he gets the hint. I still haven't figured out a way of letting him know that i need that space sometimes.
BurnSith responded:
Holy crap people here have issues! It's like our own boquet stress. Now, what Christopher said, I agree with 90% of it. The 10% is the whole explanation of things which you're not good at. I didn't try that one which I probably should have. I told my GF before we ever got together that I had ADHD and she didn't seem to mind. 1 1/2 years after I moved to NY to be with her, she left me for another guy.
The whole point, in a nutshell is basically this. Us ADD/ADHD people are like those big soft rubber balls with rubber spines sticking out of them. At any time, one of those spines can snap off. Suddenly our world is thrown off track and we are desperate to figure out how to fix it since we dont have any glue on hand. Sometimes we need space and sometimes we need to be suffocated with attention. It's really very difficult to tell which is which because times change so rapidly for us.
Unfortunately, it can take days, to weeks, sometimes even months to a year to figure things out. Our patterns are usually pretty inconsistent and the patterns that we do hold tight to are highly treasured. One small slip and we're entirely confused.
What wont help is the next thing. I've been celibate for around 2 years, and staying entirely away from relationships. Every single relationship I've had has gone down the drain within 2 years. Knowing this, it's left my life less complicated and I've trained my mind and body not to depend on the adoration or desire to be with another person. So far, it's worked really well for me. Yes, I still do have parts of me that miss it and still love the women I fell in love with, but doing without that has kept my mind clear for ages now. Unfortunately, now there's the women at work. But still keeping to my ways for the time being.
I know that last part hasn't helped, but whatever you do, keep an open mind. For your sake and your BF's
The whole point, in a nutshell is basically this. Us ADD/ADHD people are like those big soft rubber balls with rubber spines sticking out of them. At any time, one of those spines can snap off. Suddenly our world is thrown off track and we are desperate to figure out how to fix it since we dont have any glue on hand. Sometimes we need space and sometimes we need to be suffocated with attention. It's really very difficult to tell which is which because times change so rapidly for us.
Unfortunately, it can take days, to weeks, sometimes even months to a year to figure things out. Our patterns are usually pretty inconsistent and the patterns that we do hold tight to are highly treasured. One small slip and we're entirely confused.
What wont help is the next thing. I've been celibate for around 2 years, and staying entirely away from relationships. Every single relationship I've had has gone down the drain within 2 years. Knowing this, it's left my life less complicated and I've trained my mind and body not to depend on the adoration or desire to be with another person. So far, it's worked really well for me. Yes, I still do have parts of me that miss it and still love the women I fell in love with, but doing without that has kept my mind clear for ages now. Unfortunately, now there's the women at work. But still keeping to my ways for the time being.
I know that last part hasn't helped, but whatever you do, keep an open mind. For your sake and your BF's
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDHoly crap people here have issues! It's like our own boquet stress. Now, what Christopher said, I agree with 90% of it. The 10% is the whole explanation of things which you're not good at. I didn't try that one which I probably should have. I told my GF before we ever got together that I had ADHD and she didn't seem to mind. 1 1/2 years after I moved to NY to be with her, she left me for another guy. <br><br>The whole point, in a nutshell is basically this. Us ADD/ADHD people are like those big soft rubber balls with rubber spines sticking out of them. At any time, one of those spines can snap off. Suddenly our world is thrown off track and we are desperate to figure out how to fix it since we dont have any glue on hand. Sometimes we need space and sometimes we need to be suffocated with attention. It's really very difficult to tell which is which because times change so rapidly for us. <br><br>Unfortunately, it can take days, to weeks, sometimes even months to a year to figure things out. Our patterns are usually pretty inconsistent and the patterns that we do hold tight to are highly treasured. One small slip and we're entirely confused. <br><br>What wont help is the next thing. I've been celibate for around 2 years, and staying entirely away from relationships. Every single relationship I've had has gone down the drain within 2 years. Knowing this, it's left my life less complicated and I've trained my mind and body not to depend on the adoration or desire to be with another person. So far, it's worked really well for me. Yes, I still do have parts of me that miss it and still love the women I fell in love with, but doing without that has kept my mind clear for ages now. Unfortunately, now there's the women at work. But still keeping to my ways for the time being. <br><br>I know that last part hasn't helped, but whatever you do, keep an open mind. For your sake and your BF's
Reefgirl70 replied to ChristophorM's response:
I recently got involved and fell in love with a man with ADD. We've been friends for many years (distant friends, he was actually very close with my parents who are both gone now, he was there when my dad died and was the one to tell me over the phone that he was gone)
I'm crazy, mad in love with him and want so much to build a life together, have kids (he's 45 and the last male in his family to carry on his name). He told me he wanted to get married and have kids, I was certain I was done (I'm divorced with a 16 and 18 y/o) but have opened myself up to it and now want nothing more than to do this with him. So....I went ALL IN thinking this is what he wants. Things were hot, then he withdrew, then came back, etc... He's said things like "you're perfect", "you're too good for me", "where have you been all my life" to "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship", "I feel like you're pressuring me", etc.. So, I told him I was fine with taking things as slow as he wants. We used to talk every night for nearly an hour (we live in different states) and now he sometimes won't call for days.
