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Need to Runaway
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littlerunaway posted:
Where to begin,
Long Story but all I can say is I feel the need to runaway from family. I'm Bipolar, explosive, irritable, agitated, restless, depressed etc. and all in all TOXIC to those around me. Meds take to long to work and I just dont have the patience, or they are too strong and make me sick, so I tend to refuse therapy. Husband wants me to check into hospital. I feel its useless. So I ranaway while kids are at grandparents. I feel they are better off but husband says they need their mom. Really??? Better seeing me in hell? or better when mom is out of sight out of mind. I want ro run so far and create a new life. I know in my head that's not possible but I still run. Not sure what to do. So with not knowing what to do I felt the need to stock pile all sleeping pills (Just in Case). Not saying I'm suicidal but I'm scared and just dont know what to do, I'm a planner so I also felt need to hide pills in a bag, where they will not be detected just in case my husband follows through with having me involuntarily commited. So far I've been really good at manipulating system and hes unable to legally have this happen. But just in case I've got the plan. Dont want to use the pills, so I left ran away hoping when I get the energy to create new life. And as for the kids. Their dad is Amazing and I know they are well taken care of. Better if I'm not there.l

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Should I go to inpatient? Episode lasting now 2 mths. Lost 35lbs. Havent slept more than 4hrs in 3 wks. I hate to loose my freedom in the hospital, hate rooming with someone, hate meds, HATE THE IDEA. I hate talking to people and telling them who I really am.
  • any comments MAY? help
  • what is inpatient like? was it helpful?
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WolfFaerie responded:
Hi Littlerunaway! Welcome to the board and glad that you found us. Allow me to give you some insight about going inpatient and personal experience with meds as well. I've been inpatient twice in my life though the last visit to inpatient happened a year ago. I was hospitalized with suicidal/homicidal thoughts/ideations with a plan for both of them. I was paranoid, sleeping most of the day away, severely depressed, irratable, irrational, and seeing/hearing things on top of all this. My thoughts were also racy to the point where I could not get any rest or peace of mind. I had been in denial for years about seeing/hearing things which I finally came clean about inpatient. My first trip inpatient I did not admit seeing/hearing things cuz I was too afraid at that time and did not have any meds at all. My Second trip inpatient is a completely different story: I did come home with meds that help keep my psychotic features at bay. Though my meds have been changed/dosages increased my life works better with the meds than it did without them.

Now to the topic of your hubby and children: Please note this is my opinion on the matter okay? Running away will not solve any of your problems such as no sleeping, weight loss, or any of your feelings/thoughts. Your husband loves you very much to be concerned about your well being. I wish that is something my own hubby would do for me and my bp; you're a very lucky woman. Your children want their mother not just their dad but you. Children will bounce back like children always do when things are difficult in their lives. I went inpatient April 2010 without my twin daughter's knowing that I was gone but I know if they would have been home I would not have gone inpatient at all. So that is my blessing!

I urge you to reconsider your actions and go inpatient voluntarily so to give your family peace of mind. You say that you're a planner then plan for your future that is healthier and more stable for your family. I wish you luck and take care of yourself in the meantime. Call your hubby to let him know that you're okay too!

Wolf
 
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lipstickwarrior2 replied to WolfFaerie's response:
  • **Trigger***
    Hi, I'm just getting on this Message Board, I hope you've gotten help since you posted. I'm concerned about the "no sleep" and weight loss, this is a very dangerous road to travel when Bi-Polar. If have'nt you gotten any help please do so A.S.A.P. I thought the same thing about being in the hospital, sometimes you have to surrender to it and get the help you need and the hospital may be just what the doctor ordered. You will be amongst others like you, in this atmosphere this is the best therapy. You will be examined and get on the proper medication. In April I reached my breaking point, many negativities in my life, everything was upside down, I attempted suicide and wa hospitalized for a week, I hated it a first but realized if I didn't go there, I would have never found out I was on the wrong meds for years, please take care yourself
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    melly2210 responded:
  • TRIGGER*

    I've been inpatient 4 times in the last 3 years. First one having ideations and a plan and I self-commited. Second was involuntary because I was acting on the ideation. Third was involuntary because I showed up at my pdocs in a severe manic state. I hadn't slept in 9 days save maybe 2 hours and I could barely verbalize what was wrong. It was overnight. They drugged me enough to break the cycle and I was put on medication that helped and sent home. The last one was July 3 and I was voluntary for 9 days. I may need to go back if the mixed and rapid cycling doesn't level out.

