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Bi-Polar and stealing
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An_241085 posted:
I am seeking some kind of an answer as to why after 14 years would anyone want to go through her partners purse to take ciggarette money..Tho I did not follow through with it I got caught in the process oof putting the purse back. I did this a long time ago and back then I actually did take cash...this time around the intent was there but I did not open it nor did I want to do this but the guilt of knowing that the intent was there and being caught disturbs me. I had no need to even think of think of this and even tho I did not take anything or even open it I knew it was wrong to hurt my partner yet I felt a need to try?
What kind of sickness is this? I was not raised to be a thief nor was I raised in a manner of hurting others. I suffer from guilt when I do things wrong and even tho my past shows I did some bad things I made my penance with the Lord and I still do.
God forgives me but how am I supposed to have my partners trust when I am supposed to be watching his back and here I am plotting to steal a lousy 5 bucks.
Last night I had 3 or 4 wful dreams all dreams about my past and the things I had stolen tho they were not felonies or severe crimes to be in jail for If I had continued on that path I certainly would have a record.
My partner has every right not to trust any more and I cannot blame him but why such an intent on my part...why after 12 to 14 years would I resort back to that line of thinking..If I needed 5 bucks he would have said ok go get some smokes ..If he didnt have it he would just say we dont have the extra and I would go my merry way and use my electronic cigg which has helped me go down from 2 packs a day toone.
What I do not know is the intent after all these years is this a sickness I have to live with the rest of my life and how do I explain to my partner what this is ...I am sure he will continue to hide his purse in a new spot but that is understandable cos if I continue to want to steal I am hurting both our funds.
I do not do this intentionally and I the guilt I get from all of this is huge but more so it is confusing to not know why I do this.

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bpcookie responded:
First of all, have you been diagnosed as Bipolar? Stealing isnt a symptom of Bipolar. So Im not sure if you want to know if this is Bipolar related or something else.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.
 
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PuddyTat59 replied to bpcookie's response:
I was diagnosed 12 years ago with mild borderline bi-polar...suffer from depression and anxiety attacks..I have odd nightmares when sleeping but I never jump out of them I seem to sleep like a rock....When I did wake up that morning I was dreaming of some crappy things I did in my past and to me it sseems like that triggered this issue.
I did not go in the purse nor want to take anything it was the guilt of being caught with it and trying to put it back.
A lot of times to when I clean bedroom I wait for him to be in other room cos of the dust and sprays and where he keeps his stuff I usually do not bother it but I do have to move things to get corners and all...I feel so guilty even when I am just cleaning if I pick up anything of his cause the reminder of what I did years ago to him pops in my head and I think Omg he probably thinks I am snooping or stealing again.
The actual intent was there but I immediately wanted to put it back cause I did not want to be accused or have him see me struggling with this.
I never should have picked it up to begin with and when I did I should have automatically dropped it back down and nothing would have happened but no I was staring it like I wanted to take a lousy 5 bucks out and that saddens me terribly.


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