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What to do/say? (TRIGS)
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AFP07 posted:
I posted a few weeks ago that my dear friend and her DH FINALLY got their BFP after 12 months of TTC... A couple of weeks ago, I started having this weird feeling about everything...I can't explain it, but something about her pregnancy just didn't "feel" right to me...

On Sunday, she tells me that she had been sick all morning (PTL!!!) but that she had been getting really nervous because her mom had lost a baby at 9 weeks and another at 10 weeks. She called Tuesday night and said that she was spotting, told me that it was mucousy pink only when she wiped but that she had been outside all day in the heat. I told her to lie down and drink plenty of fluids and if she continued to spot or it got darker/heavier to call the doc even though she was out of town. I knew that she had a doc appt on Friday (yesterday)...

She calls me today and wants to go baby shopping tonight, but doesn't mention the doc appt, so I finally ASK. She says that things didn't as positively as she would have liked. She's supposed to be 9w, 3d today, but as of yesterday (Friday), she was measuring 6w, 2d - a FULL 3 weeks behind - and there was no heartbeat.

The ultrasound tech apparently told her that it's possible she "caught the pregnancy REALLY early", but the doc told her that she thought MOST LIKELY that the baby has stopped growing and her body just hasn't expelled it yet but to come back next week for another u/s to see if it has grown any more...

I asked if it was possible that she has a tilted uterus because I KNOW from experience that can cause measurements to be off; however, that wouldn't explain the lack of a heartbeat...

She left the doc's office and her DH took her out to dinner and she threw it up all over the side of the road...She took this as a sign of pregnancy instead of nerves...

I REALLY want to think positively for her, but I just DON'T think this is going to turn out positively... She's our youth pastor's wife and I'm REALLY concerned with how she'll cope with a m/c - GOD FORBID - because they tried for so long and she was SOOOOOOO excited when she finally got that BFP.

My heart is TRULY broken for her. I mean, here I am about to give birth. Why have I been so blessed? Yes, I did have to TTC for a long time with BOTH of my pregnancies, but I have NEVER had to go through the AWFUL pain of m/c. What do I say? What do I do if the worst actually does occur? I'm afraid this will tear us apart for a WHILE - I understand that she'll need some time/space as she heals, but how do I show her that I'm here???

IS there a possibility this will turn out POSITIVELY for her???? Anybody got some experience with this???

Thanks in advance and thanks for making it this far - I know that it's long... Please just DEFINITELY keep her in your prayers!!!
Rhonda (28)
FINALLY conceived by the Grace of God, 2 rounds of Clomid, and lucky 13! Alexander Penn (EDD 8/9/10 but c/s at 39wks)
http://thepuckettlife.blogspot.com
6 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)I posted a few weeks ago that my dear friend and her DH FINALLY got their BFP after 12 months of TTC... A couple of weeks ago, I started having this weird feeling about everything...I can't explain it, but something about her pregnancy just didn't "feel" right to me...<br /> <br />On Sunday, she tells me that she had been sick all morning (PTL!!!) but that she had been getting really nervous because her mom had lost a baby at 9 weeks and another at 10 weeks. She called Tuesday night and said that she was spotting, told me that it was mucousy pink only when she wiped but that she had been outside all day in the heat. I told her to lie down and drink plenty of fluids and if she continued to spot or it got darker/heavier to call the doc even though she was out of town. I knew that she had a doc appt on Friday (yesterday)...<br /> <br />She calls me today and wants to go baby shopping tonight, but doesn't mention the doc appt, so I finally ASK. She says that things didn't as positively as she would have liked. She's supposed to be 9w, 3d today, but as of yesterday (Friday), she was measuring 6w, 2d - a FULL 3 weeks behind - and there was no heartbeat. <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/frown.gif" align="top" border="0"> <br /> <br />The ultrasound tech apparently told her that it's possible she "caught the pregnancy REALLY early", but the doc told her that she thought MOST LIKELY that the baby has stopped growing and her body just hasn't expelled it yet but to come back next week for another u/s to see if it has grown any more...<br /> <br />I asked if it was possible that she has a tilted uterus because I KNOW from experience that can cause measurements to be off; however, that wouldn't explain the lack of a heartbeat...<br /> <br />She left the doc's office and her DH took her out to dinner and she threw it up all over the side of the road...She took this as a sign of pregnancy instead of nerves...<br /> <br />I REALLY want to think positively for her, but I just DON'T think this is going to turn out positively... She's our youth pastor's wife and I'm REALLY concerned with how she'll cope with a m/c - GOD FORBID - because they tried for so long and she was SOOOOOOO excited when she finally got that BFP. <br /> <br />My heart is TRULY broken for her. I mean, here I am about to give birth. Why have I been so blessed? Yes, I did have to TTC for a long time with BOTH of my pregnancies, but I have NEVER had to go through the AWFUL pain of m/c. What do I say? What do I do if the worst actually does occur? I'm afraid this will tear us apart for a WHILE - I understand that she'll need some time/space as she heals, but how do I show her that I'm here???<br /> <br />IS there a possibility this will turn out POSITIVELY for her???? Anybody got some experience with this???<br /> <br />Thanks in advance and thanks for making it this far - I know that it's long... Please just DEFINITELY keep her in your prayers!!!
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booklvr04 responded:
Hi Rhonda -

