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Advice on How to Live with Husband With Aspergers Syndrome
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willowick posted:
I have been married 29 years to man with non diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome. I will describe it as 'DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS. My health is failing. I have always felt intensely lonely and as though I was married to myself. I have only recently discovered what was wrong with him. What bothers me the most is that he has a highly developed public persona that makes all my family think he is such a nice guy. When we travel 6 hours in the car together to visit friends he doesn't speak to me at all. I refer to it as 'The Cone of Silence', however, as soon as we arrive at our friends house, he becomes a real chatter box. Then back in the car and he turns it off again. It is very painful for me that my friends and family do not know how I suffer in silence. They would not believe me if I told them. His own family would be offended if I told them their brother was a highly functioning Autistic. They are in denial and I can see that some of them and their adult children are afflicted with the disorder also. We are facing retirement now and I am dealing with my grief with a counselor. I need good health insurance at this point because after 29 years of dealing with his emotional unavailability, raising our son almost singlehanded lay, keeping our home/family together, it has made an old woman out of me before my time. I feel resentful that I can't shout from the roof tops what I have been enduring for all these years. I will say that my 23 year old son does not have Aspergers, is very successful in graduate school and he and I have a good relationship. He has good social skills because I insisted on sending him to good private schools (very expensive) where he would receive a lot of normal healthy positive male role modeling; he also got that from church groups too. He is aware of his fathers situation and loves him and accepts and enjoys what few things they can share together like hiking. So, I am grateful that God gave me the great support group for my son. I am also grateful that my husbands income made our son's attendance at those schools possible. Finally, my own upbringing made me select a mate that was emotionally unavailable. I see that now. Today when I wake up I say to myself "This is the day that The Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Then I try to do just that. I also acknowledge that each day I wake up and decide to continue in this relationship, and that makes me feel less of a victim and more empowered.
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An_258533 responded:
I totally agree with how you feel...I've been in solitude about 4 1/2 yrs with my husband. I'm Hispanic and it was the first time dating and finally marrying a Caucasian man; thinking that is their natural nature to be kinda cold or distant...not like the Latinos where they are usually more aggressive and dramatic, which I thought that was awesome. But I have never felt so alone like I feel now. I have a 15yr daughter not his with Asperger's syndrome and with time I started to notice the resemblance between them both. Amazed that they were identical in personalities and traits. They both love playing video games, and can be playing for hours; each individually have their little world...where I have no place in. I am a very goal oriented individual and he lacks perspective and will to do things. He is extremely intelligent and I know he can become the next Bill Gates; have to give it to him...he's a genius! But I am a business oriented person which can see his genius...but he just stay in his comfort zone...knowing that he can put his genius mind to work and better our lives financially because has what it takes to make it happen for himself...but has no will to succeed and better our quality of life. It's frustrating to see a genius next to me...and just stay stuck in the mud. I've adapted to his ways on how he handles our relationship and to the solitude and loneliness I've lived with through these years. I have to remind him of everything including taking showers or brushing his teeth. I feel like I'm his mom and now I'm not even attracted to him as a man, cuz I only see a immature kid and that's depressing. I've become more isolated than ever, I almost feel like I've become part of what he is and I'm tired. I really don't want to spend the rest of my years raising the son I've never had. Cannot complain he got us a house...which he doesn't keep up with...never helps me unless I open my mouth and venom starts coming out of me. I can't live like this anymore...I've become withdrawn like him and have no friends to fill up the gaps in my life...I know this relationship is on the verge of destruction and no matter how I talk, explain to him about what I feel is lime taking to the wall. I'm really done with this relationship cause I feel so alone and resentful towards him...that I don't wanna make it worst for us and the kids. I've fallen in the most hardcore depression and feel that if I keep on living this way I'm gonna end up in a psychiatric ward.
 
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wifeofaspie replied to An_258533's response:
I'm dealing with the same as you. I've been married since 1997 to my "4th son"..... the one I didn't give birth to. All I can say is that I have NOTHING, and my health is suffering. He brings nothing positive to the table and I am responsible for everyday living and making sure that things are taken care of. Most days he's a 6 year old, however, there are days that he can barely pass as a 2 year old. Body of a man, actions of a child. I won't go into every detail, but it is hell. My relationships with my adult children has suffered and become abusive from my 3 boys. After all, "HE" was their roll model! Because of my upbringing with a mother ("child"), I did not recognize the "warning" signs. There should be a law that forces people to wear a sign that says "I've got problems, Beware!"....... LOL (okay, maybe not, but if you've ever lived through this, you know EXACTLY what I mean).........


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