I know we could be absolutely PERFECT together and I know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him (he's said so too) He's said, "I know you're the best for me, I'm just not sure I'm the best for you". I feel like it's a cop-out line. It certainly is for most men and makes me want to just throw in the towel and say, "Fine, call me when you know what you want" but on the other hand I feel like he really needs me and I can finally be the one person (woman) in his life that can make everything better and take all his worries away...if he would only let me. I don't think the distance is helping us and am willing to move in with him but he feels like we're moving too fast. But, we've been friends forever and we're not young and I would keep my apartment here...
So, now I'm trying to take the ADD into consideration on how to melt his heart and prove to him that I'm not like all the others and that this CAN and WILL work if he just gives us a chance. I'm not sure whether to give him loads of space and not call him when he doesn't call (which I feel just sets us back more) or to call and leave uplifting, loving messages (knowing he may not call back). If I don't call and wait for him to call (which could take days), I feel like he may think that I don't care. All the crap I've been reading on how to "catch and keep him" etc, say not to call...make them chase you. Well, he pursued me and I let him catch me (probably too soon but I'm not a game player) and now I want him to know I'm not going to bail. So, if I play that game of not calling just because he's not calling and has retreated to his cave, I'm being like every other woman. But, if I call every day and he doesn't call back, he may feel like I'm pressuring. I'm in between a rock and a hard place.
All I want is to be there for him, every day, in every way and create a wonderful life together. All his friends and family tell him he's crazy if he doesn't marry me, which I think scares him even more.
So....how do I handle a man with ADD whose been hurt by other women and thinks he's not good enough for me?
Constant reassurance? Space? If I send a text simply saying "I love you. I'm not giving up on you" when he's not calling will he withdraw more?
Please help!
Thanks
I'm crazy, mad in love with him and want so much to build a life together, have kids (he's 45 and the last male in his family to carry on his name). He told me he wanted to get married and have kids, I was certain I was done (I'm divorced with a 16 and 18 y/o) but have opened myself up to it and now want nothing more than to do this with him. So....I went ALL IN thinking this is what he wants. Things were hot, then he withdrew, then came back, etc... He's said things like "you're perfect", "you're too good for me", "where have you been all my life" to "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship", "I feel like you're pressuring me", etc.. So, I told him I was fine with taking things as slow as he wants. We used to talk every night for nearly an hour (we live in different states) and now he sometimes won't call for days.
I know we could be absolutely PERFECT together and I know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him (he's said so too) He's said, "I know you're the best for me, I'm just not sure I'm the best for you". I feel like it's a cop-out line. It certainly is for most men and makes me want to just throw in the towel and say, "Fine, call me when you know what you want" but on the other hand I feel like he really needs me and I can finally be the one person (woman) in his life that can make everything better and take all his worries away...if he would only let me. I don't think the distance is helping us and am willing to move in with him but he feels like we're moving too fast. But, we've been friends forever and we're not young and I would keep my apartment here...
So, now I'm trying to take the ADD into consideration on how to melt his heart and prove to him that I'm not like all the others and that this CAN and WILL work if he just gives us a chance. I'm not sure whether to give him loads of space and not call him when he doesn't call (which I feel just sets us back more) or to call and leave uplifting, loving messages (knowing he may not call back). If I don't call and wait for him to call (which could take days), I feel like he may think that I don't care. All the crap I've been reading on how to "catch and keep him" etc, say not to call...make them chase you. Well, he pursued me and I let him catch me (probably too soon but I'm not a game player) and now I want him to know I'm not going to bail. So, if I play that game of not calling just because he's not calling and has retreated to his cave, I'm being like every other woman. But, if I call every day and he doesn't call back, he may feel like I'm pressuring. I'm in between a rock and a hard place.
