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Am I alone - symptoms don't add up
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An_251770 posted:
My husband is an aspie - he never speaks to me yet when with others he is noisy and speaks over people. Every night he sits on the sofa, grimaces and never speaks.
We have been married for nearly six years. I didn't know he was an aspie otherwise I wouldn't have married him.
He is obsessed with me. He copies everything I do or say. If I take off my shoes, he does. If I cough, he does. I feel so inhibited. He steals my conversations and repeats what I have said to others as though its his own conversation.
I was horrified to find my knickers in his bedside table, screwed up and hidden yet had been worn by him.
He wees in a coffee jar. I mentioned this to the doctor adn the doctor seemed to think it was alright. I have never encountered such behaviour and frankly its driving me crazy. I am so unhappy. I am a christian and believe that I should stay in the marriage but he is just mentally abusing me.
I have read the content of this site and nobody seems to be having the problems I am encountering. Is there something else going on here do you think?
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danielleisdone responded:
My husband is Asperger. He doesn't do things similar to what yours has done but he has a lot of weird communication behaviors like repeats what I said like it was his original thought, when he's talking to someone else he's looking at me instead of them. A lot of times he just can't speak! His eyes are unusual and often he has a glazed, staring look to him.

All of his drawers are junk drawers. The stuff piles up for years! Open a drawer and it looks like a rat has been trying to nest in there. He likes to pick up junk at garage sales and claims he has a big plan to use it. Slide screen, metal detectors, stereo receivers,etc. Up into the top level of the garage it goes!

15 years ago he paid a sawyer to saw mill 3 oak trees in our yard. He paid big money for it. He built a structure to house it and dry it so he could build something. The structure has now collapsed with all of the boards under the roof. He has agreed hundreds of times to get rid of it and then forgets. I even took him to a local cooperative woodshop so he could use the equipment and build his imaginary wood projects.

He can't see that his life is a pattern of fantasies and ideas that are momentary and unrealistic. He can't see into the future, at all, and is destined to be alone...with his wood and slide screen.
 
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danielleisdone responded:
I found out my husband (an Aspie) was also molested as a child but can't remember it well and doesn't understand the ramifications of it. He has (had, because there is no more sex here) terrible anxiety and ED when trying to have sex! Now, he seems very asexual. Perhaps your husband had a similar situation because he was a vulnerable child. Wearing your knickers and peeing in a jar? Uh, no, that is not frickin okay!
I am a Christian too and it bothers me that I will be divorcing, but believe me I have worn myself out trying to connect with him. Really, there is no other option. This is crazy here.
 
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Attheendofmytether replied to danielleisdone's response:
Thank you for responding to my message. I waited a long time and was beginning to think there was nobody out there.

Its not getting better. He is so miserable - never smiles. Sits on the sofa every night and never speaks.

He collects rubbish. I threw an old mop head out months ago and he went through the bin bag and took it out. I found it at the back of his shed this week.
 
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Attheendofmytether replied to danielleisdone's response:
Thank you for your response to my message. My husband could hve been molested - he went to boarding school but says he wasn't abused. He probably can't remember either.

We don't have a sexual relationship. I feel like I am his mother. I understand that aspies have obsessions and I believe I am his obsession. I know that my clothes are disarranged when I come home - it makes me vomit to think he is wearing my clothing.

How much longer oh Lord, how much longer?
 
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francess84 replied to Attheendofmytether's response:
The way you are talking about Aspergers as if it is the cause of your problems makes me sick. Autism Spectrum disorders are not the problem. You are.
Trying on clothes, peeing into a jar? That doesn't sound normal and has no connection to ASD. Most behaviour that people with ASD do can be changed. There are plenty of books.
I can't believe you have just said that if you knew the man you married was an "aspie" that you wouldn't have married him!! I'm sorry but you knew who he was when you married him. A person doesn't change when they get married. Your problems are normal marital problems and are not solely his fault. You have not mentioned how he behaves when you approach him about these issues which makes me wonder if you ever did.
You need a marriage counsellor NOT to come on here and be rude about the Autism Spectrum Disorder. It's a direct insult to all of us when you say that you would not have married someone with that condition. My husband would be downright offended, being someone who married and loves his ASD wife!

It sounds to me like you don't want to take any action and just want to bitch. If you want advice, I'm happy to give it, but you need to have more respect for the disorder that is none of our faults. Life is harder for people with ASD than it is for their partners
 
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danielleisdone replied to francess84's response:
To Frances. You are angry and defensive. The purpose of the forum is to help each other not blame. The real problem living with an Aspie is the loneliness and lack of shared meaning and connection.Like "At the end" I did not know my husband was Asperger although I asked him what was going on with him before we were married. My husband has wonderful qualities that attracted me to him but I have learned I need love and intimacy as well.

