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Please HELP, my ex boyfriend is bipolar and narcissistic but I love him
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An_189022 posted:
My ex boyfriend has broken up with me about 4 or 5 times now. This time he made it seem permanent, he said horrible things to me, and said he wanted nothing to do with me. A few hours after the breakup he said " please dont hate me im just trying to do what is best for us"
He called me the very next day! Just wanting to chit chat, like as if he believed we were supposed to instantly transform into "buddies"
If at any time I get emotional, or bring "us" up, he gets very angry, cuts me off, and wont talk to me. But then if he hasnt heard from me in a day he'll call and say " so what, your not talking to me now?"
I always end up just trying to make the best out of what we have. I answer his numerous daily phone calls, even though it breaks my heart not to say or hear "i love you" when we get off the phone.
Hes wanted to hang out quite a few times now. Each time we do, I pay for everything, he treats me decent, and then when the night is over he kisses me which turns into sex.
He recently asked me to be on a bowling league with him, so I did. Because any chance i get to see him Im going to take, because i love him and miss him so badly. After bowling, when he took me home, instead of kissing me he just said " okay well i'll see ya later"
I am SOO confused because he keeps saying that he is worried he made a mistake by breaking up with me, and that im the only one who knows how to make him happy. But then he shows NO concern or thought of us getting back together. And thats all I want! I wouldnt make him angry with my emotions and emotional conversations if we together, because I wouldnt be so depressed and so lost like I am now.

I am scared to death that all the progress weve made, I just took it all away. After he dropped me off from bowling, all I did was cry my eyes out until I sent him a text that said " i dont know if I can do this anymore " All he said back was " fine then we wont"
He hasnt talked to me or answered me today, I feel like he never will. I wouldnt have been so upset and so quick to text him that message if it wasnt JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE when we hung out, and when he dropped me off he kissed me and that lead to sex.
Why one night do that, and then the next night just push me out the door with basically nothing but a half ass one handed hug?
This is confusing me beyond belief. I keep thinking because he is bipolar, this is why he does it. Or because he possesses such narcissistic behavior traits that is why he does it. But that deep down inside...he truly does care for me, love me, even need me.
I mean, even after breaking up with me and saying hes done for good, he keeps making attempts and making sure that I am still very much so a part of his life.
I feel like maybe he deserves someone to stick it out with him. And I want nothing more than to be that person for him.
I just cant make myself want to distance myself from him. Even though most people think i should, because he is so mean, controlling and taking advantage of me. But I love him, with all my heart and soul.

Why does he keep making sure Im in his life? When he says the nice/ meaningful things to me does he truly mean them? Is there ANYTHING I can do to make things work out with this man?
We had a beautiful relationship when it first started, the first 5 months id say. And then it just all fell apart. He blames everything on me, has told me that we will never work out because were not compatible, and he constantly reminds me of my faults, and the things that I should be doing.
But why does he keep telling me hes worried that he made a mistake breaking up with me??? Why does he keep saying hes scared to death to lose me forever?

I am sure I am leaving a lot out, but I am so hurt, and so depressed. I NEED answers. Is all this worth it? Does he love me? Is it really just his mental state that makes him act this way? Could things ever be the way they used to? Why did we break up and get back together so many times...but not this time?
=*(
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Dyanne48jj responded:
Let me preface this with... I am not trying to be hurtful, but I am being honest.
His is a user, a narcisist.
You are basing your feelings off of the PAST. You keep saying you love him. I think you love what you two used to have. Huge difference. When we love someone its hard to let go even though all the signs keep hitting us in the head to STOP the rollercoaster.

He is not respecting you, listening to you, spending time with you when you want it. You said yourself he no longer says he loves you. Sorry hon, but he doesnt.

IT IS NOOOTTTT YOU! It is him. He has moved on and uses you as a fall back to make himself feel good for a hot minute. YOU derserve better than that!
Its like the old saying 'i dont want you, but dont want anyone else to have you' He is controlling your life, mentally, emotionally and physically. That my dear, is not love nor even friendship.

I am saying this with the upmost sincerity and respect for your well being. He does not deserve you any longer. period. Oh, it will hurt, but you have to make a completely clean break.
That break will NOT hurt nearly as much as this is, and this will hurt even moreso if you continue to allow it to happen.

