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triggers...not feeling so well
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skypper posted:
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ok well my whole mood just went down the toilet again...and i feel like what goes into a toilet, if ya get my meaning.
why must i feel this way? so stuck? so stupid? so completely alone?
sometimes like now, i just wish i'd hurry up and die already
so tired...so very tired....
all i had to do was go to the stupid bank today
and as i was standing there in line for what felt like an eternity
i just started getting so sad and started crying, right there in the middle of everybody
last night i had the strongest urges ever to just cut it all out, to make a deep, wide river of scarlet and watch as i drift into that abyss
i didn't do anything though, don't worry...

looking at my dad's death certificate yesterday afternoon, i noticed there's a check box for suicide and i don't want that to be the box to be checked on mine.
there's: natural, accidental, suicide, homicide, pending investigation and could not be determined boxed they can check off on there..my dad's says pending investigation, but sometimes i wish i never would have ordered that coroner's report...there are some things that we truly do not need to know, ya know?

And PLEASE don't tell me to go to the hospital because i am not gonna go, and don't ask me to call somebody either because i have no phone, all i have right now is internet...and besides i hate talking to people on the phone anyways...
besides i'm not gonna hurt myself and to look at me, i most likely appear fine, but i'm not fine, i'm broken and alone, slowly twisting and suffering in my own private little hell....lovely

anyhow, thanks for listening
If you are struggling, please talk to someone. There are good and kind people in this world. There is love to know and beauty to find. You matter beyond words. Please don't give up.TWLOHA
Reply
 
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Carl_1970 responded:
Hi skyyper,

Sorry to read about how you feel and some aspects of your life.

One thing I can say, is this forum is an excellent support network.

Take care.

Carl.
 
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annaaurora responded:
Skyp...take a breath, this wave will pass. You went to the bank, cudoos, I hardly ever do that. Scary stuff. I know it sounds stupid all, well, maybe not all. Skyp at least you were amongst strangers, that's the best. You are worthey, none of us want this. Literally we've been hang in there kitty all our lives. Phone really does suck, people might really know where we are at any given time, dissapoint, the guilty thang. I wish to not call you scarlotta. You are a beatiful person inside and out, I think, who knows on the cyb. You've been vocal these last days, south of the ocean I think. Re: dad, one always has to know why. Just prepare your self. In the mundane..what do you like to listen to, eat, T.V. watching. I picture you in NYC? Write me back. No dust in the wind for you. Take your meds, at least sum. Eat too....jack ass, funny for me, I love those words. Best-AH
Sorry guys, can not change my pictuer as of yet. I'm thinking this is a little marose!
 
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annaaurora replied to annaaurora's response:
Worst speller in world. I paint all day who needs words...Accckkkk! Dig your chilli.
Sorry guys, can not change my pictuer as of yet. I'm thinking this is a little marose!
 
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ddnos responded:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry you are in so much pain and I wish there were something I could do or say to help make you feel better, but I don't think there is. I do want you to know, however, that I have you in my heart and hope that someday you will be able to find within yourself what you need to be truly happy. You are worthy of love and belonging; you are worthy of being happy - the kind of happiness that is not dependant on circumstances, but the kind that get it from deep within.

Big hugs

Debbie
Make sure the facts are straight before you start drawing conclusions - Ahmed Seoudy
 
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skypper responded:
stupid crappy board gnome ate my reply....
just as well, i'm not gonna go into all that again...jst forget it, i give up on this for now, all that energy put into frmin sum semblence of a reply n i guess it truly is crap on michelle day
If you are struggling, please talk to someone. There are good and kind people in this world. There is love to know and beauty to find. You matter beyond words. Please don't give up.TWLOHA
 
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bptwin responded:
Skypper,

Just remember how much we all love you and look forward to your posts. And I'm glad that you have decided to reach out.