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your friend's situation. I guess there is always the possibility that things will turn out okay - miracles do happen. But from what you have described, it does sound like an impending miscarriage. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. All you can do is just be a supportive friend and let her know that you care and are willing to help her in any way. It may be hard for her since you are so close to delivering your own little one, but let her know that you understand if she needs to take time to heal and if she's not all that excited about your pregnancy. Maybe you could write her a letter so she doesn't feel uncomfortable having an actual conversation. Many prayers that things turn out positively. Keep us posted!
Emily(31); DH(31) - After 4 failed IUI's we conceived on our own prior to our IVF cycle! EDD of Alexander Edward - 8/29/2010 Praise God! Next Appt: GTT - 6/10/10
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)Hi Rhonda -<br /> <br />I'm so, so sorry to hear about your friend's situation. I guess there is always the possibility that things will turn out okay - miracles do happen. But from what you have described, it does sound like an impending miscarriage. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. All you can do is just be a supportive friend and let her know that you care and are willing to help her in any way. It may be hard for her since you are so close to delivering your own little one, but let her know that you understand if she needs to take time to heal and if she's not all that excited about your pregnancy. Maybe you could write her a letter so she doesn't feel uncomfortable having an actual conversation. Many prayers that things turn out positively. Keep us posted!
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Taylove11 responded:
Hi Rhonda,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes okay for her. I agree with Emily. Just let her know that you are there for her. Maybe writing a letter would be best, in case she can't handle being around a pregnant women if the worst were to happen. Best wishes!
Taryn(22), DH (29). PCOS and MFIF. Expecting our first bundle of joy after trying for 13 months! EDD 8/08/2010. HR on 6/9, 159 BPM. Pink team!
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)Hi Rhonda,<br /> <br />I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes okay for her. I agree with Emily. Just let her know that you are there for her. Maybe writing a letter would be best, in case she can't handle being around a pregnant women if the worst were to happen. Best wishes!
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WorryGirl80 responded:
Rhonda, I agree with both Emily and Taryn, just try to be a supportive friend.

Trust me, I've heard stories on another board about some women measuring small and not finding a hb in that first u/s. It is possible that they will find it at her next u/s and that maybe she just got her dates wrong.

I've experienced spotting in all 3 of my pregnancies, but only one has resulted in a m/c even after seeing a hb on 2 different occasions. So, it's hard to say what will happen when it can go either way. Only God knows what plans he holds for her.

She and her LO will def be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.
Teresa(30), DH(48), MC 1/5/07, DS 7/16/08, EDD 8/20/10 It's a Girl! Emma
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)Rhonda, I agree with both Emily and Taryn, just try to be a supportive friend.<br /> <br />Trust me, I've heard stories on another board about some women measuring small and not finding a hb in that first u/s. It is possible that they will find it at her next u/s and that maybe she just got her dates wrong.<br /> <br />I've experienced spotting in all 3 of my pregnancies, but only one has resulted in a m/c even after seeing a hb on 2 different occasions. So, it's hard to say what will happen when it can go either way. Only God knows what plans he holds for her. <br /> <br />She and her LO will def be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.
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AFP07 replied to WorryGirl80's response:
Thanks, girls!