You cant control his thoughts and actions, but you can control how they effect you.

best of luck, hugz
I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 responded:
p.s Please to anyone and everyone that read this, I want you to know I truly appreciate all feedback. I am so sad over not being the happy girl I used to be. And it just feels that on a good day with him, when I think everything in the world will be okay, and I act myself again, its only a short amount of time before it all does a 180, and im back to being this non motivated, depressed, angry person. I hate it.
Also, I wanted to let a few people that helped me out last time know that this is me again. Seeing I post anonymously, i started thinking well maybe the ones who were such a great help before wont be motivated to read this or help...this time around.
I believe my first post was titled " help im new to the site "
Or something along those lines. The discussion was about the same guy this discussion is about.

So thank you so much everyone!
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
your words mean a lot. And I apprecaite them so much.

My mother and I keep having the same discussion over and over.
And you noted something that she often does...that he does not want me, hes moved on.

Has he really? Why does he keep spending so much time with me though? I understand the idea of " he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want anyone else to have me either"

But wouldnt someone who simply doesnt want you, NOT want you in their life as much as he has me in his?
He calls me when hes happy, he calls me when hes sad, he calls me to talk about everything.

What on earth did I do to make him not want me? I was the perfect girlfriend I swear, and id do anything for this guy. All aspects of his wants and needs were met. So why doesnt he want me? Its killing me inside.

Can I ever make him want to be with me again? I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have invested in so many " get your ex back " books. Will these tactics work on him?

We were so happy. You may be right, i love who he was and i love what we had and i cannot let it go. But i have read so much on how to get those things back and more. Am i able to do this?

If not, will he ever man up and just tell me he doesnt want me?
What is it that he doesnt want??????????
If I care about him so much, am willing to do anything for him, I support him, help him financially, and do anything and everything I can for him....along with the fact that he still likes to have sex with me.....THEN WHY CANT WE BE TOGETHER?
The only thing missing from the relationship we have now is the " i love you" part and the comittment.
I am not yelling, I am just so hurt, lost, confused. I cannot move on from this. Its like he put a spell on me. I have never EVER been so attatched and dependent on someone to be happy.
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
I also understand what you mean by him using me as a feel good method. But I cant handel it. I love him so much. If you say its not me, its him.....how? He didnt break up with me because of him, he broke up with me because of me.

But he wont let me go, and I CANNOT let go of him.
I am writing this crying, sobbing, even whaling out loud. Its literally killing my soul to know he doesnt want me and has moved on. WHY WHY WHY
 
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Dyanne48jj replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
Honey, you are answering your own questions. He is a narcistic controller, yes, he has you under his spell. You jump when he says jump and do for him what he wants.

Also you say why does he this and why does he that.

what about you?
Why do you want someone who makes you depressed? angry? sad? Someone who has CHANGED YOU? This has to be hurting your mom as well to see you going thru this.

Love is not being some man's dormat. He has problems with himself and how to treat others. That is not your fault, that is his. You should not bring yourself down to his level, he is going to completely change you and break your spirit if you allow this to continue.

I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
I dont want to be with someone who hurts me, makes me depressed angry or sad.
We were perfect. I want that back. What did I do wrong? Why wont he ever give me another chance?
I have never had fun with anyone the way I have fun with him. We used to do the smallest little things together that meant everything. He moved back from Florida to be with me. What did I do to screw all this up?
How can I change it? How can I make him see ive changed?
I proved to him the past few times weve hung out that Ill never be late again. And ive done such a good job controlling my emotions for him. Why am I not pleasing him? What or who does he want? What am I not giving him??????
 
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IrwinsLady replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
you didnt do anything wrong. its him and unfortunately you cant change someone like that. believe me ive tried and all it led to was physical, emotional and sexual abuse. i do not want that to happen to you. you seem like a very smart and sweet person. what i suggest is doing whats best for you. my opinion would be to leave him alone and let him work things out for himself. work on you for now because in the end you are the most important.
-Hi I am outta my mind right now so if you leave a message I will get back to you the minute I claim my sanity back. BEEEEEP!
 
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minkysmom1 replied to IrwinsLady's response:
Hi Taylor,

I remember those times for you. How bad they were. Look how far you've come.

