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    It feels so good to do nothing
    trs1960 posted:
    I know this isn't a long term solution, but I've been working myself to death. Pain, stress and fatigue have been ganging up on me and taking their toll. I slept until noon today and I'm proud of myself for doing it! I did wake up with fairly remarkable right sciatic pain. From my right buttocks down and around to the front of my right leg. Probably just slept on it wrong.

    As I've stated obliquely in other posts my health has been in decline and working and supporting my family has been a feat of will power alone. Thursday's doctor appointment revealed a gain of about 12 pounds and blood pressure around 200/110!

    My 17 year old daughter just left to go on a double date. We had a nice talk first and while us parents know you can never just not worry. I have a lot of faith in my young lady. She's a good person.

    My wife and our 15 year old daughter are in Las Vegas for a college showcase soccer tournament. They tied their first game and it sounds like my daughter played well

    I would have liked to have gone, but the physical demands would have been problematic making me not a good chaperone or husband. It saddens me to enjoy actively being a good couch potato rather than husband and father. I am an amateur photographer and when my health allows I quite enjoy photographing such events. A quick trip to will show you some of my work. I've given up on skis, motorcycles etc to be the photographer that captures such events.

    As some of you know I ( as many) have been in a rough patch financially and medically for the last few years, but the steepness of the climb has increases greatly of late.

    I think tomorrow I will start doing a few household chores to assure my wife doesn't return to a mess.

    For now my best friend is my IPad and tv remote.

    Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

    aprilrose9 responded:
    Hi Friend! -- So sorry to hear you have been going through so much. I wish I could help in some way.

    Why do I have the sneaking suspicion, your wife knows you are a good husband and your daughters adore their Dad.

    I am sending out prayers and good wishes, in the hope the chronic pain gets a bit better and somehow, someway the financial problems get better for your family.

    Take care and don't overdo the chores. Your wife will understand.
    Anon_7687 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    Thank you. I'm not going to go into personal details about relationships, but as you know dibilitating injuries take their toll on personal and financial abilities. We often hear about those that abuse the system and somehow get rich doing nothing. How many people are here that are abused by the system as they continue to work, work themselves to an early grave. It's in our own DNA continue on. Chin up. No complaints...

    My injury has damaged my financial status as Much as it has damaged my skeleton. I work hard enough to make almost enough money to pay the bills. Since my Injury, my raises have been small as I cannot prove the metrics required in my six sigma wold, yet gasoline has quadrupled and milk has tripled. My wife lost her job in the down economy with a double digit unemployment rate in the state of which we live .

    Bills grow as medical insurance pays less and each new drug or procedure adds its copay and my wife's diabetes continues to cause her, her own medical and financial nightmares. Like the boiling of the frog I've continued on. A day at a time until more than 12 years has passed since my injury now the bills are insurmountable, the pain is like the frog still swimming not knowing that he is cooking from the outside in. As I told my boss yesterday, it's easy to say I won't sacrafice more than x, but what happens when you have to pass x to know you've been there? It's way to late to say slow down when you're already falling off the cliff ahead in the road!

    So financially I don't think I can keep my head above water whether from a full pay check or a slightly smaller disability check ( insurance not SSDI) But as a person on full disability I can apply for grants to get my kids through college. I can file bankruptcy to get my life righted. I've never asked for a handout. I've worked full time since I was 15. Even worked as I put myself through school later on.

    My health is failing and I will die if I continue the way I am. It was Einstien that stated " doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity!" Aerastotle said that pain destroys the person who suffers it. My last two trips to my PM do show a blood pressure around 200/100 or more. Perhaps not working and getting my family back on their feet will allow my health to be well enough that I can moan and groan a little less, organize a few hundred thousand photos and improve my health. Maybe I'll be around to bounce a grandchild or two on my knee?

    I don't know what my wife thinks of me, I'm the man that married her. 40lbs slighter and 3.5 inches shorter now, that man was taken away and now she is non volunteer caregiver. She endures my moans and groans and my highs and lows. She says she doesn't love me anymore and I don't blame her, but I promised God I will always love and honor her and so I will despite the promise to God she's earned it. She's a wonderfully mother and took care of me when I was in e extremely critical need. It is my deepest desire that all those that I love will never understand the pain I'm in. That they never understand chronic pain!

