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Anxiety/paranoia - fear of something that won't happen?
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An_252624 posted:
Hi, I'm not sure where to start, but to assure you I don't think I'm posting in the wrong forum. I am 35, married with one child, a girl almost 2. Husband is wonderful, loving and a great dad. Protective of us both.

Here's where the anxiety / paranoia kicks in: Growing up, I knew of many females that were abused. I had weird dreams as a small child and at one point, convinced it happened to me too. Was assured it hadn't - it couldn't and I agree. I didn't have any symptoms or signs. The dreams were explained away in a rational way and I got it. So, while I had my mini crisis at 16-yrs-old, I now fear for my daughter. Yet she has nothing to fear. My husband would never hurt her, but I am still scared of something that will not happen. I have a problem and I can't talk to him about it. I'm sure it would hurt him. He knows there's one thing I hate in this world and it's pedophiles. I've seen the damage they've done to people, friends. Affected them mentally. It's a living death, right? - That's been what I've observed as I saw friends turn to drugs, prostitution and eventual suicide.

The reality is that each time I get these paranoid thoughts, it makes me wonder if I was abused. How could I tell if I had been? I have no memory, and don't think regression is a good idea because one can regress into false memories too.

Like I said, I have a wonderful husband, but I have this terrible fear eating away at me and it's making me more distant from my husband. I don't have any diagnosed psychological conditions, but have had depression on and off through the years. I can get anxiety, but not to the point of hyperventilation. I didn't post this in the sex abuse forum because I didn't think it belonged there. I suspect my problem is in my head and yet...

I had this uncanny knack for picking out or detecting a pedophile or a victim from a young age. I wouldn't know instantly which was which, but as long as I wasn't close to them (friends for example), I could figure it out. My sense was never good when I had a friendship with said person. So, I'm left with the "do I go with my paranoia in case they're instincts warning me", or do I ignore them because my anxiety is unfounded? I try to remind myself each time I'm hit with the fear all the wonderful things about my husband, but the reality is, I think I have developed a notion (wrong or right) that all men are sexual predators and this isn't something I was born with, nor something I grew up with. Not sure what to do and how to deal with this one. I don't want to talk to my mother, because she's already said she doesn't know how (or where) anything could have happened to me. I did find out one of my babysitter's oldest son's molested his own brother after he had a stroke in his late 30s and I found that out while I was pregnant, with a heightened sense of everything and racing pregnancy hormones. I know I need to talk to someone, but I'm not really equipped with the financial means, just the brain sense to know I need to find out what's up and how to fix it before I ruin my relationship. I keep getting more distant as I'm not sure how to cope. I live in another country from my family and have no friends (I'm reclusive by nature). My HUSBAND is my best friend - that's why this is so tough because he hasn't done anything (that I'm aware of). I feel like I'm feeding a beast of a scary idea and it's almost like if I say it out loud, it will invite it into being and another reason I can't verbally talk about it. I'm sure the issue is me.
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An_252655 responded:
You should talk to your husband about it. I'm sure he'll understand and it will make you feel alot better when you're on the same page. You know the answer to your question: talk to your spouse. OK, good luck. It's not good to keep things bottled inside
 
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Rationalityontheline replied to An_252655's response:
Thanks for your reply. I don't want to hurt my husband by talking to him about it, because it says I have very grave doubts about him and my weirdo paranoid side says if I do say something, it plants a seed of an idea.

I love my family and don't want to do anything to affect that.

I do know that by venting my concerns on here a couple of nights ago, it kind of helped to just get it out. The fear subsided a little, but I know it will resurface again and when it does, I try to redirect it to evidence against the idea or notions. Thanks.

Eventually, I know I'm going to have to find some money to talk to someone about my problem, because even though I am 99% sure (I can't give 100%, or I wouldn't be paranoid at all) nothing would happen, there is obviously something up with me that needs addressing.
 
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rohvannyn replied to Rationalityontheline's response:
It's a lot better to bring these ideas out into the open, as you are doing, because if you never talk or write about them they will grow out of all proportion to reality. I think it is possible you could have been abused, but it is also possible you could have had some trauma just hearing about the results of pedophilia in someone else. Even knowing that something happens to others can really mess up a young mind, particularly if they don't have anyone to explain it to them or to process those concepts with by talking about them.

It might be helpful to think about whether you have anxieties in other areas as well. Also, this sense about pedophiles; were you accurate much of the time? And how did you know for sure that you were accurate? For all I know, you could have been right each time. I bring up these questions just as tools to help you decide where the problem lies.

Eventually it probably would be better to talk to your husband about it, emphasizing that you feel this way about all men and that you want to get to the bottom of it so you can get better. If you keep this from him, you run the risk of making him think you really do suspect him.

Best of luck with everything!
 
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sittingbull594 replied to rohvannyn's response:
hi...

I agree to talk to ur hubby about this. I've been married for almost 34 years and communication is key even if it's ugly! since you seem to have a window into this sorta stuff I would listen to your gut. I know with me its often hard to sort out whats really happening and whats intuision.

I think when it comes to our kids....BETTER LISTEN TO INTUISITION! I didn't sometimes and It caused a lot of problems for my kids and me.

Please be gentle with yourself. ok?!!


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