Be proud of yourself.

Loves,

Minky
 
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IrwinsLady replied to minkysmom1's response:
Aw thanks Minky I appreciate that. Hugs honey. I just dont want to see that happen to this young woman.
-Hi I am outta my mind right now so if you leave a message I will get back to you the minute I claim my sanity back. BEEEEEP!
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to IrwinsLady's response:
I am SO frustrated right now. I just left you the longest reply with everything I needed to get out and my server wasnt connecting.
I dont know how I can possibly get myself to wrote all this again. I will try. I am thankful for your words, and I am so sorry you have been down this road.
I have never felt so loved, happy, and special than I did when he and I were together...for the most part anyway. He would flip out and have angry moments, but they were never geared towards me. And if he took things out on me I simply understood, and things would be just fine.
He often has told me " what you wont do someone else will" or " i can forget you and act like we never met with a heart beat" These things used to hurt so badly. But he would also say those things about others, and talk to me about it. Thats just who he is I guess. He is very stubborn and very cold hearted.
He also has told me, now after our final break up, that he cant forget about me. And that he feels like he doesnt want too. I have personally seen him cut ppl out of his life with the drop of a hat. So why not me? This makes me believe I still have a chance with him, that WE still have a chance, and I cannot let go of it.
I cannot do whats best for myself now-a-days. I just can't. I am overwhelmed and more focused on "us". Everyday all I hope and pray for is a good day, and that hell want me back.

Since our last breakup, which he said was for good. He continues to call me everyday. When he broke up with me, he told me all the things he did not like about me and that we were not compatible.
But why did he like those things about me in the beginning? Why was he in love with who I was for SO long, and then now change his mind?
I do not want to change him. I love him for who he is. When we fight, I understand. Now I am truly not trying to point out his faults, because i love the good, bad, and in between of him. But when we faught, he had to be right. We often faught about him thinking I was a liar and that he couldnt trust me. This broke me like you wouldnt believe.
I will be 110% honest, when we first met, I told a fib. I called him on the phone after my serious car accident, and told him that i was at my girlfriends for the weekend, and on the way home i wrecked. This is all true, except I left out the part where my girlfriend and I went to the bar one night. I shouldn't have, but I did because I didnt want to dis-please him in any way. Well eventually the truth came out. Us going to the bar had nothing to do with my accident the next day! I was even tested for my BAC. But he has held a grudge ever since. Saying he cannot trust me, and that he will never forget about it.
It kills me, I hate myself for what I did, but I have NEVER lied to him sense. We were together 7-8 months after my lie, and I never lied once more! I truly charished this guy. But he cannot forget about what I did.
April 20th, his bday, we were supposed to get together. I hadnt heard from him so I sent him a text that said " So do I get to be with you today Handsome?" He called, with tears in his voice, saying " once again, I have nobody for my birthday, because of who I am and my actions. I lost dad (died), I dont speak to mom, I treat grandma terrible (he lives with her) and I dont have you. I am scared of losing you forever." He also then proceeded " I know I may not show it, at all, and if I do I have an awefully weird way, but I love you so much."
He then told me he didnt want me around on his bday, he was just so upset and angry that he just wanted to go to his brother/best friends house and smoke (pot). He promised wed spend all day the next day together. That day came and went, i finally herd from him at 10pm. I took him to a place he loved, paid for everything, but he just didnt have a good time. He stared at his phone texting the whole time, and did nothing but tell me about his bday. He ended up going out, getting wasted with all our friends, and had the time of his life he
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
had the time of his life*

I also have witnessed him, first hand, cut people out of him life with NO PROBLEM! His own mother even. They go through months and years at a time without talking because if she makes him really mad or upset hes done with her. I have seen him do it to friends. But he WONT do it with me. WHY? Why can he do that with others, but not me? He keeps telling me he just cant do it.
This is making me think he truly does care!!!!!! He says such meaningful things, even now that were broke up. But hes not attempting to get back together at all.
He still does say mean things, like today, he said " all you girls are sneaky liars" and " I think I just gave everybody more credit then they deserve." Then he said " wait, i just had a life changing thought ill call you back" and he hasnt called.
He said all us girls are liars and such, because he found out from me that his brothers girlfriend has been lying and gossiping all this time. And yes, I did lie that ONE time, but hes grouping me in with " everyone" else. I am not like them. Id move mountains for him if I could. I would change anything he needed me too.