    So for now I'm taking two weeks to let the water cool and see if this frog will sink or swim? If I still can't swim at two weeks ill ask for more off. I will do what's best for my girls and for their dad, the frog. Right ow the frog needs rest. I woke up today with a nasty sciatic pain down my right buttocks and leg.

    As for me I care about my girls and hope to teach them that no matter the odds you don'tt give up. There are people that need you so we don't have the right to take the easy way out. Life is hard and there is no easy way, but it is surrounded by beauty. The beauty that God gives us in many ways.

    aprilrose9 replied to Anon_7687's response:
    Hello Friend, I am so sorry to hear about all of your difficulties. I will keep you in my thoughts, and most importantly, in my prayers.
    You have been discussing your photography. Sounds exciting; is it a hobby? People often suggest I do something to make money, so I will not go there, since many money making ideas are not as physically feasible as others would imagine of the craft. I once had someone think it was a good idea for me to put up Christmas decorations for money. I was bedridden at the time and unable to put up my own decorations for years.
    Could you please try and write back today and let me know how I can help. If you are not offended by my Catholic approach, I can say an entire rosary for you every day for two weeks until you make your decision. Let me know. You mentioned God, so I hope it is o.k. to bring up the topic. There have been so many days of hardship; I have wondered how people who do not have something in their lives survive through the pain. Some days ; it is me, the pain and God.
    If you can, write back today and let me know what I can do.
    All my best, AprilRose9
    trs1960 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    I'm Catholic, not as good as I should be, but when I was in the hospital I awoke more than a few times to find my priest at my side. He is a great man. I have a brother in law that is also a Catholic priest. He recently traveled to the Vatican and got to meet the Pope.

    Photography is impossible ( almost ) to make money. In our digital world every smartphone has a decent camera built in. Studio and portrait photography is still needed, but it take a huge investment to struggle to make money. I have a problem handling my camera and zoom lens as the weight takes it toll on my back. I'm good for on game of soccer or basketball. That's what my daughter plays so I just follow her teams. Except for when they travel lately. She's in Vegas right now, but I couldn't go. I don't have the money and it would have been too much for my back..

    Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

    aprilrose9 replied to trs1960's response:
    Dear TRS 1960, Hope you were able to rest over the weekend. I hope your daughter came home with some great stories about her weekend.

    I mentioned the photography out of curiosity. I hope you understood where I was going with the questions. People have suggested, I open bake shop. Now, that sounds like a physically and financially easy proposition. I was curious to find out how involved you were with the medium. I, ever the looser, purchased a Nikon about 25 years ago, took a roll of blurry photographs and put the camera in the closet.

    I will check in every couple of days, to see how you are doing. Unless, you want to be left alone. I am trying to keep my head down a little, since someone is a bit angry with me.

    I am good for my promise and have dusted off my rosary. Hope it helps. You sound like a hardworking man and it is difficult to be at a professional crossroad.

    I am in the middle of a project and it is taking more time than I expected. It feels good to get something accomplished. I would explain more, but coul not tollerate the Grandma jokes.

    Take Care,
    trs1960 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    No one has the right to be angry at anybody hear. This is an opinion forum. Non of us is superior or thus subordinant to others. We are all entitled our opinions and it is the tenant of this forum that we share such that we may help others.

    It's amazing how simple things like sitting at a keyboard can be such a physical challenge when you are in bad health. It's mainly spine issues in here, but Ill health covers a broad spectrum.

    You can get an idea of my photography at At the end of the season I placed a lot of static pictures on the main page so its a bit sparse. I take pictures for the high school team, post and host the website and make all of the photos available to team players, parents and school staff.

    I've been playing with photography since I was 13...almost 40 years! The soccer site is action with telephoto. I do some landscape stuff too. I just don't have the strength, stamina and time to do much else these days.

    I don't know who is mad at you or why. Please don't let someone minimize your time here. You have much to offer with your empirical and academic background. Having a nurse on board is invaluable.

    It is my goal to become a grandpa when the time is right. I want my girls to get a degree and become independent thinkers before partnering for their lives.