Many hugs and and prayers to you,

Sharon
 
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DizzyJgirl replied to skypper's response:
((((Michelle))) My thoughts and words echo what Debbie said (so very well). Exactly what I was thinking. What I wanted to add is the joy you bring to others. I know I don't reply very often lately but I read as much as I can here and your posts are always insightful and caring. Even if we are joking around about things and having fun, you bring so much to the board and the people that read it. <3 ya. xo
Live Life Loud
 
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slik_kitty responded:
((((michelle)))) so sorry you are so down. like the others, i wish there was something i could do to help. i can listen though, so vent away. i know how it feels to be so down to feel like death is the only way out. please fight it, cuz there are people who love you for who you are with no reservations. like us on the board. hugs
 
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skypper replied to skypper's response:
so i dragged sorry arse to the pharmacxy to give em my new ins info and my 60 dollar rx poofed into 3.30, which is wat is was suppose to be in the 1st place...didnt feel like hangin round there 2 wait for it though so need to go back tomoorrw...i have a headdache and i feel so sick from the stress of jst goin out that lil bit, ipicked up a chicken and bread for these people to eat, since food seems to be SOOO immportant tp them. see i cant understand what the big deal is all about if i have food i'm fine, if i don't im still fine but everyone else ty like wanna eat all the damn time
no good, i feel no good, am very tired now
If you are struggling, please talk to someone. There are good and kind people in this world. There is love to know and beauty to find. You matter beyond words. Please don't give up.TWLOHA
 
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ddnos replied to skypper's response:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sometimes life just sucks, but then when we're not looking, it gets better. It will get better for you, kiddo!

Debbie
Make sure the facts are straight before you start drawing conclusions - Ahmed Seoudy
 
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skypper replied to ddnos's response:
thanks debbie, i know you're right, because if i had no hope of never feeling better than this i'd go directly to the nearest bridge and jump right off...of course w/my luck i'd probably just end up making thins worse and survive the fall
...sigh....i wish i didn't feel this way...my chsest hurts now...i've been in an awful mood, don't wanna talk to anyone, be around anyone, want anyone looking at me or even breeathing in the same room as me...so sick of me....imagine how the people not inside me must be sick of me...been fightin back tears and screams all day mostly, did have a few that got through the barriers...now i jst wanna lock myself in the bathroom or something and stay there all night or maybe for a vcouple dayts
If you are struggling, please talk to someone. There are good and kind people in this world. There is love to know and beauty to find. You matter beyond words. Please don't give up.TWLOHA
 
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ddnos replied to skypper's response:
Michelle, we've all been saying we want you to feel better and are sorry you feel so crappy, and all of that is true...but then it just dawned on me like "duh!" to ask you...why do you think you are feeling so badly today? Did something trigger you feeling like this? Is there something specific that is going through your heart and mind that is contributing to you feeling like this? I ask because typically, we don't feel so awful without a reason. Yes, there are those times when we get depressed for no apparent reason, but even during those times, I think there is a reason - we just don't know what it is yet. Sometimes we don't want to look at what it is because it's too scary or too depressing. So, not that you have to share it here (unless you want to) but can you think of specific reason(s) as to why you are in this place today? Sometimes writing about it for your eyes only helps, sometimes talking with a tdoc or a friend about it helps...just getting it outside our head is good and often helps us to see things more clearly - Sometimes looking at why you are depressed points to specific action you can take so as to help lift the depression if only just a little.

So maybe you can do that if you haven't already - write about why you are hurting and maybe one step you can take to help yourself feel better based on what you come up with in your writing, huh? Again, you don't have to write about it here unless you want to - but i do encourage you to write about it on your own to see what comes up.

Hugs
Debbie
Make sure the facts are straight before you start drawing conclusions - Ahmed Seoudy
 
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skypper replied to ddnos's response:
really don't know, i woke up and already i was angry and feeling out of it, i've not been myself all day, grouchy, sad, weepy, depressed, listless, the list goes on...i've been laying down and think i'm just gonna stay in bed now and hopeing i'll fall lasleep...feel so drained, i will ry writing if i cant rest, good idea, or tomoorrw maybe if i do fall asleep, ttfn
~mc
If you are struggling, please talk to someone. There are good and kind people in this world. There is love to know and beauty to find. You matter beyond words. Please don't give up.TWLOHA


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