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Crazy or Just depressed?
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An_244293 posted:
I have dealt with a rather traumatic, life altering situation for three years now. I initially suffered intense depression to the point of being suicidal, inability to eat, function, etc. Over the course of time I rallied myself out of this depression to become a functioning citizen once more. However, on random occassions I am thrown back into this state of intense emotional depression.

That said, for nearly a month now I have been falling apart. Images running through my head of the events to the point that I become mentally and physically ill. I cry all the time, even on sunny days (used to be only overcast days that would trigger the crying fits), the suicidal thoughts have returned, as well as the cutting. I am in such a state of mental war between fighting for my sanity and the randomness of these emotions that my head feels like it could split apart. I am afraid that I may lose it at an moment but the thing that keeps me fighting, grounded, and from truly harming myself is my children. They deserve a happy, stable home and I am giving it to them but I'm afraid that eventually everyone will see me without my mask.

Am I going crazy?
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doxielover10 responded:
No, you are having a breakdown and from what you describe you need to see a Psychiatrist ASAP !!!

I know, I had a breakdown a few months ago and it was one of the scariest experiences I have ever had.

You need to call a Doctor today, I had 2 doctors and Dr. Farrell on this board to help me. It will not go away by itself, you need help and the proper medication to stop the loop you are going through. Knowing exactly how you feel, post back to us.

Allison
 
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str0ng replied to doxielover10's response:
Deep down I know you are right but there's the weight of scaring my kids because I can't make one of their functions, or they have to stay with my mom. Then I think about people being worried about me when I work so hard to act like I'm doing just fine. My mom practically babysat me for a year, panicing if I didn't answer my phone. I'm not as over the edge as I was then so I feel as though I can fight it this time or is that just part of the whole deal, the mind games to allude yourself into believing the same things that we sell to others. I'm a single mom now, I have to work, there's no money for dr's, and no time to be institutionalized which is a very real fear of mine should the right people learn of how out of it I can get. I don't think I'd actually do anything serious to myself, I just contemplate it. I drive down the road and wonder if I drive off the cliff would I die instantly or be in pain. I don't like pain, and I don't want to hurt my kids or family so I think this keeps me safe. I just pray a lot for God to kill me. I'm an inteligent person, but I'm tired of trying and pushing, and being strong, and when I give a little bit of faith I get hurt and it just wares me down. I don't trust my own thoughts, as to if I'm being paranoid on some things or if there is a legitamit reason to have doubt.

I have some time off next week, perhaps I will go shopping for a psychiatrist but I'm afraid, you know. I'm falling apart and I'm afraid people are going to know and the people that put me in this situation are going to laugh and take what little I have left away from me.

Am I imagining everything? Am I a dramatist? What is wrong with me?
 
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Patricia Farrell, PhD responded:
As you said, you suffered a very traumatic, life-altering experience and you are now suffering from the consequences of that. Something like this is not expected to be forgotten or handled quickly. It takes time for this to be resolved and, considering the other things which you have mentioned, I believe you should be receiving some help from a mental health professional such as a therapist.


I understand that the cutting that you are doing may make you feel better, but it is an additional indication that you do deserve some help, especially since you have children you love and you want them and yourself to be in a happy home. Please get referral to a psychologist or other mental health professional ASAP because I do not believe this is something that can be put off. You and your children need and deserve this help.


I know you are questioning your sanity and, considering all that you must have experienced, I can understand your asking this question. You have reached out, however, and that is a very good, positive sign. You know there are problems and you want help with them and that is another good sign. Now build on this and speak with a mental health professional.


Please let us know how you are doing.
 
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str0ng replied to Patricia Farrell, PhD's response:
Thank you. I took a step in finding some councelling by calling a help line provided by my work and was given several venues in which to find a therapist in my area and put aside fear of mounting medical bills that would just further add to my anxiety. I am hoping to pluck up the courage to continue to push through to find the help needed in order to find balance once again and be the person and mother that I want and know I can be. I want to feel whole again.

Thank you so much for the resource you are providing here. Having somebody to reach out to is help all in its own.
 
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doxielover10 replied to Patricia Farrell, PhD's response:
Is there a place to privately speak to you

Allison
 
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str0ng replied to doxielover10's response:
You can email me but I don't know how to discreetly send that to you.
 
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doxielover10 replied to str0ng's response:
Send what ?
 
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Patricia Farrell, PhD replied to doxielover10's response:
I'm sorry, but there is no option to reply confidentially. I only respond to posts here on the board. I know you'd like something a bit more personal, but that's got to be a therapist with whom you are working.
 
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Patricia Farrell, PhD replied to str0ng's response:
You'll find your way. It takes a bit of time.


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