    What greater glory than the paternal or maternal elder of the waning atomic family that once used to be the fabric of which our society was sewn.

    aprilrose9 replied to trs1960's response:
    Dear TRS 1960, You don't mention if you are feeling any better, but you gave me alot of info, so I hope that means your pain level is down a bit.

    Well someone is quite angry with me and I am sorry I took the time to try to help. Big waste of my energy. Kill the messenger when you do not like the info. Stupid me! I thought when someone requested to hear from others on this site, who had previous experience with womething and wanting feedback, they would be prepared to hear the good and the bad. I do think people should ask for what they really want, and in this case, someone wanted their hand held, and nothing more. Oh well, we are all different and I just happen to like making decisions based on the most information at hand. While I am sure, you and I will have differences of opinion, I appreciate your sticking up for me. Enough said, on the issue.

    Will look up your photographs. What a lovely thing to do for your girls, their teammates and the parents. While they love having them now, it will be more precious as the years pass to have the images of their talent on the field.

    I have to apologize again, for all the silly mistakes I make. My husband cannot believe you have the patience to read through my mess. He has shown me how to set up the area to write and paste, so I have an area to check my mistakes, but I use it so infrequently, I forget how to do all the steps.

    Your goals as parents, are wonderful ones and I am sure your daughters will be grateful as they make wise choices for themselves. Having an education and career is imperative, especially with all the inconceivable events which happen in our lives. Mine is nothing like I had wanted or expected for myself. Use me, as a cautionary example to your daughters; do not take these routes. Having wonderful, caring and devoted parents is a gift all children wish they had in their lives. I kind of raised myself and you can tell how that worked out for me.

    Going to look up your photographs. By the way, my book did not arrive and I had expected it last week. Unable to track the package, so will have to contact the seller. Looking forward to reading it.

    Take Care,
    trs1960 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    I understand what you're saying. I keep preaching the importance of mental health before physical help is possible. At least the two have to go hand and hand. One does not exist without the other. It's been proven in medical study that a patient expecting their caregiver to heal them is unlikely to have a successful outcome.

    I had a protracted discussion with a short time member here who swore that the codeine in cough syrups was not an opiad and it was a good way to get analgesic relief. I wasn't arguing the point, I was adamant that anyone needing serious analgesics needs to work with a doctor.

    I didn't like that he was telling people how to get around the system. While sometimes obtrusive the safeties do act in our own best interest. It's why doctors can't self prescribe!

    Back to your question, my physical pain level has been tolerable and I have taken advantage of the down time.

    I don't know the answers, I just have worked hard to define the questions. The road has been long and I have stumbled enough to know that only God knows where I will end up and how I will get there.

    Like you, I've sometimes found that people don't always want the truth. Sometimes I hide from its cold hard realities myself.

    God bless and your knowledge is much needed here so don't shy away because of an interpretation of an opinion. The written word can be beautiful, or plagued with the flaws raised when the literal translation is stripped of its persona; it's body language and unique inflections.

    Don't let others define who you are.

    aprilrose9 replied to trs1960's response:
    Dear TRS 1960, FINALLY finished the book you recommended over a month ago. I will probably give a longer review than you wish, but buck up because I, as ever, am full of opinions on this subject.

    1.A good overview for the lay person. When I was in school.(now stop with the Donna Reed style jokes), my then boyfriend was finishing medical school. We had studied together for years, so we talked about what clinical rotation we were on at the time and he often looked over my textbooks. He remarked at the detail nursing students studied vs. medical students and felt we learned just what they learned, but just a little less detail of study. With human anatomy lab, anatomy and physiology the overview for most of the book was a very basic review. It never hurts to review and glad I read everything page for page.

    2. I related mostly to the story of the woman loosing her arm to a passing car doing a side swipe to her vehicle, and the subsequent visit from her husband the first evening of her accident.

    3. I liked the last chapter the best and wish he was still alive and I could applaud him for his stance concerning the lack of money going in the direction of pain research.

    4. The number of back surgeries done in the USA is disconcerting. I would have to look this up and see how he arrived at the prcentages given in this section of the book. I took a few brief notes as I read, but they were only a few words, page numbers or paragraph references.

    5. It is too long to write this part, but I liked the first ENTIRE paragraph, last section of it, on page 163.

    6. Thank you for the recommendation and I would like to read some of his other books, containing more detailed information on the subject of pain.

