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TRIGGER - Solutions
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melly2210 posted:
I've read it in various posts here and in other places. I've personally had to review and think about this myself. And I just really, really, really feel like I need to say this. So I've tagged this as a trigger for those who are sensitive, and I apologize in advance for whomever this offends. Oh well.

Here goes....

When something or someone in your life has a negative impact in any way (and it does not matter whether that impact is significant or minor) the answer to the problem is NOT always to remove that something or someone from your life. If every time something negative happened and you removed that something or the person who caused it from your life, you haven't solved the problem. You've run from it. The problem still exists. What I've found happens is that I carry that problem around with me. And guess what? It catches up and rears its ugly head. It may manifest as the very same problem I ran from OR it changes form and my response to it differs, like my last experience. I dissociated.

You have to deal with what life hands you. Period. If it's an significant other who has addiction or mental health problems, running from him or her isn't going to change that for either of you. You will still be bipolar and whatever other coexisting dx you have, and so will the other person. If the problem or person is causing you bodily harm, then yes, it's time to remove yourself from the situation.

I've heard it too often lately to "kick 'em to the curb." Doesn't fix anything. There is no support in that statement. Say that is what I do. The next time the problem arises, guess what? I'm going to keep repeating the cycle over and over unless I learn a strategy to change MY problem.

So I guess what I am saying is I think this board is for support. That means offering COPING solutions, strategies, links to resources, etc. It should be free of judgement. And the fix all of sticking your head in the sand by getting rid of said problem doesn't always work. Please try to be open to other ways.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.  ~Emily Dickinson
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slik_kitty responded:
sometimes getting rid of that person is the only answer to solve the problem. if that person is unwilling to get help for themselves and is unwilling to change to make the relationship better, then you are stuck in a situation that is bad for you. why stay in a relationship that hurts you? if the person is getting help and is working on making things better, then yes, stick around. but if the person refuses to, then you will continue to live in misery. no one should have to live in misery.

if you run into the same kind of problem with another relationship, it isn't the previous relationship that is causing the problem. you need to take a look at yourself and the reason why you keep meeting people with problems who will probably hurt you if you get in a relationship with them.
 
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ddnos responded:
I would have to agree with Kitty (well said, Kitty!)

Yes, we do have to deal with what life hands us, and sometimes the best and most wise way to deal with it is to "kick it to the curb." When it's a relationship that we're talking about, then I would say what Kitty said and you don't just "kick em to the curb" at the slightest difficulty, but after you've really tried to work things out. Sometimes that may take time, and other times, the relationship could be so toxic and you know it right away, that letting thta person go is what is the most healthy thing to do to take care of yourself. It's not my responsibility to take care of that person at my mental and emotional expense, or visa versa,you know?

Also, only referring to what you see here on this board; remember that you (or any of us) don't and can't see the whole picture because we are only seeing one dimension of it. So what may appear to you as what you speak of in your post may not be what it actually is in its entirety.

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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melly2210 replied to ddnos's response:
I agree if there is grievous harm being done, then yes, it's time to get rid of the problem. However....and I'll use my situation as the example (but I've also seen it happen to someone else recently too).

When I posted that something had happened, it was harsh and very raw. The entire situation was bad from both sides of the fence. Essentially what occurred was crisis point at the same time in two opposite ends of the spectrum - manic and depression. The actions were completely out of character for us both, and the end result was cataclysmic as well. My posting was not clear, I admit. I was in crisis after all. But the automatic just get rid of this person response hurt and it made me angry. First of all, there was a history there that no one really knew. I was devastated, not just because of what had happened, but because of where I was emotionally. And I grew angry because no one asked background, they just jumped ahead to depositing a person in the proverbial trash can without having the background information.

For me, this is a trigger. And I imagine I am not alone in that. Too many of us have been tossed aside, forgotten, abandoned because we're "crazy" or because in an episode we did something we wouldn't have done in a more stable moment. Because it has happened to me so much and has had the impact it has had, I don't do that to other people. I may not pursue a close relationship, but I just don't walk away, throw them away.

Change doesn't happen on it's own. It takes recognizing it needs to happen and then the encouragement and support to make it happen. We don't get better just because. We need support to do it. And sometimes the people in our lives need the same empathy and support that we do in order for them to get better as well.

When it happened to me. I was hurt by the response I received. I felt attacked and felt that I needed to defend my decisions. To me, that's not something anyone here should have to do. Someone pointed out that because I manage so well most of the time, that sometimes people hold me to a higher expectation. My response was, why? I'm just as human and just as ill as the sickest, most afflicted person on this board. Sometimes empathy, especially when someone is in crisis, does way more than anything else.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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melly2210 responded:
I agree if there is grievous harm being done, then yes, it's time to get rid of the problem. However....and I'll use my situation as the example (but I've also seen it happen to someone else recently too).

When I posted that something had happened, it was harsh and very raw. The entire situation was bad from both sides of the fence. Essentially what occurred was crisis point at the same time in two opposite ends of the spectrum - manic and depression. The actions were completely out of character for us both, and the end result was cataclysmic as well. My posting was not clear, I admit. I was in crisis afterall. But the automatic just get rid of this person response hurt and it made me angry. First of all, there was a history there that no one really knew. I was devastated, not just because of what had happened, but because of where I was emotionally. And I grew angry because no one asked background, they just jumped ahead to depositing a person in the proverbial trash can without having the background information.

