Adoption Support Group
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Adoption issues
jimmy1968 posted:
Hey all I'm new here. I started reading these posts till i seen kl24's post. I was contacted by this woman who claimed some 20 yrs ago that i was the father of her daughter that she put up for adoption 3 months after she was born.At first she contacted me when the daughter was about 17 and still H.S. so omy first thought was back child support.But then I really started to think about it, Yes I COULD be the father BUT there's only 1 way to find out ,and I don't think it's my place to find out. The birth mom gave me alot of little tidbits of information see, and the next day I get a call from the beverly hills police asking me if I was gonna try and take the daughter out of school ( actually a messy story that turned out to be a setup from the birthmom.... did I mention the woman was under pysciatric care?) So getting back to this issue, I have lots of questions and noone to help with the answers. If this girl was (my daughter) Iwas never given any options of course i wasn't with the birth mom longer than the weekend, But what rights ,if any might i have ? what if i wanted to meet her? what if she wanted to meet me but may not know my name or the birthmom (and this really could happen ) told the adoptive parents ) that I'm a slimeball (I'm not of course) I actuall have a 16 yr old boy now ,I hope someone gets what I'm saying. I hope someone can reply also. thiese questions and more have burned a hole in my brain since i found this stuff out.
4 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Adoption issuesHey all I'm new here. I started reading these posts till i seen kl24's post. I was contacted by this woman who claimed some 20 yrs ago that i was the father of her daughter that she put up for adoption 3 months after she was born.At first she contacted me when the daughter was about 17 and still H.S. so omy first thought was back child support.But then I really started to think about it, Yes I COULD be the father BUT there's only 1 way to find out ,and I don't think it's my place to find out. The birth mom gave me alot of little tidbits of information see, and the next day I get a call from the beverly hills police asking me if I was gonna try and take the daughter out of school<b> (</b> actually a messy story that turned out to be a setup from the birthmom.... did I mention the woman was under pysciatric care?<b>) So getting back to this issue,</b> I have lots of questions and noone to help with the answers. If this girl was (my daughter) Iwas never given any options of course i wasn't with the birth mom longer than the weekend, But what rights ,if any might i have ? what if i wanted to meet her? what if she wanted to meet me but may not know my name or the birthmom (and this really could happen ) told the adoptive parents ) that I'm a slimeball (I'm not of course) I actuall have a 16 yr old boy now ,I hope someone gets what I'm saying. I hope someone can reply also. thiese questions and more have burned a hole in my brain since i found this stuff out.
fiannakyn responded:
if I were you, I would contact the adoptive parents and say that you were contacted by the birthmom about being the father of the girl. Ask if they would be interested in allowing a paternaty test and if its positive, that you would be open to having contact with her, and to provide a family medical history.
I know she's an adult herself now, but she may not have the details of her adoption like her family does. Contacting them before her would show some respect to them, and that will go a long way to make a good impression.
Make sure you let them know are not wanting to become an instant dad to her. That will be one of their main fears.
I know she's an adult herself now, but she may not have the details of her adoption like her family does. Contacting them before her would show some respect to them, and that will go a long way to make a good impression.
Make sure you let them know are not wanting to become an instant dad to her. That will be one of their main fears.
Vicky(33), married 10 years, no children. Fought (and lost) infertility for all 10 years. Moving on to adoption, hoping to be able to do it via foster system.
Report This| Share this:Adoption issuesif I were you, I would contact the adoptive parents and say that you were contacted by the birthmom about being the father of the girl. Ask if they would be interested in allowing a paternaty test and if its positive, that you would be open to having contact with her, and to provide a family medical history. <br /> <br />I know she's an adult herself now, but she may not have the details of her adoption like her family does. Contacting them before her would show some respect to them, and that will go a long way to make a good impression. <br /> <br />Make sure you let them know are not wanting to become an instant dad to her. That will be one of their main fears.
Really at this point you have no rights left. if this was when she was still a baby, you could fight for custody, but now she's an adult its a moot point. all your rights are the same as any other adult to another adult.
and fighting for contact would just make her resentful and not want to talk to you.
Good luck!!
I based my statements on both being a prospective adoptive parent, and the wife of someone who just had first contact with his birth father, 35 years later.
and fighting for contact would just make her resentful and not want to talk to you.
Good luck!!
I based my statements on both being a prospective adoptive parent, and the wife of someone who just had first contact with his birth father, 35 years later.
Vicky(33), married 10 years, no children. Fought (and lost) infertility for all 10 years. Moving on to adoption, hoping to be able to do it via foster system.