"At the end" did not know her husband was going to have really strange perhaps sexual deviances until she was well into the marriage.It is extremely painful to have to figure out on our own what is going on! I think it must be worse than losing a spouse to death because you don't really get the sympathy, benefits or clean-cut break from it all. I am 57 and I feel like my life has been ruined. I cannot stay married to my husband it is too hard and starting over and finding a new mate to grow old with may not happen. So lighten up and post something helpful to the forum.
 
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francess84 replied to danielleisdone's response:
I am more than happy to help anyone but the things that are being said about asd is not acceptable. You say the forum is about being supportive? What about the parents of children with asd who are hearing that someone wouldn't marry someone simply because they are autistic. It should be about the person. It's like refusing to marry a blind person just because they are blind. Patents like me have to hear that closed minded people might reject my daughter if they found out her condition? Regardless if they knew her for years and was happy then?

If you were not married blindly and had dated your partner before marrying them, then I'm sorry but yoy did know them. People with asd are not incapabble of love. Sometimes they have trouble showing it. If that's the case, then it was when you married them too.
For sure, complain about issues in your marriage related to asd but don't pretend you didn't know who you were marrying. How long did you know them first? And how shallow are you to claim you wouldn't marry someone because of a medical condition. Your problems are directly with ONE person. Not asd.

There are a lot of people saying that if you are married to someone with asd that you should "get out now". If I don't speak up, who will.
My husband is offended, I am offended, and we are both offended on behalf of our daughter too.
 
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danielleisdone replied to francess84's response:
I never said I didn't know there was something wrong before I married him. I did suspect something and I asked him a couple of times and he said there was nothing wrong! That's the truth. Several times throughout the marriage I've asked him and suggested something was just not right with our marriage.

I never pretended I didn't know...I just didn't know what it was; the mistake was thinking he was going to tell me. I don't think ne knew either. I married him anyway, thinking things would get better. It wasn't all bad. I just don't get any emotional support and never had. It took all these years to add it all up!

This morning I got up and had a conference call for one of my 3 jobs. While on the call he asks me to fit in 2 errands for him today. I will be working 2 of my jobs. I asked him what he was doing tonite and he said watching football.

No matter how I complain or point out how selfish that is, he just doesn't get it. I don't know about your daughter, I am only relaying my experience.
 
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francess84 replied to danielleisdone's response:
Please know that my problem was with the suggestion that you would have chosen not to marry an autistic person on that fact alone. It sounds to me like your problem is that you married someone with the expectation that they'd change?

I understand how frustrating that is and everyone needs emotional support. The question is whether you can get enough from elsewhere to make your marriage worth sticking with.

I do wonder though, are you explaining yourself clearly? You have to remember that anyone on the spectrum can't put themselves in another's shoes. They also can't read between the lines well. Yesterday I had someone ask me if I had a pillow orcushion I could use. I said yes. It wasn't until quite a deal laterthat I realised she was asking me to get one.
You may find it helpful to relate your situation to one you knowhe's experienced. To use the example you gave above, think of a time when he became angry or upset because someoneasked him to do more than he felt he could. Explainnthat you feel how he did then. Make sure there are no distractions when talking to him. Be frank always.
It's quite common for people on the spectrum to know their own problems. They don't realize that others don't feel the same way. My husband was the one who pointed out bit by bit that people just don't feel the way I do (high anxiety, frustration withccommunication). Perhaps you would benefit from learning about autism and using that knowledge to improve communication between you two?
And don't assume that because he doesn't say, he doesn't feel. I struggle to say sorry or ask how my husband's day was. Doesn't matter if I am sorry or if I desperately wamt to know how hid day is, I still get blocked with something that I still can't explain. I know you need to hear it, so you need to find ways to make him more comfortable expressing himself. Perhaps he'd rather share his feelings in writing. The benefit of this is he has plenty of time to reflect on what he's writing and he doesn't have to get it right the first time.

I must go but I hope some of this was useful. I also hope you understand why I found that comment so offensive.
 
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danielleisdone replied to francess84's response:
Helpful? You cannot believe how helpful all that information is. And it describes him a lot! I cannot imagine how hard it must be for him and you. I did not know any of this and have struggled for sooo many years. He is precious, but it just may be too late because I'm so worn down.

