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    Bipolar Hell
    ParanoidPhobeManic posted:
    Hello my name is Eric and I'm 23 years old and I need help, or at least some professional advice. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was a kid, but during my childhood and teens the bipolar did not play a big role in my life like it does now. When I was a kid in school I had fears. Very frightening fears I will tell you about them later in this letter but before that I would like to let you know that I strongly refuse to consume any anti-depressants whatsoever. Why, because I have a fear that prevents me from taking anti-depressants due to TV commercials that say " If you had a heart attack or a stroke from Paxil, or Abilify or Prozac you are entitled for a huge amount of money", no thank you I don't need your money nor the worries. I do not take any anti-depressants or anything. If I wont be able to cure myself without anti-depressants ok let it be I rather suffer all my life. Or living hell like I love to call it.

    Ever since I was a kid in school in Queens New York, I was laughed at because of my academic achievements. Failure in every aspect, due to unrealistic fears, one of my biggest fears back in 7th grade was, What if my mom would get hit by a car and die, or what if my mom would slip, and trip off the subway platform and get hit by a train, what if someone will push her over the platform and get her killed. That would drive me crazy leading me to fights in school because they would see tears in my eyes as I would picture these things happening to my mom AKA my goddess, my religion, I would get into fights , and to some people who asked me why are you crying, I would just say, You wouldn't understand.

    But since I'm all grown now I would like to focus on my current fears and phobias. Due to my problems I would drink alcohol, smoke marijuana to get away, I abused MDMA for a year and a half, then later I abused Cocaine heavily until one point I almost died, but it was not an over dose. After finishing my dose I began to have this radiating sensations through out my body shortness of breath, to make a long story short it was a panic attack, I called an ambulance went to Coney Island Hospital nurses were nice, they took my blood, EKG test checked my heart, and everything, everything was perfect, but the fear was planted in my mind until today. Let me describe another fear.

    Currently I met a wonderful girl who in the future I plan to merry. Everything is perfect between us. But, not with me , why because I start envisioning how wonderful my life will be with her and all the wonderful things we can do together gets me very exiting I get happy, but after 5 seconds I get this fear, Oh my god, but what if I will get cancer or a heart attack, or what if someone will kill me before I get married oh my god, I might not make it, I go insane I tell myself that hey Eric, don't even get exited what if you get a stroke by that time, and all the happiness drifts away slowly making me depressed and takes away my hopes, even though I know that these things will not happen, but "What If?" What then. I get lost, confused.

    Another fear. I'm becoming a stockbroker soon, I study for the series 7 exam and in 5 months im taking the test, and starting my new career as a stockbroker. Now, again I start picturing that what if I wont make it , what if during these 5 months ill die or get a heart attack, or a stroke, I do smoke cigarettes but not as much as before, and now I have a fear what if I get a heart attack or throat cancer even though I know that I'm still young, but what if, what if, and what if????..kill me. I start picturing myself as a successful stockbroker , I start picturing my new apartment, my big checks, my new car, my wedding, and then again, what if I wont make it, what if I die, heart attack, stroke, cancer.

    I have fear of sex. I'm afraid to have sex because I have a fear that what if a condom will break, even though people around me tell me that its almost impossible and that there is 1% chance of getting HIV, I still kill myself with fear that What if the condom breaks, or what if she has an open cut on her thigh and I have a cut on my thigh and are thighs are being rubbed against each others and HIV gets in my body, and I start picturing the what ifs and I go insane. I

    I have fears that something bad will happen to my family members and me, I have dramatic daily mood swings.

    I need advice please. How to cope with this problem. Or how can I know that all of my fears are false. How to convince myself and live a normal life?

    Thank you
    slik_kitty responded:
    first off, since you are bipolar you need to be on meds. the meds will help with those fears. secondly you should see a therapist to help you to deal with those fears. you are letting bipolar control your life, instead of you controlling it.
    BipolarDisorder2 replied to slik_kitty's response:
    I agree with slik_kitty. Medication is an absolute, no-questions MUST for those of us *blessed* with Bipolar. Also, in my opinion, a therapist is an absolute, no questions MUST; not only does a therapist help you manage the illness, your triggers,etc, but your daily issues with life as well. They are amazing sounding boards for anything and everything.
    Thirdly, you definitely need support- you can get it here, but you also need friends and family to help you; I don't have that at all, so the boards have become my second family....good luck and hope you are able to get some help.
    TDXSP08 responded:
    Well Paranoid i will tell you straight up of all the people i have ever met on these boards i am the only one that has had a bad drug lawsuit, i collected a large monetary apology and they walked away(no i will not name the med because if i do WebMD will delete this thread) like nothing happened. Not all drugs are bad some yes,others are your Friend and your ticket to long term survival with bipolar, and strangely enough your willing to do street drugs that can have worse side effects than prescribed ones, but yet the ones that are tried and true and tested for many years now you wont take,that is truly odd, and the suggestion that has been made by the other posters find yourself a therapist it will help,somebody you can be real with be yourself,someone you can trust as much as the family dog not to tell your secrets or worries and fears and those things that keep you up at night, it really helps sometimes to just unload that crap on somebody and i dont mean in a negative way or a displaced anger way just a little pity party with tour therapist once and awhile is actually good medicine, just dont do it all the time, i do it once a year when the the turkey is done but christmas is not here yet ,i have have outlived everyone in my family holidays are anniversarys and those are painfull, and my therapist knows that i have certain ways of coping with all that that keeps me out of the BH floor and has been working so far for 16 years so he's not gonna upset the apple cart now with all the success we have had.

