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Possible trigger--will to hold my ground unshakable
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Daveywavy posted:
As some of you now know, I have a BPII wife whose treatment is not very effective. I have stressed over her bizarre behaviors for nearly 20 years. I am suffering. Our children are suffering. My wife has never been hospitalized, but came close in 2008 (had to rescue her at work after she didn't sleep for several days & her boss called me, and had to take her to her therapist's office on emergency basis, as well as our GP for a medical opinion). She was probably fully manic at that point.

Now, my wife has told me it is a good time for separation. She wakes me up to argue with me over conflicts she basically orchestrates into tremendous, tumultuous, eternal, and ultimately unresolvable topics. She goes to sleep (when she decides five novels is enough for one night) mad, and wakes up mad, ready to fight. I have not succumbed to the chickification of men, as many men have, but I am not insensitive to others' problems, including my wife's. Having said that, I weep when my wife hammers me with her compulsive rage, sometimes uncontrollably. Recently, my little girl saw me crying, and made me a paper bracelet which read, "I love you, Dad." It was so touching, and kept me sane for a little while.

It would be easier for me to leave this marriage if it were just me and my wife. But my vows mean so much to me, morally, especially for my children. I want my wife's pdoc and tdoc to hit on something that works, but am losing hope. It seems my wife is trying to break my will, but I know it is most likely just the disease talking. But "just the disease" is considerably more than minor.

I know I upset a couple of you with a recent post about not liking BPers' bad behavior. I suspect no one has responded to my recent post about couples' counseling because some of you have decided I'm not worthy. I have tried very hard to hold on for so very long to a situation that, in the aggregate, has gotten worse over time. For those of you I upset and alleged I sounded like one of those people who doesn't "get it," I do understand mental illness, to the extent that a non-sufferer does. I have worked in the field essentially all my adult life, and have a sibling with catatonic schizophrenia. I am a Christian, and have a strong propensity toward Christian charity. Even though this forum is basically anonymous, I feel some comeraderie with the folks on this board, and want to continue. If I am indeed blacklisted because I spoke up about not liking bad behavior, so be it. Sometimes support groups are not nice places to be when bad things are revealed.

Again, my wife takes 200mg of Lamictal (Lamotrigine) daily, and Ativan (Lorazepam) PRN. My wife told me recently she plans on discontinuing her meds so I have no ammo to throw at her anymore. Ugh!

Help with anything you can, please.

Daveywavy
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pixe5 responded:
Hi Davey,

Yes there are some things that you've said which I find hard to stomach ( "chickification" for example) but I also understand that you are in a tough situation. As far as being "blacklisted" I think most of us do understand that our behavior when we are ill can be a problem. At least I understand it.

All I can say is that if your wife will not comply with her doctor and she wants a separation then maybe that is the way to go right now. It doesn't have to be forever but maybe you two need a break. It doesn't do anybody any good if you are at each other's throats all the time.

I wish I could be of more help to you.

Pixie
 
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Daveywavy replied to pixe5's response:
Thanks, Pixie. We can talk gender politics later. You've been a beacon. Thanks again. Strangely, we're watching Beauty & the Beast right now. Funny, eh?

Daveywavy
 
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mattthecat responded:
Daveywavy
Let me start by apologizing I keep missing or or responding to your posts to late. I may have some ideas that can help? But this not the forum for me to help you I would prefer some back and forth in more of a real time setting. Do you face book or use Yahoo messenger. If you are willing I am in very much the same situation that you are. Most of what you describe is very much what i have been going through I have been on and off again with my wife for 14 years and grew up in a bipolar family. Let me know if you want my help.

Matt
 
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Dyanne48jj responded:
Hi Davey,

I recall you 2 were going to counseling, but then I wasnt around for a while so maybe I missed the outcome.

As for as the board, good to hear from you. I will say though, what in the world does "I have not succumbed to the chickification of men, as many men have" even mean??? It IS obvious its gender slander, but why was it even said in order to share your story?
The fact of the matter is, like most long term illnesses imo, bipolar is more female friendly, hence this board is 95% female.

Now...all that aside, I can also relate to your christian morals regarding your marriage and applaud you for same. Its refreshing to hear of a man or woman thats commited to their vows. Honestly though, imo, maybe a seperation is just what you guys need for NOW. For her to actually 'see' what she has at home and when she doesnt have you around to 'beat up' on, then what?
You deffinately need time away from her! As do the children too probably. At this rate the entire environment can not be healthy for any of you.

I am NO doctor, so no one yell at me when I say this lol, but for a BPII this severe, doesnt that seem like very little medication??? or no?

I thought ativan was just a temp fixer, a downer so to speak. I personally dont take lacictal, but I am on an antidepressant AND a mood stabilzer.

I think everyone will agree that you do have a 'place' on the board. keep us informed and I am sure Matt can give you words of wisdom.
I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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mattthecat replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
Thanks Dyanne: I am surprised to see you up so late.
 
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Dyanne48jj replied to mattthecat's response:
hahaha, I dont ever make it to bed before 3am, sometimes 5. Here, its only 1am, so i guess midnight there? call it bp or insomnia, regardless thats just how it is for me.

Read the good news that J got meds, etc woot woot. Hope everything changes around for you guys asap. Hang in there
I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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mattthecat replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
Dyanne I have been building up capital with her for a while just in case I needed it and i spent it all just to get her in she still does not think there is a problem she is happy and just wants every one to leave her alone. Her P-doc got the idea and is concerned about her. So I think things will work out. Thanks for the concern your the best.

Matt
 
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bpcookie replied to Dyanne48jj's response:
Chickification means: radical feminism or something close to that. So the word is probably used by many male chauvinistic pigs. Can you say *oink*?