Saturday night, we went out and she still bought a couple of pieces of maternity wear...I talked her out of buying a Boppy and some other stuff by saying that by the time HER baby (this one or a future one) got here, she could use my stuff so she could save her money... I just didn't want her to be surrounded by baby stuff if the worst DOES happen...

There's NOT a possibility that she got her dates wrong as she (like many of us that took a while TTCing) was a POAS-aholic... She said that ALL of the lines were faint and when she went to the doctor for confirmation, they didn't do a blood test, but a pee test and it was faint (and also after she drank 20 oz of water)...

What DOESN'T make sense in all of this is that she's had the cramping at 4 weeks and 8 weeks just like I did (stretching), she had the spotting due to dehydration last Tuesday...BUT her m/s didn't start until LAST SUNDAY and has continued since then...If the baby is measuring 3 weeks behind, why would she start having m/s a full 2 weeks after the baby stopped growing??? Why would her symptoms be continuing if the baby (possibly) died 3 weeks ago???

Saturday night as we were talking, she said that the u/s tech mentioned that she was going to take a look at her ovaries and suddenly, it looked as though a foot came across the screen. She and her DH both asked what that was and the tech said in a rushed way, "Oh, it was nothing..." Huh??? I thought maybe it was one of the ovaries, but they look more like jellybeans or kidney beans or something like that, but still...if it WERE the ovary, why wouldn't the u/s tech just say that?

This whole situation is just WEIRD...I've told her that DH and I are here regardless and she said that she understands what all could happen in this situation and if it's not God's will, she understands...however, she's still remaining hopeful and she can't explain why... She's being very open to people about the complications when they ask how she's doing - so that's good...

Thanks for your help; I'm just TOTALLY confused!!!!
Rhonda (28) FINALLY conceived by the Grace of God, 2 rounds of Clomid, and lucky 13! Alexander Penn (EDD 8/9/10 but c/s at 39wks) http://thepuckettlife.blogspot.com
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)Thanks, girls!<br /> <br />Saturday night, we went out and she still bought a couple of pieces of maternity wear...I talked her out of buying a Boppy and some other stuff by saying that by the time HER baby (this one or a future one) got here, she could use my stuff so she could save her money... I just didn't want her to be surrounded by baby stuff if the worst DOES happen...<br /> <br />There's NOT a possibility that she got her dates wrong as she (like many of us that took a while TTCing) was a POAS-aholic... She said that ALL of the lines were faint and when she went to the doctor for confirmation, they didn't do a blood test, but a pee test and it was faint (and also after she drank 20 oz of water)...<br /> <br />What DOESN'T make sense in all of this is that she's had the cramping at 4 weeks and 8 weeks just like I did (stretching), she had the spotting due to dehydration last Tuesday...BUT her m/s didn't start until LAST SUNDAY and has continued since then...If the baby is measuring 3 weeks behind, why would she start having m/s a full 2 weeks after the baby stopped growing??? Why would her symptoms be continuing if the baby (possibly) died 3 weeks ago???<br /> <br />Saturday night as we were talking, she said that the u/s tech mentioned that she was going to take a look at her ovaries and suddenly, it looked as though a foot came across the screen. She and her DH both asked what that was and the tech said in a rushed way, "Oh, it was nothing..." Huh??? I thought maybe it was one of the ovaries, but they look more like jellybeans or kidney beans or something like that, but still...if it WERE the ovary, why wouldn't the u/s tech just say that?<br /> <br />This whole situation is just WEIRD...I've told her that DH and I are here regardless and she said that she understands what all could happen in this situation and if it's not God's will, she understands...however, she's still remaining hopeful and she can't explain why... She's being very open to people about the complications when they ask how she's doing - so that's good...<br /> <br />Thanks for your help; I'm just TOTALLY confused!!!!
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PGinSJ replied to AFP07's response:
I think open communication and understanding are the best things you can offer her as a friend. I have been through IF and two m/cs and at times had to distance, but my good friends understood and I could be upfront with them about all of my feelings without them taking it personally, that was a blessing.

