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is this just anxiety & depression or something more?
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QCtaken posted:
Hello strangers. . . My anxiety keeps me from seeking out real help, so I thought I'd get some thoughts from the internet. Here's the rundown: I'm 32 yr male, single, shy, I've always had anxiety. When I was a kid I some times wet myself in the class room because I was too "shy" to raise my hand and be excused. Before I finished the 4th grade, I was taken out of school for unrelated reasons, and lived an isolated life with family in a semi bush-like setting with little social activity outside of church on sunday. My upbringing was extreme. It's understandable that in my adult life I have had anxiety and trouble fitting in to the world, as well as some depression to go along with it. Here are my thoughts now; I've been away from that isolated lifestyle for 13 yrs now, and still struggle with anxiety/depression. In my twenties I went through long phases of fear because I felt dangerous to others, as well as myself. The best way I can describe it is like a craving in my abdomen. For years I tried different methods to ease the feeling- everything from working myself to exhaustion, to gorging myself on various foods that seemed to help some. At some point I began to cut myself, and instinctively consumed the blood. That remains the most effective method. Those days are long in my past. After an attempted suicide, I've been able to find some peace and help that I've very much needed. I've had lots of success with several depression meds, and have brought my anxiety to a manageable level- but I still have days (like today) when I am completely lost to something unreal, that tells all of my instincts to curl up in a ball and rock myself to either sleep or exhaustion. Every time I want to rip my stomach out of my body as if it is some foreign invader. Today I locked myself in my room and couldn't be bothered by anyone. I couldn't even take the trip across the hall (3 ft) to use the bathroom. I know anxiety well, I've learned to deal with it since I was an infant. I feel like there is something really wrong that comes out in force when I have these bad days. I my early twenties I sincerely thought I was schitzo. . . But my doc at the time treated me for PTSD (my life being the traumatic event) I've since gotten a handle on a lot of things and don't feel dangerous to anyone, nor do I think I ever could be- a long cry from 23. But I still feel like there is something sleeping inside waiting to break out. The thing that concerns me most today is doing and saying things that I don't remember when I get really stressed- like moving things, turning things on and leaving them, and putting thinks in strange places. . . I sound crazy to me. obviously life is going to be a different experience for me than most. . . good thing i'm an artist. But I would like to not put things in my fridge that don't belong there, or at least remember when I do. Ok, so there's my novel... crossing my fingers and hoping I don't wake up to white coats in the morning. but i'm seriously concerned that I'm slowly going nuts.
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rohvannyn responded:
Hi there, stranger! Welcome.

Sounds like you are going through some tough times. It's great that you could reach out for other opinions even this much. It sounds like you are an intelligent, articulate person and I'm sure you will find a way through this. I'm not sure what advice I really have, though some of your symptoms are similar to mine. I too was isolated quite a bit as a child, and at times had trouble with shyness.

I think the best thing you could do is find someone who is competant, if you can, to talk to in the medical or mental health field. Believe me, I know how hard it is to find someone to trust, but if you can find someone like that some of the issues you have may be completely fixable. You are worthy of a better, happier life than this. Why can't we treat mental difficulties in the same matter of fact way we treat diabetes, for example? This isn't something that's your fault, after all, any more than a skin condition or dysfunctional eustachian tubes would be!

By the way, I too am an artist. It's a pain being as sensitive as I am! Have you tried creating art that helps express your feelings? Sometimes that can help. Journalling, meditation, exercise are all good. Anything that gets you outside yourself is going to help you right now. If stress causes it, work on managing your stress first. Even doing one little thing when you are having a bad day is a victory. Start small and take it from there.

Good luck to you!


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