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mind WAS my controller-what helped me
mindismycontroller posted:
read the terms and conditions of this very helpful site and i hope this is okay to maybe help someone or maybe many sufferers. i have had severe panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and have also been diagnosed bi-polar. i have seen many psychiatrists, psychologists, and family doctors. i have been prescribed about every med you can take for these problems. i have spent time in a mental hospital. i have had brain mapping and hypnosis. nothing really helped me for long. i could not leave my home, spent many hours in cold showers begging for the unknown fear of the attacks to stop. my mind was in control of everything that was me. i even had episodes of looking in the mirror and not being able to understand who i was looking at and why i was here. no going out, no friends, and felt as if i had no life. my brain controlled me in the worst way and i could not "beat it" and take control. i am almost 39 and when i started having these attacks many years ago i sought help through the above mentioned. at first i used alcohol to help turn me into someone else to get some relief from the unknown demons that were taking control of me. no one would treat me until i got off the sauce. i finally could not take it anymore and went to inpatient rehab. when i got out i started my journey through the many doctors mentioned above. i stayed sober for 4 1/2 years. nothing was helping so i relapsed by choice because i knew the alcohol would "beat it" and if i was going to be here i wanted to at least feel what i thought was happiness. that lasted about a year and i started hurting inside because of the over use of the alcohol. i could no longer afford to see specialists on my problem. i went to a regular doctor and explained everything i had done and all of the meds i had tried with no help. we tried some of the newer drugs on the market and still nothing worked. i had taken klonopin earlier and it helped, but my mind would still always be racing and thinking and although the panic attacks eased off i was always needing higher doses. not good when you have a history of alcoholism. i had also been prescribed adderall at one point by another psychiatrist, it also helped but the dose i was given was too much and it made things worse because it allowed my mind to be in control again. i started to study all of the meds i had taken and came up with a combination of meds that i thought(because of all i had gone through and how the meds affected me) would help. i talked with my doctor and explained why the meds and the doses given might help. he understood and we tried it. i figured the klonopin would keep the anxiety down and by adding a smaller dose of adderall they would work against one another to keep my mind at bay. it worked! i have not had a panic attack in over a year and i go out with friends to play golf and watch football games(actually at the game-something i never could have done before because of the noise and number of people). i am prescribed 2 10mg adderall a day and 4 1mg klonopin a day. i have even gotten to the point where i only take 1 1/2 adderall and 3 klonopins a day. i sometimes only need 1 adderall and 2 klonopins a day(what i take when i get up to start the day). i am looking for work again and have never felt better. i believe that the imbalance in my brain(known from brain mapping) has been somehow steadied by the 2 meds that are from opposite sides of what they are commonly used for, fighting against one another to bring balance back to my brain. it works for me. talk with your doctor. it might be helpful to you. i know how bad it is. i would not wish anyone to feel the pain and the not knowing what is going on with yourself(worst part for me) on anyone. i hope maybe this can help at least one person if not many. good luck, and if this doesn't help you take control of your life again, never give up! something or someone has got to be there to help. take care and keep fighting! you can win and get your life back!
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FemalePerson responded:
Dear MindMyController:

You are brave and I am moved by your soldiering. Please value your life by staying away from alcohol for the rest of your life.


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