Just seeing that word ticks me off. What year is this anyways? Are we still living in the 1700's? Women need to be home taking care of the cooking, laundry and kids? Men have NO clue what we go through. Our hormones always out of whack, having monthly's is NO fun, child birth hurts like a motha, PMS, menopause, we are constantly having infections and that is only listing a few of what we go through. Then we have men who use words such as *chickification*. And they want to know why we get so pissy?

Ok, my rant is over.......for now.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
 
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Supa_Kay responded:
As for the "blacklisted" thing, I believe you have still been responded to. You however didn't respond to my last post. The one where I took the opportunity to defend myself of the things you were saying about me????

" get it" is not what was said "uneducated" is what was said. All your posts play so much into stigmas associated with bp that it is sometimes hard for me to see what you understand about bipolar disorder. It's also hard for me to understand what kind of support you want from people you constantly put down.

"non~supportive" was also said, which in my opinion sounds an awful lot like this post too... Like most of them I have read. You sound like a lot of non~supporters that we have encountered through our treatment, quite honestly it's hard to read some of your posts because of it.

If your wife wakes up mad at you and goes to sleep mad at you, then she probably is mad at you. That is part of marriage, figuring out what's going on with each other, not " waiting for the tdoc and/or pdoc to hit on something". Sorry that gives me chills to read that. Not just from a patient perspective but from a professional perspective. It's not up to the docs to fix it. It's your marriage, they are train to give you tools to fix it. Even with her meds, the docs can only go on the info you guys provide.

If we are speaking about my "bad things" being revealed, then there must be some mistake in your theory because I have not felt any negativity from this board about anything that I have shared ie. behaviors, thoughts, for feelings.....?

For me, it's not that your "blacklisted", just that I can't find a way to give you support so It would be most productive for me not to reply to your post, IDK perhaps that's how some others feel.

Good luck to You and Yours Sincerely, Tessa
To the power higher above... Please keep your arm around my shoulder, and your hand around my mouth, Amen!
 
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Dyanne48jj replied to mattthecat's response:
oh wow matt, that is bad~!
So sorry you had to go thru all that but youre a great trooper and I know J loves you dearly and even in this state knows down deep you are only doing whats best for her.
you guys always have my thoughts and prayers!
Dyanne
I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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mattthecat replied to bpcookie's response:
Cookie trying to be respectful as possible but not all women have the exact same problems. Men should be sympathetic to women and there problems but it should not be an all inclusive pass that let women do what ever they want do even if it is harm full to one or both parties in the relationship. In this case i do not think daveywavey is trying to be a male pig as much as he feels that with his religious beliefs he should be at least head of house hold being the last word on decisions that are made. His wife would not be his wife if she did not believe this to some degree also. I my self have the same religious beliefs and tried not to go over board on the male dominance thing but with my wife having the mania problems she has all of her counselors most women have pushed me to be the dominate one mostly because when worse comes to worse I can see when her behavior is becoming dangerous to us even when she cannot. I am almost never oppressive with my leader ship I put her needs first most times but look out for my self to so I can be on top of it when she needs me to be. I think that is what daveywavey is trying to do also even if his version of slang does not meet the definition of others on this board.

Matt
 
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Dyanne48jj replied to Supa_Kay's response:
DANG! I hate being away from the board just cause I miss everyone, but sounds like this time I sure did miss alot. yikes. I dont know what happened, but .. wow.

I personally detest being 'clumped in' with any group, period.

I am not attacking dave or anyone when i say in the re-read of that word you used and in its context i think you meant you havent been made into a girly-man??? for example, which i still do not get, going w your spouse to a chick flick. who the hell came up w chick flick? Personally 99% of those movies I will never ever go to or watch on tv. Heck i know cookie wouldnt lmao the horror queen. hey give me a shootem up, car chase any day. I do know of one couple who only go to see 'chick flicks' but he is into it as much as her. yuk.

I personally have hereditary mixed bipolar and man what a life i have lead. BUT i have never awoken and done the things your wife has. never ever. I have though heard of bipolar people who have done that, actually there was a lady on here for a while who had a husband, a man, who not only acted as you described but also disappeared for days at a time.

so see, not all bipolars are just alike as not all men or all women are just alike.

Dave as far as your family is concerned I still stand by my advice/post from earlier, a seperation, if only temporary does sound justifiable indeed!!. Also, like i said, the amount of medication sounds very minute?!?!?!?




I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
 
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pixe5 replied to mattthecat's response:
I think we all need to be respectful of each other which means no derogative "slang" And not all of us agree that the man should be in charge. While I have tried to be understanding about your (Davey) situation I do agree with others that some of what you have to say is offensive.

There are, of course, two sides of the issue when it comes to dealing with someone who is bipolar as I am learning. Even if my moods get to the point that I feel like screaming at everybody (particularly my family, lol) I have to learn to control my reactions rather than let them control me. It's hard work but I am getting better at it and even making progress at resolving issues with my sister.

Just my two cents worth

Pixie
 
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bpcookie replied to mattthecat's response:
I never said, nor did I mean that women should be allowed to do what ever they want. I also never said that ALL women go through these things. Im just saying that we do go through a lot of things that men do not. Men do not go through monthly's, they do not have PMS, they do not give birth, they do not go through menopause. Have you ever went through any of these things? Of course not. But I am glad that you are sympathetic.

My husband is also sympathetic. He has seen me go through PMS, hormone problems, YI, BI and many other things that women suffer from.

I would be more supportive if the word *chickification* was not used. I was raised in a home where the women did the chores and cooked, while my father and three step sons would go ATC and dirt bike riding. I have spent my adult life trying to prove that I can do just about anything a man can do, and I can do it better, sometimes, depending on what it is.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.


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