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My Sister in law
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77elizabeth posted:
Hi
I am trying to sort some things out in my mind and I could use some advise. We were contacted by a woman that said she was my husbands sister. She gave us all the infor. and it all fell into place. My husband asked his mom and she said yes. She tellls two storys. To my husband she said she was raped. On the adoption paper work it says talks about her and her boyfriend. She was 17 years old at the time. The paper work nor the birth certificate gives the dads name.
Over time we have gotten to know my sister in law. My mother in law will not talk about her or meet her. She wants nothing to do with her. We want a relationship with my sister in law. The problem my mother in law lives very close to us. (5 minutes) We are the only ones around to take care of her. She is 70 years old. So we are trying to figure out how we will handle the holidays and times when my sister in law comes to visit.
My sister in laws parents have died and she now has no one beside us. I always though ok we are protecting my mother in law. We did not tell the family.
I do not want to hurt my mother in law but this is really laying heavy on my mind. My sister in law did nothing wrong to my mother in law. Even if she was raped that was 54 years ago. This woman needs her mom. My mother in law is very much a bull head woman who feels what she says goes. Anyone have any suggestions on anything I could read or say to my mother in law. I feel really lost and want to help my sister in law.
Sorry for going on and on. It just seems like I am protecting the wrong person.
Elizabeth
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fiannakyn responded:
ack, thats a huge issue! HUGGGS!!!

I dont know how you normaly handle your MIL, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her that you and your husband would like to get to know this sister and that you will spend time with her. If that means holidays with both the new SIL and MIL in the same house, then so be it. But I'm bull headed too (actually ram headed, I'm an Aries ) A softer way of the same approach is just not having them together, but letting MIL know you will have contact and meetings etc with SIL.

I think your MIL is trying to protect herself, for 54 years she has had that weight of giving a child up for adoption, and she may think meeting her now may bring back bad memories or open the thoughts of 'what if I didnt?"

And even though the paperwork says boyfriend, she still could have been raped, either by someone else, or the boyfriend. She may have had to take years to come to the realization that the bf raped her. especialy back then, date rape wasnt "rape".

another option is if the new sister understands her mom being scared to meet her (and thats probably exactly what it is) maybe you can have them meet each other under the guize of the sil being a new friend. Let your mil learn that she had a good life etc. THEN let her know, gently, that she's her daughter.

I know I am not much help, but thats what I see from your post. good luck!!
Vicky(33), married 10 years, no children. Fought (and lost) infertility for all 10 years. Moving on to adoption, hoping to be able to do it via foster system.
 
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77elizabeth replied to fiannakyn's response:
Thanks for answering. I watched the Oprah yesterday. When my husband came home I told him he had to approach his mom. My husband went on line and watched the Oprah. He got it together what he was going to say to her. She still wants nothing to do with her. He told her it was her daughter and she was missing out. He told her it is his sister and she was going to be in our lives. We are hoping it gave her alot to think about and maybe she will come around. In the mean time we are going to enjoy the company of his sister. Life is too short to hold something against someone who has not done anything wrong.
Thank you again for your advise.


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