    Here's what I've learned about inpatient. Yeah, all the things you listed do suck. Immensely. But at the same time, it has ALWAYS, no matter what state I was in, given me an opportunity to look around and see people who made my life look like a cakewalk. It changes your perspective. It also has given me the chance to just relax. I know I am being watched and that I don't have to present as anything except what I am really feeling. That in itself is a relief. When I was manic, they were able to drug me enough that I could sleep finally, and I didn't have to be concerned that I had overdone the meds. All in all, while I too HATE crisis centers, sometimes it's the best place for us to be.

    I have 2 children ages 10 and 14. I have verbally contracted with them 2 things. One, I am not running away and two, I will never allow myself to get so bad that I am acting on thoughts again. These promises are constant reminders that I need to take care of me even when I don't want to. I'm breaking a personal rule here for you. But my actual attempt did cost me my children. I thought they'd be better off without me. Ultimately, my oldest whom I was closest to developed major depression and an anxiety disorder AND had his own involuntary stay as a result for ideations. Your kids DO NEED YOU.

    Stop running and get help. You'll never be able to escape yourself and that's what you're trying to do.
    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
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    Supa_Kay replied to melly2210's response:
    I too have always been a runner. Not to run from things I don't want per se, it has always just been a back up plan. I know I can disappear if I want/need to and it's kind of always in the back of my mind. When I become manic and irritable is when it usually comes up now a days. It's takin me about 13 yrs. to learn how to control the urge and I still have to go on very long walks to accommodate the urge sometimes when home life gets unbearable. So, I completely understand where you are coming from, in fact my last post was in relation to running from this p.o.s. b.s story of a life too.

    With the hospital stuff, it really does help in my opinion. They are not there to give intensive counseling or to force you to do anything you don't want to do. Part of getting out faster is to participate in group, but they don't force you to (they push hard) but it's not very intimate type of therapy, just sharing as much as your comfortable with, usually rating feelings and making daily goals is the biggest part of group. The psych. ward here even lets you order every meal your going to eat. All that said, the ward is not typically meant to "fix" our episode but rather to stabilize the mentally ill. I have been in for suicide and homicidal behavior, and my stay leveled me out usually by day 3... And from 1 runner to another, it gives me some relief from the urge to run. It takes me out of what I'm use to, the same as running away does. Gets me out of the environment that is fueling my urges and it's a safe and productive way to do it. Rooming with someone sucks, but honestly those are the ones I typically relate to the most. I think, here locally anyway, they room you with people in similar situation or dx's. You might run into someone, in the same boat you find yourself in, which in it's self can be therapeutic.

    In my opinion, you sound very smart and like you are having some problems controlling dangerous impulses you are having. It doesn't sound to me like you want to leave your family, just that you want your pain and thoughts to stop now. A hospital may very well give you that. You sound as though you care about your family immensely and they you. So, if a couple days in a hospital is going to bring you out of this rut, then it really isn't that much to give, you know? If a week in the ward will save hurt your family or you will have for the rest of your lives if you just leave,I feel the ward is not too much to try in your situation. Give it a go....

    BIG HUGS to You and I hope it all works out!!!
    Best Wishes and Prayers for you and yours ~ Tessa
    To the power higher above... Please keep your arm around my shoulder, and your hand around my mouth, Amen!
     
