Hey all, I just am looking for advice or help please. This post looks long i know but pleae bear with me. i have had clinical depression/anxiety since I was little. I have had great help with a counselor and doctors to get my anxiety levels down with most issues and it's much better than it used to be.
However, there is one aspect of my life that has caused me anxiety and slowly but surely consumed my life since I was a kid. The problem is food. I think about it all the time. I mean ALL the time. I try very hard to eat healthy and keep my portions to a small size and eat frequently through the day since I have a bad digestive disorder as well as low blood sugar. But I hate how much I think about food. I obsess over it. I calculate calories and GI levels and I've researched freakin everything trying to figure out how I should eat. I force myself to eat even when I am scared of a food (like yummy cereal or a cookie) because if I don't eat a little of the scary food it will control me.
I almost always feel hungry even when I am very busy or absorbed in something. I am also hungry after I eat still but I try to stop eating anyway because I have the capacity to eat a lot (it is genetic, all my dads side has the capacity to eat ungodly amounts of food and never be fat). I know I am not fat but I always FEEL fat, know what I mean? I always feel like an enormous human but my doctors all say I am healthy now and 2 years ago I was extremely underweight but I STILL felt fat. When I look in the mirror my brain is confused...I see evidence of being a normal weight. I see muscles and bones. And yet I still look fat and I always have this nagging feeling that I need to fix it.
I am very active but most of the time I am pushing myself because I am hungry but I want to earn my food by balancing it out with activity.
I am so sick of thinkin about food and being hungry. I've tried just ignoring my hunger but if I don't eat every few hours my blood sugar drops and I get hypoglycemic - I start shaking and sweating and have passed out. Also I get agonizing pain in my stomach. Also I get immobilizing migraines where I can't move for hours or days at a time and throw up and etc etc.
I wish food didn't exist and yet I am a cook and love flavor combinations and dishes is like doing art for me and people i know say i am very good at it and like me to cook for them with the flavor combinations and it's why I love restraunts with cool dishes and like it is like art to me.
WHAT DO I DO? This is agonizing. Like right now I am so hungry and a headache is coming on and I'm starting to feel shaky but I don't WANT to eat because it's stupid and I wish I could never be hungry EVER. And I like cry about it like i am crying right now WHY AM I CRYING WHY IS THIS SO SERIOUS. and no one in my life will help me or understands. They all tell me I have no reason to complain because I'm not fat so just shut up. The only person who understands is y friend because she has the same problem but we can't help each other besides moral support. If someone on this board can help me maybe I can help her too.
This is really hard I hope you guys don't think I am stupid or whiny I just want help please the anxiety over this is ruining everything. :_(
First! You are not alone. It sounds to me like you have an eating disorder. But this is good news. You know why? Because if you can pin down the problem, you can realize that it's not YOU doing this, it's the DISORDER, and you can find ways to fix it. You might want to research anorexia nervosa and see if that fits you, or if you can relate to it.
There are people out there who can understand your thoughts and help you with them. Maybe your doctor could give you a referral to someone with more expertees. I don't think you are whiny, I just think you are recognizing that you need help. Help is out there.
Thank you for replying. I know it has been a long time since I originally posted, but I have been in the process of moving and got caught up in that.
I really appreciate your encouragement. It makes it so much easier to go through when you don't feel alone or like you're crazy. Now that we are more settled in our new home I think you are right in consulting a doctor. I need to get connected with doctors anyway for health reasons.
I don't think I have anorexia because anorexics NEVER eat, right? I had some friends when I did modeling that were anorexic and/or bulimic which was very sad but it seemed different than what I am feeling. I will still look it up, though.
Again, thank you for the encouragement. I hope I can get this fixed ASAP.
One of the reasons why I thought about anorexia (and this may not fit you) is because a common theme with sufferers of this disease is the idea that they are fat, when they aren't really. They will see themselves and think "fat" when all the data in front of them points to slim or normal. Best of luck finding your answer!
You definitely are NOT stupid! I have the same problem to some extent. I don't obsess over it like I did though. It sounds to me like this is an obsessive compulsion. Maybe you should try a therapist, & see if that helps. Some things medications don't help with. But, having a person to actually talk to about what's going on might be a great help. It's worth a try anyway.
Rohvannyn, you may be right about the reason I see myself as fat even though evidence shows I am not...I thought perhaps about Body Dysmorphia which is something I learned about in a psych class and saw a documentary about. Besides being fat I've been told I exaggerate other flaws I assume are huge but apparently no one notices. But I don't think my case is as extreme as the ones I have read about/seen documentaries about...?
ssh49tn, I'm sorry to hear you have a problem similar to mine but it's very encouraging to hear that it will get better. I hope it gets completely better for you.
I can't afford a therapist at this point, I had one a while ago when I was dealing with bad depression/anxiety and it helped. I saw there are meetings at a local church called Celebrate Recovery, I am thinking I will try that and see if it helps. It's kinda hard to talk about how I feel about this situation because I'm so used to people rolling their eyes and dismissing me. I hope they just acknowledge my feelings.
Thanks again guys. I am really encouraged by y'all.
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