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    Relationship And Anxiety Question??
    SoAlone78 posted:
    This is gonna be a pretty vague question. Maybe someone else out there has had the same feelings or will understand where I am coming from.

    Does anyone believe it is truly possible for a significant other to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression?

    For some reason I believe this is one of those "mistaken belief" things that somewhere along the line something got pounded into my head by ex boyfriends who made me feel I wasn't worth being loved but at the sametime of course it is not going to make me trust someone else. I know it isn't fair to believe that everyone is going to be the same as these jerks in the past but deep down I do have that feeling of "not worthy of being loved" because I know how horribly my anxiety disrupts my own life, I could only imagine how it would be for someone on the other end.

    Not sure if it's even a question, just curious to know if anyone has felt this way as well.

    Thank you
    joe_381970 responded:
    I believe it is possible to have a relationship and suffer from anxiety/depression, however the big problem with folks with anxiety/depression/panic (me for instance) is not in having a relationship, but rather getting out of bed everyday and trying to live a "normal" life. This is a challenge to me with or without a relationship. If those around me "can't deal" with my anxiety then I pretty much don't waste my time with them (harsh I know, but I don't want to attempt making them like/love me while also trying to get through another day). I'm not a trained professional, but I have suffered for over 30 years with this damnable stuff so I can truly relate with you. Anxiety/panic has practically ruined my life, but with every day I find new ways, people and strategies to cope.
    40Something1960 responded:
    I'm not entirely clear on your question, but I have anxiety and bouts of depression and have been married for nearly 2 decades.

    feeling that you are not worth being loved sounds more like a self esteem issue than anxiety....
    ailurophile79 responded:
    I know for me, my anxiety and depression has made it very difficult to maintain romantic relationships. It's not so much the feeling of "not worthy of being loved" but rather that my constant fear, discontent and suspicions ultimately drive people away. Unintentionally, depressed people can be very selfish - it's always about my needs, my emotions, my thoughts and feelings, my problems and it often requires a very patient and selfless partner to be able to support somebody who is wired that way. Because I am so anxious, I invest too much time thinking about the "what ifs" - what if he cheats on me? what did that mean? is he interested in her? is he using me? You spend so much time fearing the worst that you're not enjoying the here and now. You hurt your partner because they feel like they're not worthy of being trusted, but for you, you just worry about losing somebody you love so much. You end up shutting out people who genuinely care for you in favor of those relationships that "feel" right, simply because they are so chaotic. When you get used to the feeling of struggle and chaos in your life, a "normal" relationship doesn't seem right. These are all the things that I think about.

    Then sometimes it goes a different way - you feel like you should end a relationship but wonder if you're only feeling that way because you're depressed. Is it the depression that is causing my discontent in the relationship, or is the relationship adding to my depression? Am I unhappy because I'm in the wrong relationship? Or does it only seem that way because I'm depressed? And like the PP mentioned, dealing with the every day difficulties of depression could wear on a person as well - watching your significant other not take joy in anything, not being able to maintain a household or do chores because they can't get out of bed. It would be hard not to take that personally. Maybe I'm not doing a good enough job to make her happy, to allieviate her concerns, to help out. What's wrong with me? Without rock-solid self esteem, it would be difficult not to internalize a partner's depression.

    It's easy for depressed people to fall into codependent relationships too.

    But all that said, I truly believe that you absolutely CAN have a happy, healthy relationship as long as you are working on your depression and anxiety - whether through therapy, meds, reading, etc. Just as somebody with a terminal illness is worthy of love, so is somebody suffering from anxiety and depression. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
    Loralie1985 responded:
    I currently suffer from depression and anxiety. I wasn't diagnosed with either until after I had my second child. If has significantly affected my life and everyone in my life. If someone truly loves you for who you are, it is absolutely possible to maintain a healthy relationship. Itmay require a lot of work from both parties involved but if someone really loves you, they will be there to support you and help you through this obstacle in life. I know it's hard but keep in mind, there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. My husband and I agrue and a lot has to do with my depression and anxiety. But it only brings you closer together. As you know, life is like a roller coaster, so you have to take things day by day and just do the best you can. I hope this helps. You are not alone.
    susie1172 responded:
    I know how you feel. I'm the one without anxiety. Life HAS been a roller coaster. The relationship has lasted 16 years, but there were times when I wanted to end it, when I couldn't take any more, but I stayed because he was working on his anxiety and depression. Someone else mentioned that; if you are working on your condition especially with the help of a counselor it makes your partner want to make the relationship work. Find a patient guy. Tell him about the condition early in the relationship so he can understand the "mixed signals" you are apt to give out . Have faith in your loveability. Pray a lot and know that you are not alone. You feel alone right now. In fact, that reminds me, you will be much healthier if you can find the right person to love because he will ground you, provide stability when you have storms. Keep looking. A person who is as intelligent and understanding as you will be able to find true love.
    GnSwoosh responded:
    I stumbled upon this post. Yes, you can if you find a partner who is very patient and if you work hard at diminishing your symptoms every single day. The effort to take care of the issue shows that you care about your health, and it's easier for a partner to care about your health if they can see that you do, too.
    MsQ1980 responded:
    This reply touched so many aspects of my current situation. Where it seems that as hard as I try not to push the person who is attempting to get close to me away - the more it seems to occur.