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    littlerunaway responded:
    OK, since I last posted, I have realized my condition is much worse than I thought. I'm so scared because I'm constantly feeling as if I'm being followed. I'm jumpy because I feel so called demons (which I see in the form of shadows/lights) are out to ruin me. I have now become so paranoid that the one person (my husband) I somewhat trusted is out to get me, and take the kids. Example, try to follow, thoughts are so fast and I'm a slow typer and terrible speller (would never guess, I graduated Suma Cum Laude) Any way, I have screamed, cried, and even ran away with a gun, and my husband didnt realize there was a problem. I end up in bed 3 x or more a year, I don't sleep at times. We both are to blame for saying "oh its just depression and she will eventually come out of it". In my college days I have history of suicide, and been on off meds while with husband. But now, this episode, in a month some I lost 30 lbs. someone asked him if I was ok cause the weight loss was drastic in short time and he replied" Oh I didnt notice." Now we do have an 11 yr old going through preteen hormonal hell, and screaming, tormenting, testing, TWIN three yr. olds. He is such an awesome dad and helps out more than any man I've seen. Yes, I know I'm lucky, and have cherished him for all his help, but I also feel neglected, and not heard, not seen as with the weight loss. And at my worst he begged, drug me out of bed, called the cops, just to get me help. Then when we do get help, he was told this is serious with psychosis involved (Felt like government was stalking). Very unstable. Get on meds, vomiting, very ill, had to stop them immediatly which instantly put me in a manic state, out of town and no dr. visit for 5 days. So for 5 days I isolated, and slept maybe 7 hrs. tops. Then on diff. med. I was able to come out of room, so now I guess that's a sign to husband. Here you go, here are the screaming twins, and the preteen who is going to question and not do anything you ask, so you will need to remind her 10x, and you have to cook, clean, etc. and in his words "cause that's what moms do." I so needed to be in bed. But I tried to function. Then melt down to therapist. She advised it would be best to stay in my room where I felt the most calm and safe over the weekend, with very little stimulation (Which I did mention to him and he said he understood) Did it happen? Kids screams and preteens complaints and whining pushed me over. I started yelling at husband for irrational things with no basis. And he's tired from the previous weeks taking care of me plus kids, so he got on defensive and stood way too close to me making me feel so threatened. So I pushed him. Weekend over, stuck in room for the next week, with mixed mania, and its now time for husband to go on (Voluntary trip) for 25 days. I CANT do this alone. the night before he is supposed to leave he says well you got your mom. But the night before I cried to him he was what I needed, My husband, the only one I trusted. He broke my heart, said he's always wanted this trip and when twins were born he had to cancel, why again? DUH?? I told him that I postponed my schooling to follow his career (Military) many yrs., even had to quit in the middle of school because, as he was already gone 1 yr., and decided to vol. to do an additional yr. I was not gong to let marriage fail so I quit and
     
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    Anon_230591 responded:
    Good news, Going to hospital/inpatient in am. I realize I can not do this anymore all by myself. Getting worse, with hullicinations, paranoia, feel like I'm being followed and even feel like husband wants this just so he can use it against me to get kids. Lost trust this am, when I said I was ready to go inpatient, and sent an e-mail (I was hesitant)but sent it anyway in hopes he'd understand a little more. He wanted me to open up, He knew I was scared and I never said a word about my living hell in my head to anyone not even therapist. Have fear, of looking bad/crazy. Being sent away or kids taken. But I sent it. Told him I've always got back up plan so be aware of that, also learn that I mean it when I say I done. G ave him insight to the disorder, triggers, signs like cussing etc. He knew about "the plan" yesterday as well as knowing my belief is so strong that I will live in eternal hell if I take my life. Ive always said to myself you are escaping hell by suicide just to go to hell. I stayed in hotel away from him so I could not be triggered. And he never called me once out of respect (keep in mind he knew about plan yesterday and never checked in. But today, I called and was ready to go to inpatient. After he read my letter, I a got knock on the hotel door and cops/EMS there to help me. I instantly feel the volcoano rising, but keep cool. They leave after I said i was going to inpatient. Why did he call today? He new of it yesterday and didn't call. Makes me seriously wonder what he's doing. Now He has my neurotic letter, the cops called etc. all this documentation. I panicked Did not go to inpatient just so I could make sure I had rights and needed to know for sure vol. going in hospital would not hurt my reputation as a parent. So now the one person I trusted I'm not so sure. I am sure that I'm very sick and need to go. So ill keep everyone posted. Got a ? Dr. said we needed to use the "Big Guns" refering to meds? Got any clue what those are? Any info helps anxiety, I like to know ahead of time and not just thrown in, makes me feel somewhat in control. Thx
     
