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Stay in or get out the marriage
slky0112 posted:
I have married to an Aspie for sixteen years. He was formally diagnosed in August of 2012 while he was battling with mental illness. He is gentle mostly unless I offended him because of his hubbies. We had some not so PEACEFUL days. For instance he has a record with the police because he hit me and I dialed 911. My late mother-in-law (funeral mass took place on 1/17/2014) certainly was not happy about me even a few years later after we two had put the instance behind us. When the instance happened my husband's only sibling Jennifer lived with her boy friend then and their daughter.

I felt my standing in the family was getting worse after they had a child and even worse after they got married. Jeff's sister-in-law was someone very "unique" in the way she dealed with Jeff's past serious mental illness. There was no compassion and love from her towards my husband, just purely self-centeredness, if I use some nicer word. At one point, I did tell her over the phone, "If Jeff died, I can always remarry, but your brother will never come back" to try to "wake her up" to not ignore my emails and voice mail nearly one month after Jeff's first Psych ward treatment, the day after I found out about Jeff's suicide note in his draft email folder.

My problem with her was also how she treated me, boy, her "talked down" way of communication style was much worse than my late mother-in-law, during Jeff's mental illness in 2012. I had forgiven her, otherwise I wouldn't have invited her family over for Christmas, when Jeff said that she wouldn't come. They did come.

I wrote the following to an O.P. Sister Mo: "Basically we live a rather simple lifestyle.. however Jennifer said she will work until she is seventy years old...for she is over-spending like lots of Americans do.  We didn't even have vacation for many years, from 2003 to 2011, in order to pay off mortgages two years ago. Now that she and her husband knows about this fact according to my husband Jeff... should we be giving her "a blank check so to speak"... I really don't know. "

She adviced me that we should not give Jennifer a blank check as two families would share the cost evenly. For instance she and her husband wanted to spend $700 for three same obits to be on three newspapers and $525 for food. When comes to one burial option for only $225 plus the cost for a marker, she said she didn't have money for it. Her husband's wishful thinking was that more obits published formally, more cards and donation money would fly in. It turned out that only $105 from relatives and some of Mother-in-law's close friends. They are people for "show", for "face saving" (very much like Chinese) and I am more for basic proper burial, Christian and Chinese value. She could easily save $225 from food cost by asking us and relatives to bring in fruits, vegetables and dessert. That was what I did for the annual Welcome Picnic event, of Madison Friends of International Students as a board membe. We saved $150 by cutting watermelon by myself for 300 people lunch by negotiating with our cater. Jennifer told me that she ordered food from a cater grandma's memorial service used in email after talking to Uncle Terry, but I know clearly that was not the fact, as she didn't stay for the meal. I know that family members and relatives brought in all the food.

I was very sadden by the way she and her husband treated Jeff when he was in a coma with suicide attempt. Now the way she intended to scatter her mom's cremated remains. For the way she chose Christmas gifts from me, her way of dealing with Jeff's illness, using mother-in-law's resources to build her relationship. For long time we lived under the shadow of mother-in-law and her. Now that mother-in-law pass away, she was in charge (with her husband) of all the funeral arrangements, without taking my input into consideration, JUST wanted us to go along with her and share half of all the costs. Jeff as an Aspie didn't care about his mom at all. SAD SAD.

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