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    Triggers... While I'm at work...
    Indiaguerita posted:
    Here I sit...behind a computer, inside a cubicle, struggling to keep it together. I have taken back-to-back phone calls since I clocked-in.

    What am I thinking about? Money? (No.) Clocking out to go home? (No.) Seeing my kids and their smiling faces? (No.)

    None of those happy things. No...I'm thinking about my husband...who as I packing his suitcases.

    He "can't stand to be around me anymore" and I "haven't changed enough" for him.

    It's seven days before our eighth wedding anniversary. In seven days we will have been married eight miserable years.

    I've had enough. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand anything. I tried my best. I took my pills when I was supposed to...I went to therapy when I was supposed to....I exercised when I was supposed to...ate what I was supposed to...held down a job like I was supposed to...took care of my kids like I was supposed to.

    I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired.
    fuzzer29 responded:
    Oh, Laura, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I dont know what to say as I have never been in that kind of situation, but I just wanted to say that I was sorry, that you dont deserve this. You worked your butt off trying to do all the right things, and it blew up on you and that is not only wrong, but unfair too. HE seems quite impatient to me, but that is only my opinion. I hope others can offer better support to you though. This to me is heartbreaking.
    No matter how high the throne, there sits but an ass. -Voltaire
    IrwinsLady responded:
    aww sweetie im so sorry, thats not right.
    -Goodtimez my friendz goodtimez
    lovingmomwithbipolarson responded:
    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband leaving. You tried your best and that is all anyone can do. Maybe he will change his mind. I noticed that you posted eight miserable years. Were they all bad? Sometimes we say and do things we don't mean in the heat of the moment, perhaps he's just having a bad day. I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. I really hope things work out. I will be thinking of you.
    Indiaguerita replied to fuzzer29's response:
    He has been patient for the most part. About a year ago he told me that if I didn't "change" that he would leave.

    (I fully admit that I have not been a saint during our marriage...but I honestly did all the things that I was supposed to do after he asked me to change.)

    He gets impatient now when I show the slightest irritation or aggravation. I realize that being a total and complete B is not acceptable...but I guess I didn't think I would need to become completely unemotional..dead inside. (Believe me...that can be done...It's kind of how I'm feeling right now.)

    Thank you for posting your support. I really appreciate it. I've just been staring at my monitor in a trance all day. I've been fumbling my interviews horribly. I've had two people hang up on me. I don't even care.

    Indiaguerita replied to IrwinsLady's response:
    Thank you, Irwinslady.

    Indiaguerita replied to lovingmomwithbipolarson's response:
    Thank you, Lovingmom.

    Eight miserable years was definitely a heat of the moment thing. I would say for the majority we've been happy...but when we've been unhappy it's been really bad. (All my fault...truly...Being a person who has Bipolar and is undiagnosed and unmedicated can wreak havoc on a relationship.)

    I will be home at midnight. I suspect that he will be waiting for me to get there so that he can walk out the door. He was packing suitcases when I left.

    I have no idea where he's going since his family is across the country on the west coast.

    All I can think about is explaining to our kids that their dad left. Do I tell them he went on a trip? Ugh...I don't want to think about this anymore.

    Thank you for writing, Lovingmom. I appreciate everyone's support.

    lovingmomwithbipolarson replied to Indiaguerita's response:
    Has your husband read any books or educated himself on bipolar? I know that reading books and asking questions helps me understand what my son is going through. Most of the time I have the patience of a saint but once in a while I do lose my patience with him and I feel really bad afterward. My husband on the other hand has not read anything and doesn't understand. Men.

    Being married is hard work sometimes. Im sure there are times when my husband would like to leave and I know there are times I would have like to have left. We all have bumps in the road along the way. I hope it will all work out, after all your sweet and funny and great person.

    As for the kids, I'm no expert but I would wait to make sure this not a temporary thing before you tell them that he left. The trip idea sounds good for now.

    I'll be thinking of you. Lots and lots of hugs.
    Indiaguerita replied to lovingmomwithbipolarson's response:
    He's only read what I force-feed him. Mostly websites that explain the symptoms of Bipolar and the warning signs for mania. He always seems like he's listening intently but when the you-know-what hits the fan...he's very quick-tempered and seems to forget everything he's read...or been forced to read.

    He has been to my therapy sessions with me and he participated (willingly) and asked questions. He's very just seems like he's lost all patience with me.

    We've had our bumps in the road...nothing seemed too big to keep us from making up or working things out. But this will be the first time that he's talked about leaving.

    I asked him if he would go to therapy with me again and he said it "was too late" for that.

    Time seems like it's going so slowly today. I can't stand it. I wish it were 11 p.m. already so I get just go home and get it over with (the confrontation).

    It's going to be a late night tonight!

    Thank you, Lovingmom.

    IrwinsLady replied to Indiaguerita's response:
    LJ i wish you the best and hope that things can work out for the both of you.
    -Goodtimez my friendz goodtimez
    Indiaguerita replied to IrwinsLady's response:
    Thank you, IrwinsLady.

    How are things going for you? I saw you went on a date the other night.

    Indiaguerita replied to lovingmomwithbipolarson's response:
    PS. To add insult to injury...I smoked today. I haven't smoked since 03/14. I finally had a cigarette today.
    lovingmomwithbipolarson replied to Indiaguerita's response:
    He might change his mind by the time you get home. Again, maybe he's having a bad day. I hope it works out. Keep me posted.

    mattthecat replied to Indiaguerita's response:
    Laura : I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I had thought by the way you talked that your husband was understanding like me. I can not figure this one out you really seem to struggle with BP and no matter how bad it get you seem to never give up and make BP very livable. From what you have said on the site I know there is no way it could be easy to live with your bipolar but it seemed more than doable.The one rule I have always lived by is if my wife honestly works at controlling her illness I will never stop trying to work with her and never leave her side. So this does not make sense to me becuase it is easy to see know one has worked harder at controlling the BP symptoms than you. I hope he cools down and changes his mind because as hard as you have worked you deserve nothing less.

    Indiaguerita replied to mattthecat's response:
    Hey, Matt. I hoped you would weigh-in on this one.

    As I get more tired, my posts are having a lot more typos and grammar I apologize in advance for that.

    Before I was on medicine or going to therapy...I was not an easy person to live with. (Understatement of the year...possibly.) But...once I was diagnosed and I started my meds...I am able to see the difference in how I act and how I handle my emotions.

    Lately, I have been stressed about working so much OT at a seemingly dead-end job...and not seeing my kids a lot...and of course...MONEY. I do tend to lash out when I'm stressed.

    Manny says that I lash out at only him...(which probably seems true to him...but I know that's not the case) and that's fed up with it. He's says I've treated him badly for eight years and he's not willing to put up with it anymore.

    In a way...part of me understands. But the other part of me wants to cry and say: I thought we were in this through thick and thin? Sickness and in health????

    Anyways...thank you for posting, Matt. I feel like I've made huge strides in my behaviors and my emotions. I feel like I've got my "Bipolar" controlled and my Bipolar is no longer controlling me. (For the most part!) But, I guess I was mistaken....or my irritability got the best of me.

    Hopefully, when I get home he'll be asleep in our bed and I can curl up next to him. Hopefully, he is not sitting on the couch waiting (bags in hand) to head out. I guess I would deserve it after everything I have put us through. I thought I had redeemed myself...but I guess not.

    I'm confused. I don't like this feeling.


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