Alzheimer's Community

Hi Jaye & welcome to this board.

Do you have some questions or just need to vent. Either way, we are here to help or listen. You are not alone.

Suezee

Hi Suezee, Thank you for replying to my message. This is my first time so I hope I dont mess it up to bad. My question is how do you deal with the anger that you feel caring for a parent with Alzheimers? There are days when mom is good and then there are the days when she is unbearable. How do you deal with it? Jaye

Hi Jaye,

Short term solution: Whenever things got so bad that I couldn't deal with Mom, I would go into another bedroom and scream into my pillow. Then I would feel better. I know the things that made me angry weren't Mom's fault. She was old and had Alz and couldn't help herself.

Long term solution: If possible, I would try to get out a couple times a month. I had my neice or my daughter babysit Mom. As a caregiver, you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your parent. We would also take Mom to an adult day care once in awhile. She seemed to enjoy that and Hubby and I were able to have some alone time.

It's like taking care of a child. We needed some time to ourselves periodically. It really helped to take the edge off of caring for her. She wasn't too difficult to care for, but it was the fact that we couldn't leave her alone and she was totally dependent on us. Thankfully, we had a few options. If you don't find a way to have some alone time, you will end up feeling resentful and angry. If you don't have anyone to sit with your parent, check with the local Alzheimer's Assn for respite providers. They should have a list of people who can help. Or check with the Aging and disability agencies in your area. You can also get lists of Adult day cares from both agencies.

Hang in there. There is help out there. You just have to make some phone calls.

Suezee

Jaye, welcome... My Mother has Parkinsons and stage 4 Alzheimers. As a CNA I dealt with many AD and Parkinsons clients, but I never thought in a million years that it would strike my own family. Right now Moms Parkinsons is affecting her more than her AD. Her blood pressure has run rampant and we are struggling to get it down. At one time in life she asked me how I kept going, and I told her that you just do for your loved ones. She asked because my own health is failing, and now I wonder what keeps her going. I keep going for my parents sakes. Just remember to hold your head up high, and remember the good times. Pull out the famiy photo album, sit down with your parent, and take a walk down memory lane. Your parent needs love, tenderness, and to know that someone is there no matter what. At times you may need to be a parent to your parent, just do so respectfully and lovingly. I and many others are here if you need any questions answered or just need a few words of inspiration, so to speak.

God Bless...Pat

Hi Suezee,

Thank you for your reply, I've not tried the screaming into a pillow. I usually sit and cry and wonder why me? I never thought something like this would happen to mom. She was always healthy. I wish I could get out a couple times a month. I have no help at all. My oldest brother lives in Mississippi. My other two brothers live within spitting distance and do you think they offer to help? I don't understand why they won't help me, she is their mother too. I have a husband and two kids. J.C. will be 19 Friday and Hannah will be 16 Thursday. Through the last 3-4 years, my kids have helped me out alot. Now with one in his first year in college and one a sophomore in high school, I'm on my own. My hubby works long hours just so we can get by and still have to struggle. But without them I don't know where I would be today. I don't think we have an adult day care in our area. It's great being able to chat with people who understands what I am going through. I'm glad I found this site. It gives me comfort to know I have friends like you to help me through the good and the bad. Have a blessed day.

Jaye

Hi Pat

Thank you for your reply. Like you, I never thought something like this would strike my family. And it has been a hard blow. How many stages of Alzheimers is there? Mom is in stage 2. She thinks I am her Mother or Sister, but not her Daughter. How do you get them to understand when they want to go home they are at home? I've asked myself, why did this happen to me? Was I being punished for something? I know God has a reason for everything, I just wished I knew what mine was. It's a comfort to know, I have someone to talk to and who understands what I face everyday.

God Bless....Jaye

Hi Jaye I am going through the same thing. I have 2 brothers, one out of state and the other a few miles away. Both of them are good for sh**t. She has disowned them both (long story and I will not get into it now) Mom is 93 and has been living with me for 4 years now and finally diagnosed with AD in August. It is heartbreaking to see her this way. This is not the mother I knew. When she has bad days I just leave her alone and eventually she comes back to and does not remember the hurtfull things she has said. It is not easy dealing with this desease. Luckily she still knows who I am but has trouble with family members. I also have no help. I am retired and have not had any social life in 4 years. This is a 24/7 job. She had a mini stroke on Tuesday and is now in the hospital, she will be coming home maybe Monday. It's wearing me down running to the hospital. She does not want me to leave and she wants to go home to the home she sold 4 years ago. All you can do is agree with them otherwise they get very agitated and angry when you try to tell them anything they do not want to hear. I'm on my way to hospital now. Will check in later. Hang in there...you are not alone with this! Cindy

Hi Cindy Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Hope she is doing much better. You and her will be in my prayers. I have 3 brother, one out of state and the other 2 live close by. Mom is 86 and I have been taking care of her for about 7 years. She had a stroke during open heart surgery. It was the type that affects your mind. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 2 yrs. ago. It has really been hard on me and my family. I have a hubby and 2 kids. My oldest is 19 and a freshmen in college and my youngest is 16 and a sophomore in high school. I've had to miss alot of school activities during the past couple of years. But they seem to understand. God has blessed me with a great family. There are days that I don't won't to be here. I get so stressed out and angry, that I don't know which end is end. She also has them days, that she wants to go home, when we are at home. She says this is not her house. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. It is a comfort to know that I have someone to chat with about this and understands how I feel. May God bless you. I pray that all goes well for you and your mom. Keep in touch. Jaye

Hi Jaye, when I went to the hospital this morning my mother's mind was not here. She was telling me that she fell about 7 times in her driveway at her house that we sold 4 years ago. The story went on and on making no sense at all. I was so disappointed because yesterday she was doing so well. Just goes to show you that you can only take it one day at time. Going back to the hospital now, will get in touch later. I will include you in my prayers also.

