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    tearbear posted:
    Hello, I'm all alone and I'm not a confronter, my Mom does know that she has Alzheimers but forgets, not so funny, I have three brothers but I feel so overwelmed, Its the holidays and she is the worst at this time, she misplaced her watch and she calls me SEVERAL times a day and tells me and I've looked at the house and mine and she calls and says I thought you where coming right back and I was never even there. I just play the game because it upsets her, I know she needs help but my house is the only place for her but my marriage is a stake and so is my instanity, Mom has always been a complainer and I seem to wear what she says like a coat, My counselor says don't let her come move in, My head says that to but my heart says to try, my faith says its my job and place. I've always taken care of Mom, I just do what needs to be done, do I like it, NO, do I hate it YES, Do I say anything,,, never. Where do I start????
    Lindajane63 responded:
    You are not alone, there are many in your same situation. You can care for your mother without her living with you. It could be worse if you move her in with you. Of course I do not know all of your circumstances, just what I have been through.
    My mother moved into my house last July after having a few TIA's. I used the "strokes" as an excuse to move her, since she was 6 hours away I was having major trouble caring for her as I felt she needed.
    My mother has become a totally different person. She is agitated a great amount of the time, yelling, at me and cursing me this is not the mother I grew up with.
    I kept her at home as long as I could, then placed her in a beautiful assisted living.
    She is still agitated and angry, but is well cared for and has more interaction with other people.
    I feel guilty that I am not the one caring for my mother directly, but I know that I am doing the right thing for both of us.
    Take care of yourself, you are not alone
    cjh1203 responded:
    Hello, Tearbear. I'm so sorry that you're going through this hard time.

    I think a good place to start is with a call to your local Alzheimer's Association. You can make an appointment with someone to discuss what's going on, and they can help point you in the right direction. They also have support groups that can make a huge difference for someone in your position. Just knowing that other people have gone or are going through the same kinds of things you are can help you feel a lot less alone.

    You should not feel that you have to give up your life and care for your mother in your home. As Lindajane said about her mother, the symptoms may still be there if your mother is in a facility, but she'll be cared for by experienced people who know how to handle people in your mother's condition.

    Most Alzheimer's patients actually do better in the structure of a facility, once they get over the difficult transition of moving to a strange place. They have enjoyable activities, and are surrounded by people like them. An Alzheimer's case manager told me that one of the best things about being in a facility with other people who have Alzheimer's is that the patients don't feel the frustration and pressure to live up to their families' expectations -- they can relax more when they're around people like them.

    It always makes me so sad to hear that people feel guilty for placing their Alzheimer's patients in a facility. Usually by that point, the caregiver has spent at least a few stressful years trying to manage alone, and it's just not possible to keep doing it indefinitely. The caregivers often get so worn down that they end up with serious physical problems of their own -- not to mention the mental and emotional toll -- and that doesn't do anyone any good.

    There's another poster here, Dave, whose father is in an assisted living facility, and he has been very happy there.

    You've obviously done as much for your mother as you possibly could, and you shouldn't feel guilty for handing over the day-to-day responsibility to professionals. It will probably be better for her in the long run, and will definitely be better for you. You can still oversee her care, and make sure she gets what she needs -- it's not like you're just abandoning her.

    I hope you'll continue to let us know how things are going.

    Best wishes-
    davedsel57 responded:
    Hello, tearbear.

    I am sorry to read about your struggles with your mom but fully understand. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early last year and I basically had to take over his life. I found an excellent assisted living facility where he is very happy and very well cared for. He refuses to believe he has Alzheimer's and thinks he is in the ALF for his diabetes which works for us.

    I agree with your counselor. I understand about your faith, but you will be taking care of your Mom if you find a great place for her to live. While you are looking, get all legal paperwork in place. Find a good attorney that specializes in Elder Law. Have a Power Of Attorney and Health Care Proxy prepared and signed by your mother. Once you have control of your mom's finances you can then know how much she can afford per month for an assisted living facility. Since you have siblings, you will need to discuss all this with them first. If they are not willing to help, then you can become the primary responsible person, take the control you need to get your mom the help she needs.

    This is a small message board but we all do understand. Please post again to ask questions, just vent, or let us know how you are doing.

    I pray you will gain the strength needed to take care of all this.
    Click on my user name or avatar picture to read my story.

    Blessings, Dave
    Judith L London, PhD responded:
    Dear tearbear,

    What a hard time for you.

    It's difficult enough that your Mom has Alzheimer's. You must preserve yourself in order to survive and even help her. I agree that she should not come into your home, and that there are residences with expertise in caring for people like your Mom. This will permit you to develop a more meaningfuk relationship with her without the strain of taking care of her daily needs. Check out the possibilities now for future reference.

    At least consider some day time care since it seems she needs supervision now. She is confused and it seems like she panics - hence, the lost watch recurrence. It gives her an excuse to call you. If she is in an environment where others can reassure her, she may feel better. If she claims she doesn't need help, don't argue. Tell her you need someone there so that you won't worry so much about her. There also may be day programs in your area.

    It is your job to take care of yourself first. Even in the airlines, the instructions are to place the oxygen mask on yourself first before your child.

    Do not permit Alzheimer's to vanquish you and your life.

    Keep us posted - so many of us here know what you are facing.

    tearbear replied to Judith L London, PhD's response:
    Thanks to all the replies,sorry I've not wrote on here, I just got back from Mexico, Ya I went to Mexico, I had people watch to see Mom was Ok every day still came home to tons of messages on my phone, she was mad some days but you could tell things did not go well, I'll need a new plan if I do that again, I feel overwhelmed listening to all of those messages!! I know the next few weeks are going to be bad because its christmas, a bad time for Mom any way and I've been gone which will add to it. Deep breath.....Exhale........I'll start tomorrow, its late! Thanks again!!
    tearbear replied to tearbear's response:
    Feeling better, Mom found her watch while I was gone to Mexico, although things were not that great while I was gone. We applied for her to go to another place to live and I think this will be a better place once things settle down, of course at first it will be hard. She can take her dog and cat and thats Very important. I'm hoping that things will get better. So has any one tried Coconut oil for Alz, patients?????
    cjh1203 replied to tearbear's response:
    I'm really glad you found a place where your mom can have her pets; that should make a big difference. The other people living there will probably love having the dog and cat around, too.

    There was some discussion about coconut oil a while back, but I can't find it now. It seems to me that someone was considering trying it but, unfortunately, I don't remember who it was.


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