I just responded to this post and, unfortunately, the Internet swallowed it up, so I'm going to try reposting.
I can see that you would like to have a typical, happy family life but you feel that panic is making it increasingly more difficult to realize this dream. Panic brings with it depression, unfortunately, and the two together cloud our ability to actually see what we realistically can do if we can manage both of them. I believe you can.
A number of the things which appear to be interfering with your being able to realize this plan for the future can be handled by working with an experienced, licensed cognitive psychologist. Although you are not currently married and do not have children, you can begin to work on your skills around children, to find the areas where you need improvement, and this is where the cognitive psychologist can prove extremely helpful. If you have relatives or friends who have small children, this provides an opportunity for you to interact with them and, based on this interaction, to formulate a plan with your psychologist for future interactions in order to improve them. It's really a matter of learning a skill and you can do it.
Managing panic is also something that you can begin to work on with the psychologist. Many people are reluctant to go to a psychologist because they don't know what to expect. I have a whole chapter in my book, How to Be Your Own Therapist, where I go through a number of things that may be helpful to you. I would suggest that you do read this chapter.
It may even be a good idea for you and your boyfriend, whom I am supposing might be your future fianc?e, to have a few sessions with the psychologist so that he can help you. It's up to you what you would like to do.
Don't allow panic and depression to take over your life. You have a right to a happy life but you have to work on it. Others may post things that they have done in their married life which has proven helpful in terms of their panic. This is wonderful, but these things may not be workable for you. You have to develop your own strategies.