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Is my perspective on death healthy, or warped?
avantgarde posted:
I think about my own death, and others dying a lot (I'm 19, by the way). Like, more than 5 times a day. I've been that way since my dad died when I was 5; I guess you could say that experience put mortality on my radar. The thing is, when I think about others dying, I kind of go into panic mode. I don't think you could tell I'm panicking by looking at me, but in my mind I start acting like those paranoid suburbanites from the Cold war: stocking up on metaphorical supplies and building a metaphorical bomb shelter to survive looming disaster. Does that make sense? Like, I'm anxiously over-preparing for a situation that isn't even close to happening yet. And this worry has only been legitimate a few times; most of the time it comes on me just cause my mom isn't home when I wake up, or a friend might be 10 minutes late picking me up, and suddenly I'm like "Their dead! How am I gonna cope?!" I'm certain I have PTSD from my dad dying. It was pretty traumatic for me.
As for thinking on my own death, I probably do this more, and when I was little I totally dreaded it. Not being dead, because I believe in heaven, but more how I was gonna die...I just assumed I would die in a concentration camp or be gunned down or something! Now I'm sure I will have a very normal, anti-climactic death. So since I was...10? 12? death quit being a worrisome topic, and I began looking forward to it. I don't know if I'm suicidal, because I've never been close to attempting suicide, but I do frequently think, "well, I don't have to worry about buying a new shirt, cause when I die that shirt wont matter to me. I should buy a project to do with my niece instead." My mantra is "Just live till you die. That's all you have to do". I also remember thinking when I was 13, "I can do anything that comes my way, because if anything truly gets too hard, than it would kill me, and all I'd have to do is die." That thought was very comforting to me. I think I've always treated life like it was this HUGE challenge that is just waiting to knock you off your feet and defeat you, cause that's how I felt when I lost my dad. And people wonder why I have to be so prepared all the time. I do have suicidal thoughts written in my journal (basically just 'I want to die' stuff, I never go into how I would do it. All my so-called suicidal entry's are the result of PTSD panic attacks; its not from "My bff stole my boyfriend" or "gosh, I think I'm fat" crap.
So... what do you think? Is my mindset unhealthy, or is it unhealthy for someone my age? Or does everyone else actually think the same way?
sw3tflower responded:
I think everyone thinks about their own death at times. It's normal. But when it starts to interfere with your life or you dwell on it everyday, it's not healthy.
Obviously losing your dad at such a young age is awful. Have you talked to someone and worked through how it made you feel? It must have been very traumatic or connected to something that caused it to be traumatic for you. Is your mom supportive of you or does she dismiss your fears?
You are so young and have a long, healthy exciting life ahead of you. You're too young to waste it thinking about death.
Is there someone you can talk to? I urge you to try and find a therapist or doctor who can help you work through the fears you have concerning death.
You deserve to enjoy life. Not let thoughts of death control your life.
Please take care. My heart goes out to you.
bonhill replied to sw3tflower's response:
Your thoughts of death are very normal if you have a lot of anxiety. People with anxiety, especially if they have symptoms that cause them to fear they are dying, often become understandably obsessed with thoughts of death, including a fear of death. The longer the symptoms go on, the worse they seem to get. Finding a KNOWLEDGEABLE THERAPIST might be helpful, but even then, most therapists don't understand the anxiety-fear of death connection.
Read the books I've suggested in other posts. They will help you understand. And sw3tflower is so right - you are too young to be bogged down wth these fears, and the fear/worry might cause worsening anxiety, which can cause you to spiral downward - and you don't need that. My heart goes out to you -

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