Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up
Am I wrong? Sharing my situation.
avatar
Wendy12345678 posted:
Hello everyone, I am on a few other communities here on web md. I graduated from the pregnancy trimester boards to some parenting boards recently, and I decided to look up your alzheimers community and share a situation I am in and get some opinions from people who may be able to understand a little better. I am 30 years old, and my mother who is in her mid 50's has Alzheimers pretty bad. Well this is all kinda personal but I hope to find out what others opinions are. My mother and I have had issues since I was about 12. She was never materal and honestly never wanted kids, but had me because of my father wishes. Once I was old enough to start realizing things I noticed that my mom guilted me into trying to be perfect, until she started having an affair when I was 13. After that she told me about the affair, and pretty much sent me on my own. She's kinda done a few things over the years that made me no longer interested in a relationship with her. I am the only child on my mothers side of the family which puts me in a weird situation. My aunt is caring for my mom, she never had children, and doesn't believe couples should have more than one baby. She has given me many threats if I had more kids. I recently (almost 3 weeks ago) had my third son, and I've kept it secret from my aunt, which also means my mother does not know I've had a baby. I have guilt because I'm very into my "new" family. My husband, kids, and dad are great, and I would prefer not to have my mother or aunt in my life. Now that my mother has been diagnosed my mothers family is quick to tell me that Alzheimer's could be the reason she acted as she did 15 years ago. Could that be true? Also they want me to take some part in caring for her (which I did in the beggining briefly). Especially with my new secret baby, and lack of relationship with her I really dread the thought of caring for her. My moms family is all in Texas, and me and my family are in Arizona, so I've gotten away with very little contact for a long time. It use to be no contact by my mothers choice, but now its mine. She generally does not even remember my name. Could it be the disorder that shaped our relationship so many years ago, should I feel bad for not wanting to care for her? She can remember her boyfriend but not me, but the resentment grew many years before that. Sorry this is so long, good to get it off my chest! Opinions would be wonderful!
Reply
 
avatar
cjh1203 responded:
Congratulations on your new baby!

I'm not an expert, but based on what I've read, it would be surprising if your mother's treatment of you were related to her Alzheimer's. She would have only been about 40 then. I believe that the very earliest signs of Alzheimer's involve memory, and not major personality change.

That said, though, she might have had some undiagnosed mental disorder.

This is a tough situation but, given her treatment of you and the fact that you haven't had a relationship for a long time, I don't think you need to feel guilty for not wanting to take on her care. It's a huge commitment even for someone who has a very strong, loving relationship with the Alzheimer's patient.

What kind of threats has your aunt made if you had more children? Honestly, that sounds a little mentally unbalanced to me, too. Can she really do anything to you? I would tell her about the new baby and let her tell your mother. There's no reason you should have to hide anyone in your family from them. There's certainly no reason in the world for you to feel guilty about your husband and children.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to get some counseling. It sounds as though your mother (and aunt) have had a big negative impact on you, and it would be good to talk about that with someone who can help you come to terms with it and stop you from feeling guilty.
 
avatar
Wendy12345678 replied to cjh1203's response:
Thank you very much. That is very reassuring. As far as my aunt goes the biggest threat that bothers me is her vow to make my 3rd or subsequent children feel unwanted. She has given examples, like sending things to my first 2 and nothing for the 3rd, and her will she is giving her home to my first 2 if the graduate college, but she will purposly leave out the 3rd. We borrowed money from her years ago (not much money at all) and she's refused repayment with excuses but has said she will require immediate payment with extreme interest if I had another. That part doesn't bother me because there is no contract, but I would not put it past her to try to make my new boy feel unwanted. She is very pushy with her views, she talks about things like only allowing a couples first 2 children to attend public school and things of that nature just worse. I don't even like to quote some of the things she has said. My mother did have depression when I was a kid, as does my aunt and their mother. The depression is how she guilted me into everything, I was always worried she'd kill herself. But once she met her boyfriend she wasn't worried about what I did anymore. I do have a lot of guilt for the way I feel about my mother, and I think my aunt just has no idea what she's talking about. Never having children I don't think she can understand how her negativity towards one of my kids can make me feel about her. My dad has offered to tell me aunt and defend me, but I would rather just not have her in my life, and loosing my mother also is allright with me (guilt). Really thank you for listening, I really appreciate the opinion and being able to be honest.
 
avatar
cjh1203 replied to Wendy12345678's response:
Your aunt sounds really unbalanced. I would tell her about the baby -- chances are, she will find out at some point anyway and be even angrier.

If she starts doing things like sending gifts to only the two older children, don't even accept them -- send them back to her and tell her that if she will not treat your children equally, you will not accept anything from her any more, and she won't be allowed to be around them. There is not much you can do about her will, but you can tell her that you can't allow her in your children's lives if she is going to punish the youngest one for being born. She doesn't have an inalienable right to be part of your lives.

And I would repay the loan right now, no matter what she says, and tack on a little extra for interest -- otherwise, she always has something to hang over your head. In fact, because she's apparently so vengeful, I would consult an attorney to find out what your options are if she says she won't accept repayment, so she doesn't have any legal recourse against you somewhere down the line.

And I definitely think that some counseling would be a good idea for you. There's no reason for you to feel guilty about keeping poisonous relatives at arm's length -- or out of your life altogether.


Featuring Experts

Judith L. London, Ph.D. announces the publication of her second book, Support for Alzheimer's and Dementia Caregivers: The Unsung Heroes , with...More

Helpful Tips

Alzheimer Awareness Week- Nurture IndependenceExpert
Today, July 12th, ends Alzheimer Awareness Week and it was more than coincidental that it coincided with July 4th, Independence Day. ... More
Was this Helpful?
15 of 25 found this helpful

Helpful Resources

Be the first to post a Resource!

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.