On October 31 he is going to get a final diagnosis of Asperger and I am quite sure she will say he has it. Then what? I am not happy. Even though your suggestions are great I just don't know if I have it in me any more. But it helps because I have to still work some stuff out and we still live together.

I don't mean to pry but we have no sex life and haven't for years and when we did it was terrible. Is there any help for him there?

Is he a vulnerable adult? Will he need some kind of assistance when I am gone? In your best estimation does he feel normal at all?

Another big problem we have is that I think his brother has taken financial advantage of him. We purchased a cabin with his bro and he tricked us into signing his mortgage. I was in agreement with everything before I knew husband was ill.
Is it an illness. Thanks Francesca......Danielle
 
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francess84 replied to danielleisdone's response:
When he gets an official diagnosis, you may find it useful to work with a psychologist. They can help him and you both with marriage difficulties.

Sex is not easy for people on the spectrum. You must remember that their brsins run a mile a minute. To stay focused and in the moment is just not that easy. For some the interest is there, a few have no interest what so ever. Again a psychologist might know more as tk whether there is help there.

He is a vulnerable adult. My husband does not allow me to pay for anything from telemarketers or door knockers as I've got us in trouble before. We don't always know when someone is deceiving us and it's easy to be taken advantage of.
His level of assistance needed will depend on his individual case. For me, I struggle with housework most of all and managing money. If I were alone, you can bet my house will be a mess but I'd get the minimum done to have clean clothes and dishes. It may not be worth visiting. I have enough ability to get by but I can easily dig a hole.
I very much doubt he feels normal. Or, if he does, it would be because he doesn't understand what normal is. Usually it is easy to see how easily things come to others that we struggle with. Some end up angry, others depressed. Self hate is common. Others hate the rest of the world.

I can't speak directly for your husband as we are all unique but I can say if you are not happy, neither is he. People on the spectrum are very empthatic and I believe we hurt more than the person we are empathic for. We have to close our hearts off for survival in some cases which makes us appear cold. I can't watch the news because I end up feeling hopeless, crying and overwhelmed. We can't easily sit in between where "normal" people sit. On a side note, this is also true for our intellect.

I must go. Continue to ask away and let me know how his resukts go. I do hope you can give it a bit longer with your marriage noe that you know the cause. The psychologist may help take the load off and it sounds like your husband might start doing some work too to improve himself. Think it over but you've come this far, maybe it's worth a few more months?
 
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danielleisdone replied to francess84's response:
Hi Francesca, I thought Aspies (no offense intended) didn't have empathy...or can they just not show it? John laughs at gory things in movies and at other upsetting things.

Here is one of the 3 biggest problems I have with him: isolation. We did not have children, we live in an isolated environment and we have no couple's friends. On weekends and holidays we are totally alone! We don't have much extended family. When we got married I foresaw this as a potential problem and it worried me, now it feels like my worst nightmare. I wonder if he scares people away. He doesn't ever suggest including friends. He gets his social needs met through organized groups, mostly his AA group and friends. I am bored out of my skull with him!
 
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francess84 replied to danielleisdone's response:
That is s myth. People on the specttum are more empathic than average. That often results in them learning to cope with it by not allowing themselves to feel any. I personally can look at a huge disaster and just get angry that they are making such a big deal with donations and the rest. Now I know that it's a good thing to help others and it's very tragic but if I allow myself to accept it, I'll be morning every single loss as if I knew them. I can't handle that every day.
And you are right, they also don't know how to express their emotions. Thirdly they can't put themselves in other people's shoes so their empathy is limited to what they can relate to. Even then they might not connect what is going on with another to what is going on with them.
He will never be keen to see people. He won't suggest it. You need to be the one seeking the friendships. You don't need to make friends for him as he is ok with limited friends. You can however invite your husband out with you and your new friends or just go out by yourself. I see my couple of friends four times a year each and that is when I'm working very hard at it. I do need them just not often

Gtg
 
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danielleisdone replied to francess84's response:
That is so very interesting! I now know some things I can do to make my life easier and better. Like, not work 3 jobs because he won't share his paycheck...I need to find a way to slow down.

I met a guy this summer that was so nice and friendly. He was doing metal detecting at a lake. Eventually I invited him over to do it with my husband. Our new friend is kind of "slow" due to brain damage from rheumatic fever. He likes my husband and I set them up on a play date (lol) I do have to give up on expecting couples friends or him setting up social things. Thanks Francesa...keep writing. Anything I can help you with?


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