For me, this is a trigger. And I imagine I am not alone in that. Too many of us have been tossed aside, forgotten, abandoned because we're "crazy" or because in an episode we did something we wouldn't have done in a more stable moment. Because it has happened to me so much and has had the impact it has had, I don't do that to other people. I may not pursue a close relationship, but I just don't walk away, throw them away.

Change doesn't happen on it's own. It takes recognizing it needs to happen and then the encouragement and support to make it happen. We don't get better just because. We need support to do it. And sometimes the people in our lives need the same empathy and support that we do.

When it happened to me. I was hurt by the response I received. I felt attacked and that I needed to defend my decisions. To me, that's not something anyone here should have to do. Someone pointed out that because I manage so well most of the time, that sometimes people hold me to a higher expectation. My response was, why? I'm just as human and just as ill as the sickest, most afflicted person on this board. Sometimes empathy, especially when someone is in crisis, does way more than anything else.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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slik_kitty replied to melly2210's response:
sometimes empathy is called for, and sometimes a good slap back to reality is called for.

i will not apologize for how i support people. i support people because i care. that is what is important. everyone here cares for everyone else, and everyone offers support in the best way they know how. that support is not always taken in the way it was sent, which is a sad thing. especially when the person the support is being given to lashes back at the person offering the support.
 
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melly2210 replied to slik_kitty's response:
Again, I will state.....perhaps knowing the facts by asking questions first and then advising is a better way to approach it.

Sighs...just nevermind.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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melly2210 replied to melly2210's response:
No...I'm adding TWLOHA's link. It fits and says so much of what I'm obviously failing to convey.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/to-write-love-on-her-arms/were-reminded-that-life-is-fragile-today/10150264374624658
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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slik_kitty replied to melly2210's response:
oh i hear what you are saying melly, you just seem to not be hearing what i am saying. i help in the best way i know how, given my past experiences. i was married for 11 years. i stayed with the man, enduring abuse and his alcoholism, because i loved him and hoped that some day he would change. after my son was born and that anger turned towards my son, my ex killed that love. so i left. i left even though he pleaded that he needed me and didn't want to be alone. you can call that callous and mean, but after 11 years of that, i wasn't taking any more and was going to save myself and my son. my son, by the way, was conceived during a brief month's time that my ex was sober.

so, you can call my support uncaring and unknowing, that's fine by me, but you don't know the facts either. i tell people to leave their abusive relationships because i know what can happen. i tell people to save them the years of suffering that i went through. so call it what you like, i will still help people in the same way, by offering the best advice i can, knowing what i know now.
 
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Anneinside replied to melly2210's response:
I, among many people do not follow a discussion from beginning to an end that may be weeks away. All we have to work with is what the poster has stated. If it is necessary to ask questions before we are allowed to respond to the comment then the poster is not being clear enough. In that case should your post be ignored? How are we to know that you haven't been clear? Do we ignore our own past histories that inform our possible answers? Perhaps we should only post "solutions" that you would agree with... but how would we know that? You are free to ignore any comment or advice you want. You also don't have to read any comment. If getting comments upset you or are different than what you want from others then why post the initial statement? Harsh, perhaps but I feel my comment is just true however blunt.
 
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ddnos replied to melly2210's response:
Melly, this whole thread comes across as a "blanket statement" over everyone when in reality, it's about you. You were hurt by the experience you had with someone (apparently here on the board) and so you are generalizing a message that you intend and maybe even hope for that person to see. It's best to leave that stuff between you and the intended person. For one, only those involved are going know what you are talking about specifically, the rest of us are confused by the incomplete puzzle of your post - well, I can say that I am.

When we say or do something while in a manic or depressed state that is offensive to someone and/or they feel they can't handle that in their lives at the time, then it is well within their rights to walk away. It may not appear to be a very sensitive thing to do, but sometimes that's just the way it is. I can't expect anyone to have to put up with my issues or times when I'm not doing well and may be acting how I normally wouldn't be acting and neither can you.

Bottom line for me is that your original post came across like, "Ok everybody, this is what I see happening here and this is how it should be instead; so listen up." Then you proceeded to chastise everyone basically, for not being at "your level." In other words, it came across very arrogant.

You get frustrated when people don't seem to hear you at times, including this thread, which is what I was trying to say in my initial response, i.e. that it's impossible on ANY board with people of varying ages, beliefs, levels of recovery, levels of personal growth, maturity, etc, to be able to effectively and accurately express and hear the whole picture! It's not possible! That's a part of discussion or support boards that I dn't like, but it's a fact and one that we all have to accept! It's easy to completely misunderstand someone else or be misunderstood on these boards when all we have is the one dimension of the written word! We don't hear tone of voice, or see body language, or know the other people or situations involved and we can't possibly get that across with just words. So when you have a bunch of people trying to communicate one dimentionally, you're not always going to be heard or understood.

I know that I don't understand your whole story as to why this topic even came up, and I likely never will; but that's just part of this "cyber world."

Take care
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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ddnos replied to Anneinside's response:
Well said, Anneinside!
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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melly2210 responded:
You're all right. I'm wrong. Apologies made. Moving on. Thank you.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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ddnos replied to melly2210's response:
Melly, do you see what I mean? We may not be hearing what you're saying and you're not hearing what we're saying - that's going to happen here on these boards a lot unless the topic at hand is very simple. You can't take it personally - none of us can.

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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melly2210 replied to ddnos's response:
Not taking it personally. I'm just tired. I hear everything everyone is saying. And I'm not discussing it anymore. If you all would like to continue, please feel free, but I've said what I felt I needed to say.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


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