Hi Jaye, Hope everything is going OK with your mom. Is she bedridden or can she get around? When my mother was admitted to the hospital, she did not know where she was. She thought she was home and kept yelling at me for rearranging her furniture. When she was at home (my home) she kept saying this is not my home, take me to my home (she lived in her home for 40 years) and we sold it so she could live with me. When she gets like that all you can do is agree and say OK I will take you there. She calms down and forgets what she said. The one thing I have learned is that you do not argue with them, just agree with what they are saying otherwise they get all agitated and angry. They are getting her blood level to where it should be but now her legs are weak and she is having a hard time walking. If she can not walk it will be impossible for me to take care of her at home and I will have to make that decision today because they are discharging her Monday. It will just kill me to have to put her in a nursing home, even short term till she gets stronger. They said when when you take them from their familiar surroundings they get even more confused and now to put her in another place she will probably get worse. At least at home I was able to communicate, but since she has been in the hospital she has forgotten words and just babbles at times. It is so heartbreaking to see her like this, this is not the mother I have known but I know she is in there somewhere and I have to keep remembering that. This is such a horrible disease. I'm off to the hospital now to see how she is and make that discision that I dread. All we can do is love them and pray alot that whatever discisions we have to make is the right one. Cindy

Hi Cindy, Everything is OK on this end for the time being. Mom is able to get around with the use of a walker. But even then she is still unsteady. We live with mom in her house. She lived here for over 40 years. She thinks it is my house. Most of the time,she believes I am her sister or mother. Which is really hard on me. I feel for you in having to decide about a nursing home. I was there a while back. She had a bad reaction to some medicine,the Dr. gave her for hallucinations. We didn't sleep for 2 days. I thought the time had come to put her in one. I'm like you, I couldn't stand the thought of it. She got better once she come off the med. I am so glad I found you to talk with about this. Do you have a hubby and kids,who help you? Without mine, I would have lost it a long time ago. It's been hard on them also. But they stand by me and we keep going on. My thoughts will be with you today. I know it is a hard decision to make. Whatever you decide, I know it will be the best for you and your mom. I pray everything works out for you. God bless....Jaye

Hi Jaye, Well as of yesterday it looks like I will be bringing mom home. Dr, said they will have a physical therapist come to the house to work with her. She was doing better by supper time. She hardly ate anything yesterday because she said her throat hurt. After a couple of spoonfuls she would cough up the food. Seems the food is getting caught in the throat. They said AD patients will forget how to swallow. I had to keep reminding her to swallow. Today they are going to run tests to see if there is a blockage. Her blood level is good and she is ready to leave probably late this afternoon. I will be bringing her home unless something changes this morning. As for help....I'm on my own. My children are grown and have kids. My daughter is a single mom with 2 boys and works all day, her weekends are filled with cleaning, shopping, laundry and running around with the kids activities. My son has 3 children and is a police officer working 12 hours a day, his wife also works. My husband can only do so much for mom. He can't do the personal stuff and also works part time. He helps with the grocery shopping etc. You are very lucky to have family that helps. I'm leaving for the hospital now to feed her breakfast and see how things are today. I will try to keep the updates coming. In the meantime my thoughts and prayers are also with you......Cindy

Hi Cindy, Glad to hear the news about your mom. I know the physical therapist will help her a lot. It's amazing what they can do for someone in our moms condition. Home health is coming once a week to check on mom. And to see how things are with me. When the nurse comes, she always ask about her appetite and if she has any trouble swallowing. She said they forget sometimes and you have to remind them. Right now mom is going through a stage of incontinence. The nurse said that goes along with the Alzheimer's. The past couple of weeks, have really been bad for her. And there are days I wonder what could happen next. I know it's going to get worse, in place of better. Have you ever asked why did God do this to me? I have. Several times. I know he has a reason for everything that happens. I just wish I knew his reason for me. I hope things go well for your mom, and she gets to come home today. If you don't mind me asking, where are you from? I live in Alabama. May God bless you and your husband for the love and care that you give your mom. Keep in touch.........Jaye

Hi Jaye, Not so good news. Mom did not come home. She is having surgery this morning. They ran tests yesterday to see why she is having difficulty swallowing. She has what they call Dysphagia. Her food is not going down her esophagus. It's coming back up and going into her windpipe and sometimes from there into her lungs which could cause a serious infection (aspiration pneumonia). So today they are putting a feeding tube in her stomach and a therapist will be working with her. They think right now her problem stems from her cheek, tongue and throat muscles that are too weak to handle the swallowing. Yesterday she was in such good spirits, talking good and rational, she walked a little, did exorcises with the therapist. I don't know how this surgery will affect her. She can't understand why she cannot eat or drink. She is not able to even drink water because that also is not going down. I live in Illinois and there has to be a place in heaven for us caregivers. All we can do is take it one day at a time. This is such a horrible desease. It is so heartbreaking to see your loved one's go through this and there is nothing you can do except make them feel loved. We need all the prayers we can get. I'm going to the hospital now so I can be with her before they take her into surgery. Will give you an update later.