Report This| Share this:Adoption issuesReally at this point you have no rights left. if this was when she was still a baby, you could fight for custody, but now she's an adult its a moot point. all your rights are the same as any other adult to another adult. <br />and fighting for contact would just make her resentful and not want to talk to you.<br /> <br />Good luck!!<br /> <br />I based my statements on both being a prospective adoptive parent, and the wife of someone who just had first contact with his birth father, 35 years later.
Hey thanks it's was more of inner personal conflict than anyhting else, i read one of kl's posts and it kinda reminded me of what my situation COULD BE LIKE. I know when the birth mom contacted me out of the blue she told me that she told everyone that i was no good .The truth was that she gave everyone reason to believe they would wind up on the Maury Povich show one day , if ya know what i mean.I would be open to "finding out" but it would be up to the child, but in my heart I know the birth mom gave them reason to not want to.I only know what High school she went to and the birth mom sent me pics the first time she contacted me. going by pics alone I now know what i look like as a girl . lol I also came across her fb page when searching for friends through the friend finder which uses yahoo contacts. I just feel it was the best option back then. I guess my main issue would be with the birthmom anyways, leaving me out of everything but blamin me for everything. I'm not even sure what the child thinks after all. I know one thing for sure the area that she went to school was in a VERY GOOD AREA well to do ppl live there.
Report This| Share this:Adoption issuesHey thanks it's was more of inner personal conflict than anyhting else, i read one of kl's posts and it kinda reminded me of what my situation COULD BE LIKE. I know when the birth mom contacted me out of the blue she told me that she told everyone that i was no good .The truth was that she gave everyone reason to believe they would wind up on the Maury Povich show one day , if ya know what i mean.I would be open to "finding out" but it would be up to the child, but in my heart I know the birth mom gave them reason to not want to.I only know what High school she went to and the birth mom sent me pics the first time she contacted me. going by pics alone I now know what i look like as a girl . lol I also came across her fb page when searching for friends through the friend finder which uses yahoo contacts. I just feel it was the best option back then. I guess my main issue would be with the birthmom anyways, leaving me out of everything but blamin me for everything. I'm not even sure what the child thinks after all. I know one thing for sure the area that she went to school was in a VERY GOOD AREA well to do ppl live there.
I agree with Vicki. I would talk with the adoptive parents in a non-threatening setting...like a church or other public place. I would also have a mediator for your sake. I imagine your dtr's adoptive parents are wonderful but sometimes people can misinterperate things that are said. You may say one thing but they interperate it as something totally different.
I would also suggest meeting with them without your dtr there first. That way they can go home and tell their dtr they met with you and you are nice. Then she can decide if she wants to meet you.
Also---I wouldn't "friend" your dtr on fb just yet. That may come across as too strong to the adoptive parents and make them too nervous to really want to meet with you. They may think that you are going behind their back when in reality you aren't.
This is all my opinion and being an adoptive parent how I would hope our son's biological parents would do to us. The biological mother in our case opted for a closed adoption and didn't know who the father was.
I hope this helps. Keep us updated on how everything is going, please!
I would also suggest meeting with them without your dtr there first. That way they can go home and tell their dtr they met with you and you are nice. Then she can decide if she wants to meet you.
Also---I wouldn't "friend" your dtr on fb just yet. That may come across as too strong to the adoptive parents and make them too nervous to really want to meet with you. They may think that you are going behind their back when in reality you aren't.
This is all my opinion and being an adoptive parent how I would hope our son's biological parents would do to us. The biological mother in our case opted for a closed adoption and didn't know who the father was.
I hope this helps. Keep us updated on how everything is going, please!
Report This| Share this:Adoption issuesI agree with Vicki. I would talk with the adoptive parents in a non-threatening setting...like a church or other public place. I would also have a mediator for your sake. I imagine your dtr's adoptive parents are wonderful but sometimes people can misinterperate things that are said. You may say one thing but they interperate it as something totally different.<br /> <br />I would also suggest meeting with them without your dtr there first. That way they can go home and tell their dtr they met with you and you are nice. Then she can decide if she wants to meet you.<br /> <br />Also---I wouldn't "friend" your dtr on fb just yet. That may come across as too strong to the adoptive parents and make them too nervous to really want to meet with you. They may think that you are going behind their back when in reality you aren't.<br /> <br />This is all my opinion and being an adoptive parent how I would hope our son's biological parents would do to us. The biological mother in our case opted for a closed adoption and didn't know who the father was.<br /> <br />I hope this helps. Keep us updated on how everything is going, please!
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