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asbergers husband
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parabeagle posted:
i've written to this discussion before.
i have Obsessive compulsive Disorder. in fact so severe that i got SS disability. that was bittersweet.
my husband and i have been maaried 25 yrs. our marriage has been miserable. i took the blame because of my OCD. then after having to move and start with a new psychiatrist, i think my husband has asbergers. my dr. can't say for sure, becaise he hasn't met my husband. but it all falls into place now. yes my ocd is very hard to live with.but my husband's behavior is angry and irrational among other symptoms i attribute to possible asbergers. of course my husband is sure nothing is wrong with him.
we are lliving in his parents home which he inherited with his brother. i can't change much of anything because it's all stuff that reminds him of his mom. he was very close to her. one time she and i had a discussion about my husband and she agreed he might be "slow".
i am in arkansas,now very different from WI where i was born and lived for 62 years.
i am very worried to be living with a man who doesn't think ratioanlly.i wish one of us had a so called "normal" mind. he leaves all decisions to me and i am trapped here because we spent all of our savings moving here. i have lost lots of jobs due to ocd. also i have pet birds. if i went on my own i would have to live gov't housing and probably have to give up all of my pets.
my husband is totally against divorce. we both have gone through heartbreaking divorces.
so i am scared and trapped.
my question all of you is:
DO YOU THINK I'M BEING A WHINER OR DO YOU THINK HAVE A LEGITIMATE RIGHT TO FEELL SO SCARED AND SAD?
thank you for any answer!! please.

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my question to all of you is DO YOU THINK I AM BEING A WHINER OR DO YOU THINK I HAVE A LEGITIMATE RIGHT TO FEEL SO SCARED AND SAD?
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danielleisdone responded:
Dear Parabeagle, I feel sad that nobody has answered you. You feel how you feel and you must honor your feelings. I hate to say this, but you are trapped. Maybe you are gone by now?
You are not a whiner, you are smart for reaching out. My husband just completed testing for Aspergers and we haven't gotten the results yet. He is not mean, he is cold sometimes, and he is incapable of empathy and closeness. I have had 2 terrible years with the awareness and testing etc. I went through some periods where I felt scared and bought pepper spray and slept with it in the other room. I even went to the police station to talk to someone. He has not laid a hand on me. The Aspie-tester said she didn't think he was capable of violence. Follow your instincts and if there's ever a threat or attempt go to the police station or call a women's shelter. I did that too a few times just out of fear. go get some pepper spray and review in your mind what you would do. Don't worry that you are over reacting, you will feel a little safer.
And you can probably find a way out; just start working on a plan! Maybe govt. housing wouldn't be so bad?
 
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parabeagle replied to danielleisdone's response:
dear danielleisdone,
thank you very much for your reply. it's a relief to get feedback,especially supportive feedback. i have no friend or family member to talk with. my husband has made many friends here in arkansas,because he has come to this town to visit his mom for the past 30 yrs. i have not kept up with friends in wisconsin except for 2.
friends & family are sick of hearing about my life.also my own siblings don't recognize OCD as a legitimate disorder.
i'm still living with my husband, in the same way we always have been.
today because of icy roads from last week's storm, my husband cancelled my psychiatrist appt. of course i had to make the actual cancellation call.
i hate my husband. i've tried praying and turning to God for help.
i can't stay focused on prayer and also for weeks now,i keep falling asleep most times when i sit down.
i think if i had known that my husband could have asbergers , i probably could have been more understanding.
but now after 25 years together i have come to blame myself and hate him.
he's a little nicer because it's the Christmas time. last night i told him that if it weren't for my many pet birds i have,i'd probably be suicidal . all he said is "hey,don't think about that, you're my ace in the hole for when i get old and sickly.' that i'm needed to help him.
no consideration for my feelings -just his.
thanks for caring.
 
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danielleisdone replied to parabeagle's response:
Hi. It is hard to be in love with someone that is demeaning! No wonder you hate him. I am not in love with my husband either because of the things he says and does. I get my actual diagnosis tomorrow. My husband is 50 and we've been married for 21 years. There are many things that I now think point to Asperger's. Today, I am thinking about whether or not I will stay with him. I need the actual diagnosis and his response about it. It is very lonely! Without family is even worse. My mother has really stepped up. Thank goodness. Please find support and hang in there because there is a way out and the pain won't always be there.
If you have a passion for birds focus on them because they need you. You can get away eventually when the time is right. I will let you know how I come out and what my plans are maybe that will help you.
 
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danielleisdone replied to danielleisdone's response:
You won't believe this. I got husband's diagnosis as Fetal Alcohol syndrome. It all fits too. He did the Asperger testing and did not meet any of the criteria. I think FAS is probably worse! Definitely need out now.
 
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parabeagle replied to danielleisdone's response:
dear danielle...
unreal about the FAS! i did ask my psychiatrist today at my appt. about FAS. he said that FAS can damage brain cells. that damage can be permanent,
at least your husband went to a dr. mine thinks there is nothing wrong with him.
are you spending Christmas with your husband? i hope that goes well for you.
take care,
 
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danielleisdone replied to parabeagle's response:
Now he went to the most recent therapist by himself (last Thursday) and came home and said she said, "nothing is wrong with him." A pattern here. We're on therapist number 4! Goes by himself and comes home with a whole new story, that he is fine!! I still think FAS because his mom told me she drank with him inutero (pregnant)
Did I mention 5 DWI's, jail, group home, treatment 3 times, home monitoring with ankle bracelet? This was all before I made the mistake of marrying him!
Christmas with him sucked, Hope it's my last.
 
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parabeagle replied to danielleisdone's response:
sorry your Christmas sucked. i also feel bad that you have so much bad history with your spouse.
i did receive one gift from my spouse- a child' necklace- a hello kitty initial necklace. it's cute,but not appropriate. i did have a special doll on order since July and it came a few days before Christmas-so that is a nice present.
but i don't care about the gift giving. on Christmas eve my chest was so tight and wheezy. i asked rick to pick up some robitussin if he will be going out. he said he'd do it even if he doesn't go out. hours passed and i never got the med. but he did clean the mold
off all the windowsills. this house was built in the 70s. there are metal windows,but they don't work properly. we get so much condensation that mold loves to grow on the window sills.
cleaning the mold and putting a new filter in the air purifier seem to have helped my wheezing
as much as i don't like living with him, if he felt sick on Christmas eve- i would definitely go right away to get him the medicine.
not just lonely here, but worried that if i got really sick the birds and the the house work would not be taken care of.
i hope the new year will bring the changes you want and need. thanks for taking the time to read my posts and respond. that means a lot to me.
barb
 
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parabeagle replied to parabeagle's response:
have not been "in" love with my husband for years. i did promise to take care of him as he gets older/ or sick.
he has a hard time living with my OCD rituals.
i think the least i can do is care for his health. he found that he has heart disease years back and needed an angioplasty. now his medication has kept him in pretty good shape.
he he often misses or postpones his daily meds. i encourage him to be more regular taking his meds.
three days ago a regular checkup shows that his blood pressure is up. they gave him a home blood pressure kit. he is supposed to take his BP and contact his doctor if it gets higher. he has no idea what his BP was and what number to aim for. he hasn't even opened the BP kit.
i wanted to call his doctor's office for more info. on his BP and using the BP cuff etc.
he told me no "HE DOES NOT WANT ME IN HIS BUSINESS"
i can't be "nice" (for lack of a better word) to him in any way.
it's crazy to live in a life where he isn't nice to me, and as well i can't be"nice" to him


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