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    Im losing my cool ...any support?
    Anon_30608 posted:
    Hi all been on here before but could really use some advice right now...i am just really angry lately not at my mom who has alzheimers early stages but at the pple around her that she is allowing to become involved in her life and personal buisness...i ask her to do simple things like be where she is so can meet her and she is outside smoking or off to the store while im left mother goes running to a few friends in her complex about issues that she shouldnt and getting them involved i get questioned as my role and my brothers roles as her caregivers...and i feel its none of their buisness...yet some truly care about her and want the best , it just seems to be a hassle for her telling them her arms hurt and she cant remember the last time she went to a doctor so i get approached by them asking when has she last went and or why hasnt she seen a doc...? when she was actually there 2 wks ago and was treated.....she is annoying me by making my life harder than what it should b....taking care of her is not easy but this is too much....i feel like im constantly questioned as to her care and had one lady insist on putting her on gove help....cause she felt she needed it....hello! that should be our doing as her kids not a neighbor....i understand the neighbors care and gossip and some nosey but this is nuts....mymom for the most part takes her meds , dresses herself and functions okay for now ....her issue is eating she doesnt eat and we provide for her more than u know , home cooked meals that go uneaten so we take her out to eat and do what we can ....i take care of meds as her daughter and doc appt...her health ....but she lies about eating and recently took 2 cholesterol meds at the same time cause she moves i raised my voice at her mom please stop doing that ....and her friend was there and was mad cause i shouldnt scold her..i said i need to be firm on somethings......should other pple besides caregivers , doctors or family be getting involved in her care adn her personal life? i say NO....but am i wrong to think she should still be independent if she isnt eating properly....her cholesterol is high and she is borderline diabetic cause of eating candy bars and ice crm....she has food in the fridge she eats what she wants....her freinds think she should get her independence taken away and go in a home .....we do all we can and spend all the time we have avail with her what more can we do???? i dont feel i should get quesitoned constantly about the care she recieves or what im doing for her? do i have a right to be upset? how can i stop her from going to others and getting them involved...? help?
    cjh1203 responded:
    I'm really sorry you're having so many frustrations with your mom.

    She can't help what she's doing. She's not doing it to make your life more difficult, or trying to be stubborn. Her mind isn't working right and there's not much she can do about it. It's her disease doing these things, not her, and her disease makes trying to reason with her an exercise in futility. Her mind can't process things the way she used to, and things that may seem completely logical to you or me will make no sense to her at all.

    When you ask her not to talk to her friends about things, she undoubtedly forgets that you said it, and when you try to tell her why you don't want her to do it, I'm sure she doesn't understand.

    I can understand why it makes you angry to have people questioning your care of her, or telling you what they think you should do. Remember that they're just going by what your mother tells them, and they're acting out of concern for her.

    I hope this doesn't offend you, but I wonder if you might be in some denial about the reality of her condition?

    It does sound like she may have reached the point where she needs full-time help, whether at home or in a memory-care facility. If she's not eating, or only eating junk, and she's messing up her medications, that could cause some serious problems.

    You really need someone who can evaluate your mother's situation and offer advice.

    If there's an Alzheimer's Association near you, I think the best thing you could do for you and for your mother is to contact them and talk to someone about what's going on with your mother. They can be a huge help. A support group would be also make a world of difference. I'm sorry if I've brought this up before -- I can't remember, so may be repeating myself.

    So many caregivers don't take advantage of the help and resources available -- my aunt was that way when she was caring for my uncle -- but there are resources, like the Alzheimer's Association, that can make all this easier for you and your family.

    It sounds like you're taking wonderful care of your mother, and I'm sure it's exhausting. Unfortunately, there always comes a time with Alzheimer's where the patient can't live alone any more. It's a heartbreaking thing for everyone.

    I hope you can find someone to help you figure out what to do.

    Take care.

