Bipolar Disorder Community

Ok this is how it has been explained to me, with some personal adjustments of course. We have an over production of a biochemical in our brains ( I think serotonin, but don't quote me) or we lack certain "blockers" that stop our brains from absorbing too much of that chemical. This is the chemical that gives us happy feelings and energy. The part that gets hard for us (from my experience) is that it often allows us to process things at a faster rate, which allows us to contemplate more at one time, and in my opinion allows us to hold onto more info... but it keeps us from attaining stage 4 of the sleep cycle very often which is when the brain "copes" with cognition that we can't process fully during consciousness (everyone needs stage 4 sleep for this reason)... With that, we tend to remember things a lot cause our brain hasn't had time to file thing away in it's specific scheme.


I hope this makes sense ~ tessa

Wow Tessa! You explained it a little better than my t Mike did to me today during therapy. My brain is very analytical(sp) which means that I'm always thinking about somethings like Doxie said causes and other things usually get my attention. Thans for the info, I didn't know some of that and grateful for the knowledge.

Wolf

Mp, makes me feel good as that is what i'm studying to be (tdoc), I will get my associates at the end of this semester but I still have A LOT to learn. And even with the stuff I know it's still hard for me to understand some of the thought processes I have and some of the intricacies of this illness, but it makes me happy to share things with you all that may help some

[TRIGGER] Dear Tessa,

Well I've now been awake for more than 48 hours, thinking thinking at warp speed.-

I do believe that I have also heard that seratonin is involved somewhere. Since my project of trying to change my life in some areas, I don't believe there is anything we can do except try and change our behavior if we have any. I'm trying to stop getting into eye rolling and fidgeting when I want someone to talk faster.or just considering exactly how I'm going to murder hubby who is the WORST, WORST procrastinator in the Universe. If I need something I go and buy it, it took him 3 months of research to buy the coffee pot LOL

Allison

I feel ya girl! I average around 24 hrs of sleep a week, but I have just stopped trying to change it. Sleeping pills wake me up more so, I guess I just try to embrace it so to speak. My personal beliefs ( and some psychiatric professionals) are that this "illness" can and actually is productive to us when we become manic as long as we have the necessary tools and training to understand when it is occurring and when it is becoming over bearing for others ( excluding of course when/if we become dangerous or unmanageable depression). From personal experience I can accomplish so much more than people without bp if I'm on my meds, so I am allowed that extra second to process and organize before I just go with it.

I use to be very damning to others too like wth " I can do it, so you can to if you try" it really did take a lot of work for me to understand and remember to keep it in my head at all times that sometimes my illness is my advantage over others. It takes practice and as you have already said a lot of work, but just hearing that you are ready to start changing some unfavorable behaviors is amazing to me! It's a fantastic step to take.

One thing that helped me a lot, that may be you can take with you, is every time I would roll my eyes, I would promptly apologize (which is very hard for me to do, because I'm very intelligent and hardly ever wrong ) then eventually I got so frustrated with having to apologize so often that I kinda just quit doing it (to such an extreme amount anyway). My biggest problem is calling people out on their flaws, I'm like automatic to let people know when they are wrong, but the truth is my opinion does nothing but make others feel bad at that point cause 9 times outta 10 they already know they messed up and really just need my support.

You can do it!!!! We're here to support you every step of the way too! ~ Keep me informed on your personal transformation as I am excited to hear you are starting a betterment journey ~ Tessa

OMG, we are twins ! I absolutely agree with you. When I was living and working in NY no one could understand how much work I could do. Even more astounding was my ability to go 4 days with no sleep and no consequences,

When I was finally diagnosed my psychiatrist was ballistic over my insomnia and stress levels. We tried every single sleep med on the market with no results. We have discovered that I have an exceptional tolerance for drugs as well as chemistry that does not work like other people. I finally made a deal with my shrink that even though I am up all night and well into the next day, I will take a nap for a few hours, and I will sleep during the day for a few hours sometimes.

I have overcome an astounding array of non-acceptable behaviors. In another post I said that bullies seem to be the switch that will send me into homicidal mode. I have no idea why ? I saw a woman beating a puppy one time, I beat the living daylights out of her, another prize was a woman who kept a horse at my stables. Her 80 year old husband seemed to be in lala land. She was about 35 and HAD NO IDEA HOW TO RIDE OR HANDLE A HORSE. One day she punched the horse in the face and damaged his eye.. I grabbed her and threw her in the manure and wiped her face and hair with it..
I was totally fearless, my friend and I were leaving a restaurant on the upper east side of NY. We saw a bunch of bikes and Hell's Angels - One of them pulled my hair and given my job in a medical company I had a bunch of scalpels in my purse. I shredded the seat on his Harley and cut his neck when he leaned towards me.. The most incredible thing of all is that I never had any consequences for my behavior.