All I want is to be there for him, every day, in every way and create a wonderful life together. All his friends and family tell him he's crazy if he doesn't marry me, which I think scares him even more.
So....how do I handle a man with ADD whose been hurt by other women and thinks he's not good enough for me?
Constant reassurance? Space? If I send a text simply saying "I love you. I'm not giving up on you" when he's not calling will he withdraw more?
Please help!
Thanks
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDI recently got involved and fell in love with a man with ADD. We've been friends for many years (distant friends, he was actually very close with my parents who are both gone now, he was there when my dad died and was the one to tell me over the phone that he was gone) <br />I'm crazy, mad in love with him and want so much to build a life together, have kids (he's 45 and the last male in his family to carry on his name). He told me he wanted to get married and have kids, I was certain I was done (I'm divorced with a 16 and 18 y/o) but have opened myself up to it and now want nothing more than to do this with him. So....I went ALL IN thinking this is what he wants. Things were hot, then he withdrew, then came back, etc... He's said things like "you're perfect", "you're too good for me", "where have you been all my life" to "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship", "I feel like you're pressuring me", etc.. So, I told him I was fine with taking things as slow as he wants. We used to talk every night for nearly an hour (we live in different states) and now he sometimes won't call for days.<br />I know we could be absolutely PERFECT together and I know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him (he's said so too) He's said, "I know you're the best for me, I'm just not sure I'm the best for you". I feel like it's a cop-out line. It certainly is for most men and makes me want to just throw in the towel and say, "Fine, call me when you know what you want" but on the other hand I feel like he really needs me and I can finally be the one person (woman) in his life that can make everything better and take all his worries away...if he would only let me. I don't think the distance is helping us and am willing to move in with him but he feels like we're moving too fast. But, we've been friends forever and we're not young and I would keep my apartment here...<br />So, now I'm trying to take the ADD into consideration on how to melt his heart and prove to him that I'm not like all the others and that this CAN and WILL work if he just gives us a chance. I'm not sure whether to give him loads of space and not call him when he doesn't call (which I feel just sets us back more) or to call and leave uplifting, loving messages (knowing he may not call back). If I don't call and wait for him to call (which could take days), I feel like he may think that I don't care. All the crap I've been reading on how to "catch and keep him" etc, say not to call...make them chase you. Well, he pursued me and I let him catch me (probably too soon but I'm not a game player) and now I want him to know I'm not going to bail. So, if I play that game of not calling just because he's not calling and has retreated to his cave, I'm being like every other woman. But, if I call every day and he doesn't call back, he may feel like I'm pressuring. I'm in between a rock and a hard place.<br />All I want is to be there for him, every day, in every way and create a wonderful life together. All his friends and family tell him he's crazy if he doesn't marry me, which I think scares him even more.<br />So....how do I handle a man with ADD whose been hurt by other women and thinks he's not good enough for me?<br />Constant reassurance? Space? If I send a text simply saying "I love you. I'm not giving up on you" when he's not calling will he withdraw more?<br />Please help!<br />Thanks <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/smile.gif" align="top" border="0">
saeshorty replied to Reefgirl70's response:
hello reefgirl70,
i have a very similar story. i'm in a long distance relationship with a man who i recently discovered he has ADHD. he tells me all the same things, "you're the one, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, i'm the happiest when i'm with you" along with "i'm not the marrying type, i don't like the pressure." i also read up on relationship articles. i would have a calm, logical talk with him about our future, and he would agree and then completely change the subject. for a long time, i just thought he was being 'a guy.' so i would drop marriage for a while, and try to discuss it later. he tells that he loves me, and his actions definitely say so, but then he would shut me down. back and forth, back and forth. i also want so badly to build a future, we both prefer to not have children, and would love to explore the world...you know how rare it is to find that?
