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    bipolar and lieing/bipolar and sex
    Anon_228565 posted:
    hello im new to all of this and still have many questions about it 2 of my biggest qusetions involve lieing and sex. first off ive just recently been diagnosed with the disorder and 2 of my major problems at this point are seems like every other word out of my mouth is a lie and the other 1 is constantly trying to gain the attention of other women...this has caused me alot of problems and i need some advice can anybody help me????
    Wooster2 responded:
  • **** TRIGGER POST *****
    Hi, Anon.

    Hmmm. Lying is a problem most of us have to deal with, whether it is our own or someone else's. Have you tried to catch yourself before you tell a lie? Maybe if you resolve to stop lying and tell yourself, "Before I say anything, I will ask myself, 'Is this the truth as far as it is necessary to tell it?'" You don't of course have to tell the truth all the time. If one of your friends asks you what you think of her poetry, and it is terrible, you of course aren't required to tell her how bad you think it is. You don't have to lie and praise it to the skies either. (Immanuel Kant, on the other hand, argued that we are obligated to tell the truth all the time no matter what might happen. I subscribe to a more commonsensical approach.)

    I have not had much of a problem with my telling lies, by which I mean I have not found myself telling many lies. I lied to a classmate in the last year about why I was late getting somewhere to meet him, but I eventually apologized. Maybe it was only because I thought he knew the truth, but I still apologized. I wonder if I did the right thing.

    Are you really telling lies as often as you say you are? Are you being overly critical of yourself? Nobody likes being lied to -- the late philosopher F. W. Nietzsche said that our love of truth comes from fear of harm, and lies do do harm -- and it is usually wrong, most people would say, to tell lies very often. Try to lie as little as you can. Try to stop lying altogether. If you have secrets you don't want to have to tell people about, and these are not things that are currently hurting yourself or others, such as alcohol or drug abuse, domestic violence, self-harming, then don't tell about the secret things. If someone asks you about a secret that isn't hurting anybody (including yourself) and you don't want to tell them, don't tell them or deny it. "Do you pick your nose and eat your boogers?" someone might ask you. If you do, and you don't want to tell them, don't. There is a limit to what people are entitled to know about you. But you probably know this stuff already.

    About sex. I don't have any surefire advice for you. But I'll say some things anyway. If you are a heterosexual woman, then I don't understand your question about sex. If you are in a closed relationship and feel it would be cheating to attract the romantic attentions of another woman, then don't do it. At least don't let things get far beyond things like eyelash batting. There is probably a slippery slope that goes from a wink to a roll in the hay.

    Most people, male and female, can't stand having a partner "cheat" on them. Can't stand it. Some people die over such things. Think about how it would make your partner feel if you did deliberately attract the attentions of other women while in the relationship.

    I am newly married and so will have to deal with temptations myself, I am sure. But I am sure I already have the only woman I want. Ask yourself how you would like your partner to act. Philosopher Immanuel Kant came up with a famous "categorical imperative, "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law." Schoolteachers used to ask things like, "What if everybody acted that way?" when a student did something against the rules. Kant is saying we should act so that it would be OK if everybody acted the way we do. I suppose you could narrow this down to two people, so you'd say, "Act as you would like the other person to act." This sums up nicely both the Golden and Silver rules (attributed to Jesus and Buddha I think), "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you," and "Do not do to others what you would not like them to do to you."

    I invite you to join the forums!

    bpcookie responded:
    Hello Anon, do some research on Bipolar, the more you learn the more you will understand.

    You could see a tdoc about the lieing, perhaps a tdoc could help.

    You werent specific about the sex. Are you having too much or are you having difficulties trying to have sex, not wanting sex............? Could you please explain.
    If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
    Dyanne48jj replied to bpcookie's response:
    Wow wolf, you go honey! great post.

    I too though am like Cookie. I dont really see enough info to go on. are you male/female? married/single? are you lying about big things or little things? Have you experienced a life of where you have had to lie to protect others and hence now that is the only way you think you can communicate?

    My dh had a horrid childhood and had to continuously lie to protect the family ie why did you miss school/why is your mum's eye black/where is your dad.
    Then the mother of his children was an alcohalic. So in order to protect her and especially to protect his kids, he used lies to cover-up for her.

    When we met I noticed that he told fibs, more so than lies. No, not to me and not even on big issues. When I pointed it out and we discussed it, he did NOT even realize he was doing it! He had gotten in to the HABIT of saying what he thought others wanted to hear, which of course many times, is a lie.
    I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
    whatsallthisnow replied to bpcookie's response:
    im male i was in a comitted happy relationship...but for some reason i was always seeking other women not so much even
    for sex as it was just the thought of it...i never actually went thru with the act but i still took it far enuff to do serious damage to the relationship i was in that there was absolutely nothing worng with the woman i was with was very very good to me i could talk to her about anything and still i was always more into talking to other women
    Dyanne48jj replied to whatsallthisnow's response:
    Hi What, glad to see you came back.

    Well you said you were recently diagnosed so they may not have you 'balanced' or you meds adjusted just right for you yet. It does take time! all of us can attest to that.

    It sounds like maybe a manic episode. what exactly were you dx'ed with? once the pills kick in you may see this stop happening. so sorry to hear about your relationship, bipolar manic episodes can effect alot around us including the people we care about and how we treat them.
    I KNOW I am crazy....THAT is what keeps me from going INSANE!!! Oceans and Stars- Dyanne
    bpcookie replied to whatsallthisnow's response:
    Its very brave of you to blame yourself. Many ppl, including myself, find it easier to blame others. Ive done it in the past and now I try to look to myself first.

    Its sounds like you may lack self confidence and you seek out women to help you feel better about yourself. Did you have a bad childhood or teen age years that may make you feel less confident? I myself lack self confidence but I know why I feel this way. My step mother was very cruel to me and would call me ugly. She did this for years. I was never popular in school either. So when I hit the age of 20, I really didnt feel good about myself at all. I thought everyone looked at me just as my step mother did. I thought the world saw me as an ugly person.

    So think back and find the reason why you lack self confidence. Thats the first step. Then find a GOOD tdoc. If your not happy with the first one you see, keep searching. Also be sure that your meds are keeping you stable, if your having manic episode, that may be one of your problems.

    Lack of self confidence and mania together can cause some big time probs. Trust me, I know. Years ago I needed the attention of men to make myself feel more confident. The more men who gave me attention the better about myself I felt. When I got manic, that caused some very very bad problems. Getting a mans attention for me wasnt enough anymore, I felt like I had to be with them, meeting them in secret. Like you, I wasnt having sex with these guys but it was still cheating. Does this sound at all familiar with what your going through?

    So try to find the cause for your lack of self confidence, find a tdoc, and make sure your meds are keeping you stable.
    If people think Bipolars are crazy, then show them we really are. Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away!!
    jamireles1 responded:
  • *****Trigger Post******
    I had this same issue. Actually, I divorced because I was having an affair with my current wife....long story, but lets just say my manic hypersexuality was being met and I couldn't stop. But I am now deeply in love with my wife and she means the world to me. I often catch eyes wandering and thinking about the what-ifs. I also, often still deal with the hypersexuality during a manic stage, which I currently am struggling with at the moment but I go back to what I've learned in therapy.

    I had two great therapist help me with these issues and the best way for me to overcome these things are to "give my self 10 seconds to think before I react". Our primal instincts occur much faster in our brain than our rational thinking does. Also, try to think about how others are affected by the lying and sex. I often caught myself feeling so guilty and that would make me depressed, the sex kept me manic. All these feelings in a matter of days made my episodes progressively worse in the long run. You've done the right thing by reaching out for help.

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