I am seeking some kind of an answer as to why after 14 years would anyone want to go through her partners purse to take ciggarette money..Tho I did not follow through with it I got caught in the process oof putting the purse back. I did this a long time ago and back then I actually did take cash...this time around the intent was there but I did not open it nor did I want to do this but the guilt of knowing that the intent was there and being caught disturbs me. I had no need to even think of think of this and even tho I did not take anything or even open it I knew it was wrong to hurt my partner yet I felt a need to try? What kind of sickness is this? I was not raised to be a thief nor was I raised in a manner of hurting others. I suffer from guilt when I do things wrong and even tho my past shows I did some bad things I made my penance with the Lord and I still do. God forgives me but how am I supposed to have my partners trust when I am supposed to be watching his back and here I am plotting to steal a lousy 5 bucks. Last night I had 3 or 4 wful dreams all dreams about my past and the things I had stolen tho they were not felonies or severe crimes to be in jail for If I had continued on that path I certainly would have a record. My partner has every right not to trust any more and I cannot blame him but why such an intent on my part...why after 12 to 14 years would I resort back to that line of thinking..If I needed 5 bucks he would have said ok go get some smokes ..If he didnt have it he would just say we dont have the extra and I would go my merry way and use my electronic cigg which has helped me go down from 2 packs a day toone. What I do not know is the intent after all these years is this a sickness I have to live with the rest of my life and how do I explain to my partner what this is ...I am sure he will continue to hide his purse in a new spot but that is understandable cos if I continue to want to steal I am hurting both our funds. I do not do this intentionally and I the guilt I get from all of this is huge but more so it is confusing to not know why I do this.
I was diagnosed 12 years ago with mild borderline bi-polar...suffer from depression and anxiety attacks..I have odd nightmares when sleeping but I never jump out of them I seem to sleep like a rock....When I did wake up that morning I was dreaming of some crappy things I did in my past and to me it sseems like that triggered this issue. I did not go in the purse nor want to take anything it was the guilt of being caught with it and trying to put it back. A lot of times to when I clean bedroom I wait for him to be in other room cos of the dust and sprays and where he keeps his stuff I usually do not bother it but I do have to move things to get corners and all...I feel so guilty even when I am just cleaning if I pick up anything of his cause the reminder of what I did years ago to him pops in my head and I think Omg he probably thinks I am snooping or stealing again. The actual intent was there but I immediately wanted to put it back cause I did not want to be accused or have him see me struggling with this. I never should have picked it up to begin with and when I did I should have automatically dropped it back down and nothing would have happened but no I was staring it like I wanted to take a lousy 5 bucks out and that saddens me terribly.
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