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Not been myself lately
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An_253198 posted:
I have always been a happy, positive type B type person. I've never let the world get me down. Now, I am stressed with anxiety and some depression and rage. I understand that some of it is situational- I am married with three kids, in a masters program, in a personal situation in my marriage regarding more kids or not.
I constantly have stressful thoughts about what I'm supposed to "be doing" right now- homework, housework, kids, dinner, husband, sex, gym, all of it feels like something that needs to be done. Even when I have nothing to do at the moment, I am stressing about tomorrow or I have to reassure myself "there's nothing to do right now, just relax, enjoy your family."
I have been grieving about the fact that my two year old is the last planned baby, but I honestly cannot handle another right now. I love my family, but they cause me so much rage sometimes.
Before I move on to my next point, let me be clear, I do not want to harm myself. I have no plan to harm myself. I do not want to die. I have a wonderful future if I just keep working toward it...but I have intrusive thoughts if I died I could relax. Sometimes I think if I just drove into oncoming traffic or blew my head off I could rest. I really am not suicidal, I promise. I own no guns. I wouldn't want to harm my family by being selfish with suicide. I recognize all of this. These thoughts are intrusive, I feel like they're not mine.
I am gaining weight like crazy because I comfort myself with food. My husband thinks there's something wrong in our marriage because I'm stressed all the time. My house is a mess.
I feel like I'm going a little crazy. I'm not sure if it's depression, anxiety, both. I'm pretty sure it will pass when I'm out of school. I stress a lot about my grades and deadlines and my future. I'm just having a hard time right now, wanted to vent. I feel like I can't tell my friends because they see me as the opposite of this person, they could never fathom I feel like this
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rohvannyn responded:
Thank you for coming here to vent. You aren't alone, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. It can be hard sometimes to talk to people you know, because they all have this preconcieved notion of who you are, and might get overly worried when all you are trying to do is get things off your chest. Have you tried to schedule a little "you time," even if it's just twenty minutes for a bath, where you give yourself permission to relax? It can be really hard to find time for that when you don't feel guilty for keeping busy. I like to listen to music when I am driving alone. For me, my commute becomes "me time."


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