Not realizing his condition, I tried to break up with him a few times, and he kept pursuing me. spending more and more time with him, he made it hard. i tried to ask him nicely to see a doctor to talk about treatment, but he doesn't see anything wrong with himself and how he lives his life. i called his mother and she thinks 'it's how he chooses to live his life, he's an adult.' i can't be the only one encouraging him to seek help. i talked to a close friend who works for social services, and he says it has to be him to make the choice to seek help. and that i shouldn't waste energy/time. so space would my advice, passed from an expert. i'm on the fence about whether to stay or move on, because his ADHD is saying he wants a distance relationship, so it doesn't help me in any way. i'm definitely drained but i love him, and i don't know how to continue. i'm glad i found this site, i don't know anyone in my shoes. i'm totally new to dealing with this, but does anyone know if ADD/ADHD 'make you feel like you're in love'? like it have been his ADHD telling me he loves me? please be honest. Thank you!
saeshorty
i have a very similar story. i'm in a long distance relationship with a man who i recently discovered he has ADHD. he tells me all the same things, "you're the one, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, i'm the happiest when i'm with you" along with "i'm not the marrying type, i don't like the pressure." i also read up on relationship articles. i would have a calm, logical talk with him about our future, and he would agree and then completely change the subject. for a long time, i just thought he was being 'a guy.' so i would drop marriage for a while, and try to discuss it later. he tells that he loves me, and his actions definitely say so, but then he would shut me down. back and forth, back and forth. i also want so badly to build a future, we both prefer to not have children, and would love to explore the world...you know how rare it is to find that?
Not realizing his condition, I tried to break up with him a few times, and he kept pursuing me. spending more and more time with him, he made it hard. i tried to ask him nicely to see a doctor to talk about treatment, but he doesn't see anything wrong with himself and how he lives his life. i called his mother and she thinks 'it's how he chooses to live his life, he's an adult.' i can't be the only one encouraging him to seek help. i talked to a close friend who works for social services, and he says it has to be him to make the choice to seek help. and that i shouldn't waste energy/time. so space would my advice, passed from an expert. i'm on the fence about whether to stay or move on, because his ADHD is saying he wants a distance relationship, so it doesn't help me in any way. i'm definitely drained but i love him, and i don't know how to continue. i'm glad i found this site, i don't know anyone in my shoes. i'm totally new to dealing with this, but does anyone know if ADD/ADHD 'make you feel like you're in love'? like it have been his ADHD telling me he loves me? please be honest. Thank you!
saeshorty
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDhello reefgirl70,<br />i have a very similar story. i'm in a long distance relationship with a man who i recently discovered he has ADHD. he tells me all the same things, "you're the one, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, i'm the happiest when i'm with you" along with "i'm not the marrying type, i don't like the pressure." i also read up on relationship articles. i would have a calm, logical talk with him about our future, and he would agree and then completely change the subject. for a long time, i just thought he was being 'a guy.' so i would drop marriage for a while, and try to discuss it later. he tells that he loves me, and his actions definitely say so, but then he would shut me down. back and forth, back and forth. i also want so badly to build a future, we both prefer to not have children, and would love to explore the world...you know how rare it is to find that?<br /><br />Not realizing his condition, I tried to break up with him a few times, and he kept pursuing me. spending more and more time with him, he made it hard. i tried to ask him nicely to see a doctor to talk about treatment, but he doesn't see anything wrong with himself and how he lives his life. i called his mother and she thinks 'it's how he chooses to live his life, he's an adult.' i can't be the only one encouraging him to seek help. i talked to a close friend who works for social services, and he says it has to be him to make the choice to seek help. and that i shouldn't waste energy/time. so space would my advice, passed from an expert. i'm on the fence about whether to stay or move on, because his ADHD is saying he wants a distance relationship, so it doesn't help me in any way. i'm definitely drained but i love him, and i don't know how to continue. i'm glad i found this site, i don't know anyone in my shoes. i'm totally new to dealing with this, but does anyone know if ADD/ADHD 'make you feel like you're in love'? like it have been his ADHD telling me he loves me? please be honest. Thank you!<br />saeshorty
Christopher,
I want to thank you for your post. It really helped me understand my husband and put myself in is shoes for a bit. I appreiate it more than I can express.
Jess
I want to thank you for your post. It really helped me understand my husband and put myself in is shoes for a bit. I appreiate it more than I can express.
Jess
Report This| Share this:Loving someone with ADDChristopher,<br /> <br />I want to thank you for your post. It really helped me understand my husband and put myself in is shoes for a bit. I appreiate it more than I can express.<br /> <br />Jess
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