    "You hurt your partner because they feel like they're not worthy of being trusted, but for you, you just worry about losing somebody you love so much. You end up shutting out people who genuinely care for you in favor of those relationships that "feel" right, simply because they are so chaotic. When you get used to the feeling of struggle and chaos in your life, a "normal" relationship doesn't seem right. These are all the things that I think about. " (this is sooooo true!)

    I just ended a chaotic non-real but felt real at the time relationship and now someone who has loved me for so long is being blamed for the chaos of the previous person, with the current that high "feeling" isn't there so it often makes me wonder if it is real, there is no real drama - does love exist with no drama?..

    I feel that I will loose him, I don't want to but due to my choices, my fear, and my own chaos I would rather loose him before anything completely begins than to make him miserable .....

    I just wanted to tell you I appreciated your post ...
    MsQ1980 responded:
    I don't know. I feel often that its not meant for me to be in a relationship due to how things always end up ... Unsure of the type of music that you listen to but there is an artist called Jasmine Sullivan - a song she sings called Lions, Tigers and Bears - listen to the words -- Loving Love when it seems to hate us! . being told we are not worthy or even crazy! ...

    I don't know, I try to deal with the idea that perhaps I will just be alone for the rest of my life so I try to find joy in other things since Love only brings me pain, or the appearance of love ...
    divergyrl responded:
    Oh my goodness I've been wondering the same thing. I am currently in a relationship, but I worry that subjecting someone else to my own issues may cause them strain. It seems most men want to "fix" the problem when it's not something "fixable." I do not have any solutions, but I completely sympathize with what you are concerned with.
    Kiagirl21 responded:
    I have been in a relationship for 8 years now- it has totally been one hell of a ride- I broke it off twice in the beginning- not sure why- I just could not stop freaking out- I was so unsure of everything what iffing everything and doubting everything. I can honestly say that we make a great fit and have done nothing but grow along with our relationship- and trust me- he is almost as moody and temperamental as I am ....with an extremely short fuse and definitely Mr. flight or fight- so we have had our shares of ups and downs.

    I have had a few meltdowns but few and far between and more spread out as time goes on- I was diagnosed with bi-polar/anxiety blah blah and with the NEW meds that I am on now save the week before my period I feel better then I have in a very long time- just me...goes to show that the right meds can do for you when you are properly diagnosed and not just thrown on a pill (Paxil for 12 years)

    My biggest fear as how do I know if he is the one etc I was so afraid of being trapped (I have almost always been the breaker upper) - but then I am scared of being alone- I am scared of letting something go that I really wanted to keep- I was afraid to make a mistake and would jump the opposite direction just to forgo the mistake- big mistake)

    But when I stop and look back- he has been my anchor- If he were not in my life I really have no idea where I would have ended up. We even each other out a lot- we have both brought things to each other that have helped each other.

    So it is possible - but you have to find someone that is worth it and that thinks you are worth it and you need to learn to be OK with yourself and allow your self to just be and when you feel good- not hyped- just good remember how you feel- then when you feel bad you have to trust that what you felt before was real and how you really felt and feel- you need to learn to really trust yourself- believe me it is easier said then done- just take a day at a time....
    trying2relate responded:
    It is so helpful to read these posts- especially since I am on the other side of the fence. My boyfriend is the one who suffers from anxieties; mainly when he isn't in control like on subways or in social settings. we have been together for 4 years, and we have worked together to have a successful relationship. I am almost 30 now and ready to settle down and eventually start a family with him, but he just isn't as excited about the future as I am. he acts as though he has no emotion; very logical and non-emotional. i have learned that he doesn't want to get married mainly b/c of the wedding - and being the center of attention, and he still isn't sure if he wants kids b/c he doesn't think he can take care of himself, let alone children. After reading your posts, I realize that his is not alone in his "whatever happens" attitude. he told me that if i leave, he would understand and think that he could have done things differently, so I asked "then why not work with me on this and prevent us from ending"? I think its just that he doesn't want to promise to be someone that he is not, or that he can't be. He's a great guy, he just is out of touch with emotion and doesn't think he deserves love or happiness . when I talk about this with others, it sounds like he "just isn't that into me". but I know that he loves me and i want to help him have the best life possible. he is currently on medication but not seeing anyone. He feels that he is "too smart" to talk to someone, meaning that he will see right through what they are trying to ask. I disagree with this and think that it can only help. My question is: how much understanding is too much? how far should I be willing to go before saying enough? He says that everything is related to his anxieties, so how can i continue a successful relationship that leaves us both fulfilled considering that? Thank you for listening to me babble.
    Claire89 responded:
    Because you have that deep down feeling of feeling "not worthy of being loved", you invite men into your life who reinforce that by the way they behave toward you. You are in total control over that system which is a kind of reverse logic - that you are the one in control as you feel victimized by these "jerks".

    When you can let go of the belief system that you are not lovable and the victim of jerks - shed that like a wool jacket in the middle of summer - and actively build your life brick by brick with solid new structure - you'll change.

    - Claire

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