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Advice on How to Live with Husband With Aspergers Syndrome
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willowick posted:
I have been married 29 years to man with non diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome. I will describe it as 'DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS. My health is failing. I have always felt intensely lonely and as though I was married to myself. I have only recently discovered what was wrong with him. What bothers me the most is that he has a highly developed public persona that makes all my family think he is such a nice guy. When we travel 6 hours in the car together to visit friends he doesn't speak to me at all. I refer to it as 'The Cone of Silence', however, as soon as we arrive at our friends house, he becomes a real chatter box. Then back in the car and he turns it off again. It is very painful for me that my friends and family do not know how I suffer in silence. They would not believe me if I told them. His own family would be offended if I told them their brother was a highly functioning Autistic. They are in denial and I can see that some of them and their adult children are afflicted with the disorder also. We are facing retirement now and I am dealing with my grief with a counselor. I need good health insurance at this point because after 29 years of dealing with his emotional unavailability, raising our son almost singlehanded lay, keeping our home/family together, it has made an old woman out of me before my time. I feel resentful that I can't shout from the roof tops what I have been enduring for all these years. I will say that my 23 year old son does not have Aspergers, is very successful in graduate school and he and I have a good relationship. He has good social skills because I insisted on sending him to good private schools (very expensive) where he would receive a lot of normal healthy positive male role modeling; he also got that from church groups too. He is aware of his fathers situation and loves him and accepts and enjoys what few things they can share together like hiking. So, I am grateful that God gave me the great support group for my son. I am also grateful that my husbands income made our son's attendance at those schools possible. Finally, my own upbringing made me select a mate that was emotionally unavailable. I see that now. Today when I wake up I say to myself "This is the day that The Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Then I try to do just that. I also acknowledge that each day I wake up and decide to continue in this relationship, and that makes me feel less of a victim and more empowered.
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