Why doesnt he want what we had as badly as I do? What does he want? I feel I am going insane, acting obsessive, but its killing me. I love him so dearly, and even though he has done such mean things, I forgive him. Thats what love is all about.

Does he really care about me? I mean, saying he cant cut me out of his life, and that Im the only one who he can go to, and that I am the only one who makes him happy. Does he care?
I feel his sincereity when he says those things. But why doesnt he want a relationship with me???? I would be that perfect girl he wants if he only gave me a chance.

I do not want to change him. I love him for who he is. No one else he has ever met has been this faithful and stood by his side the way I do. I want to do this for him until the end of time.
Why do I have all these fellings, but he doesnt? Did he just stop loving me?
My parents and friends keep trying to tell me, " he doesnt like you, he doesnt want to be with you, you need to just move on the way he did!"
Not only does that hurt worse then anything in the world, but is it true? Does he not love me, like me, or enjoy being with me? Why does he make sure to maintain such a close relationship with me then?
I feel this is worth fixing, worth all the heartache, worth it all. How can I fix it?
If he doesnt like me/want me anymore, why does he call me when hes happy? when hes sad? when he frustrated and angry? Why does he continue to hang out with me?

Theres books upon books out there on how to get a lost love back, can I get him back?
At one time I was the world to him...what did I do to make him change how he feels???????
Please help me, I love him and dont want to lose him forever.
Hes older, has had many relationships, and told me hes been looking for the right girl to settle down with. Hes at the age where he needs to. So why am I not that girl? I am nothing but a positive influence on him (opposed to his friends), I walk beside him, not infront, and I have many good qualities. What am I missing? Will I EVER be the woman he wants? How?
=*(
 
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Dyanne48jj replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
Sweetie, I dont know of much more I can say to you because you just do not want to see the light, so to speak. YYou are fulfilling his narcistic world, thats all. period.

You didnt lie, it was no big deal re you and your gf hitting a bar, it was his own conscience reacting that way because he has done that and worse and you just dont know it.

His bday, he dissed you on his bday and wanted to hang w weed and friends instead? wtf. he 'lied' to you too then cause he never told you he was going out! just as you never told him re the bar. What he did was excussable. Then to text while you were paying for dinner? Jenn he is using you over and over and you are just letting it happen.

Know the saying "a man who doesnt respect his Mother is unable to respect any woman" sounds true for him indeed AND he treats his grma badly while living off of her??? omigosh not only would i forget him I would run the hell away from a guy like that.

Here is a site you should look at and just move on!

http://lifestyle.sympatico.ca/Relationships/galleries/articles/get_over_a_breakup.htm?feedname=photo_gallery_lifestyle_getoverbreakup&pos=1&nolookup=true
I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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JenniNeedsInfo66 replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
But I cant. I do not want too =*(
I have been in a few serious relationships myself. But nothing like this. He means the world to me.
I know he has personal problems, problems with friends and family even. Which I know creates friction between us. Because he also tells me " how can we be happy together, make things work, while your such a family person and I am not?

He hates my father, because my father called him one time, I swear only once, and said " what the f*** are you doing to my daughter?"
This was like the second time he dumped me, but kept hanging around. It was killing me and my dad knew it. It still is.
So now he says, even if I were to want to be with you, your family and your closeness to your family wouldn't allow it., It just wont work.

I love him, so so so much. Like Ive said, its not just a phase or something i think i want...i know. I have dated a few guys, some flings and some lasting 2 and 3 years. But I have never pursued them the way I do him. He is different, he is my love, he is my everything.

=*(
 
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IrwinsLady replied to JenniNeedsInfo66's response:
then your heading down a road that leads to destruction and it wont be pretty. you can always love someone even if your not with them. we can tell you whats best for you until we are blue in the face. you came here for advice and thats what we are giving you and you wont take it. we gave our best for you, we told you what you need to do, but you choose your destiny. so choose right.
-Hi I am outta my mind right now so if you leave a message I will get back to you the minute I claim my sanity back. BEEEEEP!


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