    Hope all is well. Didn't check in yesterday, in the first place, you don't need a creepy stalker and in the second place, I was feeling the cold weather front in my area. Picture a larger version of Peyton Place, with long, cold, snowy winters. It is in the teens and at the "0"-feels like stage.

    Hope I checked the right area for the photographs. I looked at the Banquet 2012 slideshow of stills. Do hope I went to the area you wanted me to check out. They are AMAZING! To see the color, composition catching the action, the athletic nature of the sport amid the beautiful backdrop of the area, the dark and light catching the expressions on the faces and even the muscles in their strong legs. All of these lovely, strong athletic women must be so happy to have the photos to capture their hard work, relationships and remember later what they looked like in their teens. Trust me as you age, even if you were never vain or thought you were pretty, you wish you had a record of you with a low percentage of body fat. I used to run 5-6 miles a day, was a gymnast and foil fenced in college, only to have very few photos of me during that time. Thanks for sharing the photographs. Is the pretty young lady, with the stunning reddish hair, your daughter?

    Take care. Will check back in in a couple of days and see how you are feeling. When I don't see anything posted, I assume you are o.k.
    trs1960 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    I forgot to tell you, my daughter is #16 dirty blonde and the banquet is a great place as it is a best of selection.

    I'm so glad you read the book, I wanted someone with medical background to confirm or deny its merits. Having no medical background this was the first book that really helped me to understand that I wasn't alone in my suffering and that my body was reacting as any other body would.

    trs1960 replied to aprilrose9's response:
    Tying back to your post and to mine. For ten years I've been hearing that quantum changes detailing with chronic pain are right around the corner, yet I continue to be treated with 3,000 year old technology. What happened to DNA level treatment with the ability to turn pain off?

    To the girl with bipolar and ddd. Aren't we all a bit bipolar as good days become full of manic behavior as we find a way to beat the pain. Then there's weeks on end of depression and the inability to join the human race. I don't mean to demean BP as it has chemical issues that are far worse than the average person dealing with dibilitating pain, drugs that we need yet hate. Just because I would kill myself left with the pain alone and all my meds are given to me by a doctor, is someone living on a 120 mg of morphine/ day not a drugg addict?

    Why are we thousands of years delinquent treating pain? Sure, we can't cure aids and cancer, but their treatments are light years ahead of where they were just decades ago. Meanwhile the pharmaceuticals find ways to remarket forms of opium. A breakthrough in pain managment is extended release morphine! So to answer Aprilrose9 question about who's angry? I'm not angry, I'm just worn out. I don't know if how long I can do this? I love my doctors, but they don't help pay my bills. I need to be working twice as hard and all I want to do is take a few pills to hide the pain and lay down pretending I'm ok.
    trs1960 replied to trs1960's response:
    I've been working for 12 years with serious physcal limitations, and 27 for the company. I never had a choice, but to keep goin as I could not insure my family once I was dropped from my medical insurance and pushed on to SSDI Medicare. The family was stuck on COBRA. Things are getting better for people like my family as before I couldn't insure them on the private market for less than a few grand a month! Now it's looking like a few hundred. The difference in my pay would be a loss of about $5k/year, but almost all of this would be insurance payout and non taxable, some would be SSDI and taxable. Plus I think my wife would get spouse benefits. I could come out money ahead and not kill myself doing it...that option pays just under $500K:eeeeek: With such a low AGI on my 1040 my kids would likely get grant money or aide to go to college.
    I think I'll have a talk with my doc and take a few more weeks to make sure these numbers are solid
    trs1960 replied to trs1960's response:
    I went to my pain doc today BP is still up so he took me off work for a month. We had a lengthy talk and my last visit I had left him a copy of my favorite book on pain. He was so excited as he started reading it on the 45 minute flight to Las Vegas. Once settled in he went to pick it up again and realized he left it on the plane. The part he did read he really liked and is buying another copy. Now the problem is remembering what I wrote in the inside cover to repeat it. Not sure if I will go back to work or take disability? I need more time to see how things play out health wise. Doc still wants me to think about a pain pump and if I can't get the oral meds down while not working I likely will look into it to protect my kidneys and liver!

    Best of luck to you all


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