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Moving to a care facility
lorimen posted:
Hello. My 82 yr. old mother has Alzheimer's. She has been on medication for about 6 years, which slowed the progression for awhile, but not it's hitting hard & fast. My dad who is 83, is taking care of her at home. It is getting to be way too much for him.
We have talked about moving her into an assisted living/Alzheimer's care place. Went and toured it with mom. My dad started taking measurements of the room available, to see what furniture will fit etc.
Mom asked if he was planning on moving too...he told her not at this time, and her reply was "if you aren't going, then I'm not!".
I am an only child, who lives 1/2 across the country from them. I also have my own business to run, so I can't be there much. I try to go 3 times a year.
I feel strongly that she needs to move, dad just can't do everything that she needs. My question is...anyone have any suggestions on how to "entice" her to move without him? She is mad at both of us right now, as we are "plotting" something. I realize it's the disease, but don't know how to deal with it.
The place is only 15 minutes from my dad, and he would visit every day. Thanks for any feedback.
Helene Bergman, LMSW responded:
As you probably know, the dementia progression diminishes ones ability to perceive issues in a broad perspective or make decisions on ones behalf.Thus, it it unlikely that your mom at her advanced stage could understand the precipitating factors leading to the family decision for moving her to an assisted living facility. Her resistance and opposition - "no, I am not going" -is to be expected. In fact, it would be odd if she were willing to leave your dad for 'the unknown'. In retrospect, her question to your dad made alot of sense and he might have offered a 'fiblet' or a small white lie as that moment to lower her anxiety. If he had said, "I will take you first" it might not have raised her opposition. If he had focused more on her feelings of perhaps worrying about moving or about being abandoned, it might have distracted her from focusing on your father going. He would have been able to reassure her in the moment that he would be with her every day and averted the focus of whether he was moving or not. Perhaps if he measures when she is not there, and packs when she is away, she will accept this move better. It is hoped that the staff at the facility will be welcoming and your father's on going visits and supports will assuage her anxiety. But, it is less likely that you will get agreement from her to make such a drastic change in her life.

Measuring in front of her, or packing when she is there, are acts that might be better achieved out of her eye range. Although it is always kind to include a parent in everything that relates to him or her, dementia sometimes alters that philosophy especially it It is often suggested not to do something in front of a person with dementia that will increase their

your mom in the o- "no I am not going"- and your dad's frustration and stress. Often, when a caregiving family knows they MUST decide something that their loved one will oppose, they have to rethink their strategies for achieving their goal.

a major decision for relocation with a parent who has lost her executive decision making ability due to dementia leads to caregiver frustration and stress. Your mom's question to your dad made alot of sense
fibroinsd responded:
I just want to send you a hug...I am living ten min. from my mom and has dementia..and we are dealing with the same things...and living close isn't making it any easier..

lorimen replied to fibroinsd's response:
Thanks Cece, it sure stinks no matter how you deal with it.
Hugs to you too!
lorimen replied to Helene Bergman, LMSW's response:
Thanks Helene, It gives us something to think about. My Dad seems to do 360's every other day. He doesn't want to move her if she doesn't agree, but he reaaly can't keep up.
Guess I'll keep at it, maybe we can change her outlook.

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