    mommaange1 responded:
    In addition to bipolar meds it seems to me you need some anti anxiety medication. Something like klonopin, xanax or valium to help with the panic you are experiencing. Just a thought
    tryforever responded:
    A good friend use to say to me, what if, what if, what if...

    I know at the time these worries may seem like they belong in your train of thought, but they are only making you sicker. Worrying about many things at once can detour you from healing which comes from medication and therapy. I would recommend taking care of this issue before you focus on anything else.

    I have permanent scars on my face, neck and back from Lithium. That was the very first drug I tried and because of the side effect I had to get lazer surgery on my face(they burn layers of your face off) To make a long story short, yes meds can have nasty side effects, and yes we have doctors out there who can "push" medications, but we know when its happening we discontinue that medication and try another.

    No one said this was going to b e easy, in fact its the hardest,,,,, the ups and downs, the people who run away from us, to the doctors that abuse us, the friends who are not there for us.......the people that dont understand - how can they help, they know not what they do.........

    Not all of your fears are false, but you get to choose if they run your life. Is it worth them running your life? If not, then more drugs and therapy - sorry to be the bearer of the bad news...this thing is not impossible, get the help you need.

    shania09 responded:
    The fears u have are natural. Everybody thinks about them. It in your case these fears lead into paranoid thoughts and picturing the worst case scenario, then u feel the anxiety then the panic thoughts. I am just the same way, and this is what my tdoc told me. I have a little 2 yr old girl and the paranoid thoughts that go thru my mind make me want to lock her up and put bars on the windows! The city I live in has a higher homicide rate then Detroit so far this year! Last year the city had 78 homicides and we really are not that big of a city. So the constant fears of a drive by or a drug deal gone wrong, to worrying about my daughter running away from me while out playing and getting hit by a car or getting kidnapped while I am shopping somewhere cause I took my eyes off her for a second. When these thoughts enter my mind, I quickly try to banish them and quickly try to think of a good thought like a funny thing I heard or an action my daughter did that day or just anything. I can tell u this Eric, the "self medicating" just makes the paranoia worse, especially the pot. When I was smoking it, my mind filled with paranoid thoughts like the cops were goinna bust in at any minute and I would go to prison or my chest would hurt anbd I think I am having a heart attack. I quitr smoking when I got pregnant, and I am still cig free!! But I remember the thoughts of a possible heart attack or I feel like the side of body went numb so for sure it was a stroke. But like u, I found it was a panic attack. I always thought a panic attack only would occur if I came in contact with something that scared me or something. But I found it can and will occur without notice and soon I found it was controlling me. I finally broke down and told my tdoc and I thought she would commit me or just tell me I "had nothing toi worry about". But I ended up getting put on an anti-anxiety med called BuSpar and it has helped me out ALOT!!! And its not addictive like xanax and since I do have a addictive personality I didn';t want any more problems with another addicition. But I did end up getting just 14 pills for a month in conjuction with the BuSpar just for the real bad attacks so it kept me from any potiental problems. Other advice I can tell u if it makes u feel better, get a complete physical exam from top to bottom (if $ allows) So next time when u think of the worst case, u can tell yourself " I just had an exam and everything checked out great, doc cleared me and was in excellent health" or something in that nature. As for the g/f, ask her if she would get on birth control explaining that u do not think neither of u wants a baby this early cause accidents do happen even using a condom. I ma pretty sure she'd agree to it. But like the others have said, bipolar and panic disorder can't be contolled by "will" alonelk u have to get on meds. If u r worried abiout weight gain with some of them, excercise or do some research and see what drug doesn't have that side effect. BuSpar doesn't, lamitical also doesn't and there is more or just ask your doc. FYI...I'd go to a psychiatrist not a typical med doc. The psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders.
    Also, I am sorry this so long!! I just know exactly what u r going thru, I have been there done that and I am doing well so far now I got help and a good support system. AS for educating the g/f in understanding what bipolar is is gonna be a little rough to explain to some people but your g/f might be different. Just don't hide it from her, u have enough on your plate to deal with without lying to her. WebMed has real info on here, use it to educate her.

    Good Luck
    Just be yourself............Everyone else is already taken. The biggest mistake you can make is being afraid to make one...

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