My IQ is 167, no conceit or bragging, just a fact and I used to verbally destroy people who bugged me. Or the princess in Publix who has eighty items in the 10 item lane. She po'd me so bad, I threw her cart out of the line and told her to move her butt. It was great, everyone started clapping..

I worked on my tool box every day, slowly replacing the unacceptable.

All these years later I still have issues with things like going out to dinner with hubby and two tables over mom and dad are getting hammered and their 3 year old kid is screeching and yelling, running all over the place. You have NO IDEA how hard it is to not say something. Or being in Perkins for breakfast and sitting behind me in a booth there is a huge ugly beast. She orders 4 deep fried dishes, horribly mean to the little girl who is the server, she's almost in tears. Then she sends her food back 4 times. This scenario required hubby to RUN and sit next to me in the booth or I was going to dump her food on her head. We both carry my meds with us, because I can snap in a second.

I am so grateful I found this community, it's wonderful.

In one of your posts you said you were studying to be a tdoc, what is that ?

Also, I tried to get an idea of what was happening on the relationship side but it made more sense to ask you what is going on with your significant ?

I'm trying to learn this forum but if I want to go back and read a post it's gone or make a favorite list. How do I do it ?

BIG HUGS
ALLISON

LMAO! We do sound so much alike. My Kids dad has saved many lives He has also been in fights standing next to me side by side fighting a bunch of men. Even he is amazed when he sees me fight, I can think my way through the entire situation.

With the IQ stuff I have never taken a test but I graduated HS gold cord and should finish my associates with an 3.8 GPA, Phi Theta Rho and I really do think the bp plays into that, for me anyway. But omg when you talk about verbally destroying people that is the best way I have ever heard it described as to what i do when I get po'd. In fact that is something me and the kids dad both agree on with the marriage coun., I can hurt him with words way worse than I ever could by cheating on him. But this is what I have been trying to work on the most. The way my brain processes things though it's probably going to be a lifetime battle lol

Tdoc means therapist on this board and pdoc means psychiatrist ( Sorry for that ).

There are two boxes under the window you type in when replying to a post. If you click on the bottom one it reads " Put this on my watchlist and alert me by email to new post" or you go to the very top and look at the first, actual discussion post you can click on the " Watch this discussion tab" next to the # of replies, it will send it your discussion list. Your discussion list is located on the left hand side of the board when you are in the community under " My Discussions".

The kids dad situation is a mess to say the least. In a nut shell, he has done some pretty awful things to me. Don't get me wrong I'm a train wreck to live with sometimes ( rarely, but you know ) but I couldn't forgive myself if I had done one of the many things he has done over the course of 7 years. But he has some pretty difficult things in his life that he has never dealt with that I think are just finally coming to a head. I'm just ready to be happy though as wll. We have 2, 3, and 4 yrs old tots and the 3 yr. old has autism~ spectrum disorder. I'm a very loyal person when I decide to have someone as part of my life and honestly with all the bad times he is just a wonderful guy at heart. And typically, he is a magnificent father.... This is how it starts then I go forever.... lol.... It's the thing I could never understand, my "relationship" with my kids dad after we had kids. So it's the thing I post on here the most about I guess. I have a pdoc with the goal of getting the meds working so I can leave the situation and tdoc that thinks we should stay together. It's a constant cycle of thoughts, memories, and analogies about the whole mess that drive me mad :E


HUGS!!! ~ Tessa

It's really interesting, I could read a entire magazine when I was 3 years old. My Dad had piles of magazines on the end of his desk and as you know, the smart ones are also the nosiest LOL. I was absolutely fascinated by psychology. It was my major in both high school and college. When I lived in NY, Mount Sinai Hospital was two blocks away and they had a huge list of courses that could be taken even if you were not in the med school.. As I look back, it really pains me that I did not pursue what I loved, forensics.

I di end up working in the medical profession but not the way I wanted to. My ABSOLUTE DEDICATION GOES TO BATTERED WOMEN, I'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

Another thing I do is pick up feelings and you do not sound happy. Remember, the two worst dangerous things for a bipolar is no sleep and stress. I could write a book over the stuff that has happened to me when I let my guard down even a tiny bit.

If this man is not making you happy, deep six him and find someone who will truly love you..

HUGE HUGS
ALLISON

My bestie in high school would always tell me " you should make a soap opera about your life, I would be hooked" and now a days she tells me " I'm serious, you need to write this story and share it with people"..... Sometimes I wonder if I really could.... Isn't it amazing how things come just when you have an inkling of a synapses of a thought that life can't have much more to throw at you? And man then when it rains, it pours.