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    littlerunaway replied to littlerunaway's response:
    and followed him again, this time to Asia. Well to end this I broke down hard. My heart still aches at the thought of him choosng the school and not me. All because he was too blind to see the seriousness of this. Even told counselor he didnt know it was serious. Maybe he's the one with Bipolar disorder, because where the hell has he been? By the way his dx is not bipolar, it ADD. Great combo the two of us. And I'm a clean OCD freak as well. We actually work well together. He's calm, I'm not. He's forgetful, I have to be so organized. I always said my world is chaos so keeping my home in order is necessary for my sanity. Well, he stayed, he's home on a medical leave from work, children are having a blast at the beach, And I'm going to inpatient in am. Just need to know what meds dr. is referring to when he said we need to pull out "the Big Guns" any clue which ones he talking about? like to be knowledgable helps with anxiety. Thx for advice/response. I'll be back soon, I hope.
     
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    WolfFaerie replied to Anon_230591's response:
    I'm glad to hear that you reconsidered going inpatient. Continue to keep an open mind about what to expect in group therapy, meds, and other people's reactions to you. You're reaching out for the help that you need but that does not mean your hubby is sympathic to how you're feeling or thinking right now. He's thinking of himself and your children which will leave you in the classic role of the bad guy even though you're going to get the help you need.

    I wish you well on your journey to recovery and sending good thoughts and prayers your way too!
    Wolf
     
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    Supa_Kay replied to littlerunaway's response:
    BIG HUGS {{{{{{{{{{{{{{littlerunaway}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I know it's hard to imagine but what you are feeling and your response was pretty "normal" for your first go at it. I don't think anyone take lightly to being forcibly admitted and when confronted with it, you just thought to protect yourself so you start isolating and disassociating. I know it's new feelings for you to deal with and they are very hard to understand, but I promise, this can get better.

    I don't know if you have headed out or not yet, but if not you may want to ask Dr. G about the "big guns"... just post to him with his name in the title, he's really good about getting back to us. From what I have heard there are drugs such as Depacote, Lithium, and Lamictal as mood stabilizers that are used in the more server cases. Augmenting the regimen with an antipsychotic is fairly common too, ie. Abilify, Seriquil and such. I'm not a doc so my info on the meds is neither here nor there but there are many out there, and be sure that you are open and honest with the pdoc you see. Believe me you are not the first person they have met who hears things or sees things.

    I have encountered A LOT of bpers that experience what you talk about the "demons" including myself. Most times when I or others I know refer to them they are called shadow walkers or shadow movements, I don't know if it's directly related to bp as I have some over~lapping dx's with paranoia and schizo. stuff too, but this may be the same for you, and girl if you are open and honest with your docs they can help you to make these things stop.

    Gosh I hope you are doing ok and please let us know what's going on..... Take Care of You! ~Tessa
    To the power higher above... Please keep your arm around my shoulder, and your hand around my mouth, Amen!
     
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    Anneinside responded:
    I just got out of the hospital after an 18 day stay. Yes, that is long but was necessary b/c having the initial 3x a week treatments of ECT. I am now down to once a week so I can have it outpatIent. I have to say that I didn't even care about being there until about the last 3 days. I have been inpatient more times than I can remember and every time I came out in much better condition. Where I go I have found the nurses and doctors to be caring and treated me very well. Group activities are very limited but it is a safe environment. One very important thing happens for me when I am inpatient. Because I am in an environment in which it is almost impossible to suicide, the pressure to do so lessens. I don't have to fight the desire to act on my impulses.


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