    healus88 replied to cjh1203's response:
    thanks carol. no im not offended in any way....i realize pple can be caring but my mom lives in a senior housing development and some pple there are not looking out for her best interests instead they are taking advantage of her and i had to step in on various occasions and speak to them Ex: asking my mom to walk their dog when they are fully capable , asking my mom to go clean someone elses apartment, or asking for help with an infant.....these are not things my mom should be asked to do ...she can dress herself and we take her out to eat quite a bit and prepare good solid meals , she even uses her microwave but as u know Alzheimers disease does cause some loss of apetite and her doc said that it does happen and not to be too concerned just try to put things in her fridge she for meds this was a first for meds screw up .....i set up her med box every week and am there several time s a week to make sure she is doing right.... but my brothers go as well wich saves me a 40 min drive so they arent as attentive to her meds as i am and didnt know to check the new one that came in....cause they know i usually do that...they are her POA....handle financials etc and take her out and spoil her etc...we all try are best to be there and we are getting meals on wheels for her figuring if its hot she will say yum and eat it...we dont want to take away her independence at this point her main issue is food....where she is she does have some friends who genuinly care and those pple i gladly share some things with about how she is , she plays cards and bingo and goes to movies there so for the most part its a good environment....its the few bad apples there that spoil it and i feel have no right to her personal buisness they are controlling , ex: one lady reported her to office for using her vaccum , mom likes to clean and this lady was cranky and instead of approaching my mom she reported her and a week later brings her flowers for her mothers common sense is not there alot of times she thinks everyone is her friend...NOT..and so we try as her children to only involve those who truly care to ask questions....the others are plain nosey! lady gave her meds to try....thank god she called me first before taking this is what i mean by pple getting too involved or quest. my care for my mother....not good honest pple here ....eventually we will have her move in with my brother who has the means and room for her...we want her to have her independence as long as she can..if we take too much away she will lose more of herself....she cleans and takes care of her cat and dresses herself and those things are good....
    healus88 replied to healus88's response:
    ps . no to ur question about denial...i actually was the first person in my family to bring to light in 2008 the changes she was going through and the weird things she was doing....and things she wasnt doing that she use to took time for others in my family to realize what i was saying and they were angry at me for even suggesting she had a problem and they were actually in denial ....they didnt want to accept this...i knew from the start and took action and was the only one to research at library and talk to pple and families going through the same now our family is all on the same page , but at one point in time i felt alone in this with a mother who needed help and i did what i could and thank god for my aunt who was there to help , now we all work together as a family but no one thing i was never in was denial...thank god for that , that i cared enough to be concerned.
    cjh1203 replied to healus88's response:
    I'm sorry, I just don't know what to tell you about the neighbors. Because of her Alzheimer's, you're not going to be able to convince your mom to stop talking to them, and some people just always have to get involved in other people's business. Some of them may have some dementia, too, if it's a community of older people.

    I probably didn't express myself very well when I mentioned denial. I can only go by what I've seen in my own family. Because my uncle still knew people and kept up somewhat with what was going on in the world, and could still order lunch in a restaurant, I think my aunt underestimated how advanced his Alzheimer's was for a long time. Because he could still do some things, she tended to dismiss the seriousness of the things he couldn't do. It made her wait way too long to bring in help.

    When we're so closely involved with someone, it can be really hard to be objective. That's why I suggested talking to someone at the Alzheimer's Association, and seeing if you can get an assessment of your mother's situation.

    You're so lucky that your whole family is helping to care for your mom! There have been several posters here who got absolutely no help or support from their families, and the stress of doing it alone was just awful. I know that it's terribly stressful, even with help, but it must mean a lot to know that there are other people in the family who are willing to share the responsibilities.

    healus88 replied to cjh1203's response:
    thanks carol. very encouraging...i want all the help my mom can get from all avenues mom sees the PA at her docs office who helps us tremedously...gave me tons of info and has delt with Alzheimers in her immediate family as well...i keep close contact with her and she has been awesome support for both my mom and myself....but i will continue to push for more options and help for mom but up until last yr i was doing it all alone , its a blessing now that everyone is on board in helping ....i know what alone feels like...somedays i would sit and cry cause its so sad to see my mom trying to hold on to her dignity and will to remember day she may not remember me....however , she does now so i take advantage of every day im given with family is aware of the help thats out there and when the time comes soon to reach out we will........its frustrating and depressing and many feelings at once dealing with this but here in this community i feel that i can speak freely and reach out and thanks for that.
    Judith L London, PhD replied to healus88's response:

    Just catching up about your Mom. Now that you have helped your family to get on board about your Mom, perhaps, among you, you can take turns visiting with her during meal time to supervise medication intake and to observe whether it is a reduced appetite or a problem swallowing.

    Sometimes a swallowing problem occurs and the consistency of the food needs to change - thehe doctor can have this evaluated. Let him know about her decreased appetite - a medication change or dosage may be indicated or it may signify something such as taking too much of one medication. She still can maintain some independence even when you do help out in these areas.

    Another possibility is to enlist the help of the neighbors who you see really care about your Mom and they may be able to help her when the others ask her to do unreasonable things.

    You are doing a great job even though it is frustrating. Your Mom cannot change how she behaves - Alzheimer's has its own agenda.

    Sending you strength,

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