How i am with people is weird I guess. I believe that my family is who I decide to be my family, and blood relation gives you no upper hand in my book. If I choose you as part of my family, then I have a very very vary hard time letting you go. Most of the time I think he is just as unhappy as I am so I have kicked out many times ( go figure) and we have separated after some of the more awful things he has done, but it always comes back to him "needing me". I tell him I will always be here for you and you will always be my family, but if we keep this mess up I'm gonna hate you in 2 yrs. ( and hate from me is not a good thing) I can't imagine hating the father of my children but it just gets to that point too often any more I guess.

You are reading me right, I'm not happy and have spent too much of my life not being happy. Now is suppose to be my time to just live. To go to all the appts. and come home and bitch to my hubby how stupid the kids dr. was, not constantly wonder if I belong in my own life.

But I have this love for this guy..... I would give up everything if I thought it would truly make him happy. He used to be beautiful with the things he said AND did, and now he keeps me around with the kind words (sometimes) and disgusts me with his actions.

I just want us both to be happy and I don't know how to make it happen.

Big Hugs ~ Tessa

OMG Tessa I am so sorry for the delay in responding to you. I was in the ER twice last week for either food poison or viral gastrointeritis.Whatever it was, I was sooooo sick I honestly thought I was going to die. and given the fact that due to the renal failure I only have 30% kidney function and ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GET DEHYDRATED.

Anyway, I wanted to comment on your issues with your guy. When I lived in NYC I truly believe that I dated a number of wackos in suits, who I have no doubt could be found in the serial killer section of Barnes and Noble. I was 20 when I went to NY and I knew absolutely nothing. However, I have learned a huge amount since then, I also have 3 degrees in Psychology , which is nice but does not mean that everything you say is a fact. Experience is the key !!!

I find some of your posts very upsetting with regard to this man. He is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, he is not respecting you and seems taking great joy in making you feel bad about your self . Yet he expects you to treat him like a king,

One of the great joys in my life is helping battered and abused women get their lives back on their OWN TERMS.. nO MORE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL ABUSE.. Loving someone is terrific but there is so much more in a great relationship that makes you feel good and happy.

I understand the confusion, reluctance and fear in leaving the thing you know no matter how bad.

Girl, listen to me and dump the jerk and look for someone who worships you.

I DID IT AND YOU CAN TOO.

BIG HUGS
ALLISON

Ive been through that big time when i was married top a man.

TRIGGER...
let me say this, he mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. i had to get out but i couldnt for 2 and a half years and it was horrible. i had to sneak out one night when he got mad at me for saying the word NO. i havent been back since and i made him pay for the divorce. though i had no children thankfully. honey you dont deserve that. you deserve the best in life like Doxie says. it took me 4 years to find someone who loves, worships and can understand me. yes we fight but what relationship doesnt have fights. it will do you a world of good to get away with your precious kids and start anew.

Oh wow Allison! I'm so sorry to hear this and I was worried bout you!!! Man I hope you're feeling tons better now. Thanks for taking time to get back to me after all you been through lately. There is so much I wanted to talk to you about but I think it might be easier if you read my latest discussion "Is there really hope in sight???"

I really do value your opinion and would appreciate it

Glad to have you back =D And tons of Big but Gentle Hugs

HUGS

I get so mad when I hear stuff like this. It disgusts me to hear you went through this. It's weird like something doesn't click in my head, when the abuse from him gets compared to abuse like this. Are these typical responses when your in an abusive relationship? It's like my head knows it's wrong but it tells me that it's not that wrong.... does that make sense?

I'm so happy you finally did it, and it really does give me inspiration and motivation that I can and will do it when it gets to that point, and also helps me see that is time is running out to make this right.

Thanks Tay Hugs and luv ~ Tessa

hi tess and allison,
response to the original post here, which i am just now seeing haha. (my sincere concerns and words re your personal situation tessa i will continue to put under the other post).

At 4 I could write/spell name addy etc and count to 1,000. All thru out my life the hard jobs were the ones that interested me. A good challenge I considered 'positive stress'. When I was 19 I worked 8 hrs in the am in a wharehouse and 9-11 hrs waiting tables 6 days a week. It goes on and on and I can honestly say that up until physical problems arose at age f'ing 40, I NEVER worked less than 50 hrs a week and it was no biggy to have 4 hrs of sleep, then 20 mins in the afternoon to feel 'refreshed'.

So i say this in a haha way, pls dont take it wrong, ENJOY it while you can ladies! 40 is as bad as everyone said and worse. the kicker, the brian is still doing 224mph w thoughts/ideas/wants/dreams but due to the body the brain has to just continue to play the CD over and over.

Allison, my motto always was if i went to bed and wasnt asleep in 20-30 mins, get up! the longer you lie there, or for me, the more my brain 'worked'. so instead i got up and did something productive and many times when i did make it back to bed i slept more soundly.