But others were needy and got pissed, I am not friends with them anymore. I simply could not push myself to be around pg women, baby showers, etc at times following trauma or say for instance the 10th negative cycle of TTC, kwim?

As for your questions about m/s~what causes m/s in actually a drastic fluctuation in the level not the actual level itself. So it's a mistake to think that the higher your HCG the more m/s because studies prove that isn't true. HOWEVER, those with m/s do have a lower risk of m/c.

With my last m/c I was measuring about a week small and two weeks later had a natural m/c. 2 weeks after a baby stops growing is the usual time that your body expels it. HOWEVER, there is such a thing as a missed m/c.

Honestly, I don't think it sounds good for your friend but then again I have heard stories where it looked bad and turned out fine. I think her best bet is to get another u/s a week later like they advised. But no it's not normal for someone to measure 3 weeks behind if they are assured of their conception date. The standard is give or take 4 days in the beginning (later in pregnancy there is much more variance but in the beginning it's not normal unfortunately).

I wish her the best of luck, let us know what happens. Hugs to you, youre a good friend Rhonda. Hit me up anytime, unfortunately I know alot about this stuff. I am most on PAIF though.
Christy (37) and DH (36). Our first, blue team, EDD 8/26/10.
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)I think open communication and understanding are the best things you can offer her as a friend. I have been through IF and two m/cs and at times had to distance, but my good friends understood and I could be upfront with them about all of my feelings without them taking it personally, that was a blessing. <br /><br />But others were needy and got pissed, I am not friends with them anymore. I simply could not push myself to be around pg women, baby showers, etc at times following trauma or say for instance the 10th negative cycle of TTC, kwim?<br /><br />As for your questions about m/s~what causes m/s in actually a drastic fluctuation in the level not the actual level itself. So it's a mistake to think that the higher your HCG the more m/s because studies prove that isn't true. HOWEVER, those with m/s do have a lower risk of m/c.<br /><br />With my last m/c I was measuring about a week small and two weeks later had a natural m/c. 2 weeks after a baby stops growing is the usual time that your body expels it. HOWEVER, there is such a thing as a missed m/c.<br /><br />Honestly, I don't think it sounds good for your friend but then again I have heard stories where it looked bad and turned out fine. I think her best bet is to get another u/s a week later like they advised. But no it's not normal for someone to measure 3 weeks behind if they are assured of their conception date. The standard is give or take 4 days in the beginning (later in pregnancy there is much more variance but in the beginning it's not normal unfortunately). <br /><br />I wish her the best of luck, let us know what happens. Hugs to you, youre a good friend Rhonda. Hit me up anytime, unfortunately I know alot about this stuff. I am most on PAIF though.
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UGAmomof2 replied to PGinSJ's response:
Hey Rhonda....sorry I'm so late to reply. First off, I always say that God is in control and it is ALL in His hands!!! I've seen stranger things turn out just fine. However any loss is devastating and IMO sometimes worse when you are TTC anyway. Having been through it myself, there were times when I had probs being around pg friends. No matter what, just be their for her and know she may need time by herself to just deal. She'll always remember that.

For now, be supportive for her and postive!!! Super hugs to you and tons of prayers for her!!!
Nicki(35) DH(35) DS(10) DD(2) THANK YOU LORD DD2-EDD 08/18/10 (PINK TEAM) CLOMID BABY (C9)- MADISON GRACE. blog:onelittletwolittlethree.blogspot.com
Report This| Share this:What to do/say? (TRIGS)Hey Rhonda....sorry I'm so late to reply. First off, I always say that God is in control and it is ALL in His hands!!! I've seen stranger things turn out just fine. However any loss is devastating and IMO sometimes worse when you are TTC anyway. Having been through it myself, there were times when I had probs being around pg friends. No matter what, just be their for her and know she may need time by herself to just deal. She'll always remember that.<br /> <br />For now, be supportive for her and postive!!! Super hugs to you and tons of prayers for her!!!
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