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    Visit our Crisis Assistance Link for resources. For immediate help, get to the ER.

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    neutralino posted:
    [TRIGGER] Hi there! I'm 48, have been bipolar since the age of 17. I used to be a research scientist (particle physics and lately neuroscience), but managed to completely destroy my life and I have been unemployed for the last 4 years. If I don't find a job, I'll also be homeless when my mother dies. No hubby (divorced), no kids (chose not to reproduce myself) and — guess what — no friends.

    I take my medications as prescribed. Lithium 600 mg, quetiapine 200 mg, topiramate 200 mg: manias in check. Moclobemide 900 mg and bupropion 300 mg: depression unabated; the devil has become medication-resistant. (Note: Other combinations have no effect either. A course of 12 ECTs two and a half years ago produced spectacular results that lasted precisely two months.)

    For the last few weeks, all I can think of is suicide. All day, every day. I surf in search of the lethal doses of various meds and then check and recheck the numbers. Can't wait for the big day. But I have to wait while my mother is still around; she has already lost one daughter. The suffering is horrible. I can see my psychiatrist as often as I want, I love him and he loves me very much, but once I leave his office I'm all alone again. I'll be his first patient to commit suicide and I hate to do that to him, but I hate myself a lot more.

    Recipes for a miracle, anybody?
    lexismom11 responded:
    [TRIGGER] My best advice I can give you is to go to the ER. You can be admitted where they can monitor you and help keep you safe. I am not in your situation but I have been very suicidal lately myself and have been in the ER. I may end up there again. If you do not have anyone that can help you be safe, the ER is the best place to go. Call your doctor and let him know how you are feeling and ask if this would be your best route. In the hospital they may adjust your meds or try a new combination. This is what happened to me and it helped a lot until a couple of weeks ago. Posting here on this message board is a good way to express your feelings and get a little support from others who know what its like to be bipolar. Good luck and let us know how everything goes for you.
    melly2210 replied to lexismom11's response:
    [TRIGGER] TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER I really think you need to admit yourself to an ER where they can refer you to a local crisis center. You also may want to contact your pdoc and discuss your recent feelings and actions. You sound like you are still considering this option and the fact that you are still planning means there is still hope, even though you don't realize that. Please seek out professional help!

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
    neutralino replied to melly2210's response:
    [TRIGGER] lexismom11 and melly2210,

    thank you both for responding!

    I cannot admit myself to an ER cos I've got no health insurance. (My pdoc sees me for free and I just pay for my meds.) Not to mention that ER docs in Greece (where I live) would probably laugh if I just told them I was thinking of offing myself. "Get on with it, lady, and come back when you're done." In any case, I cannot leave my mom on her own for more than a few hours at a time; she relies on me for practically everything. Plus, I don't want to bother my pdoc all the time. So, for the moment, I'm stuck.
    melly2210 replied to neutralino's response:
    [TRIGGER] I didn't realize you were out of the United States. Perhaps there is a government funded program there that requires facilities to provide services regardless of insurance or financial status? Another suggestion is to discuss this with your pdoc when you do have your next appointment. He/she might be able to provide some other coping strategies and help you set up a plan to follow when your mom does eventually pass (I am sorry in advance for your loss). The plan would hopefully prevent you from acting on these feelings during the grieving process (it's my thought you are probably already going through this process because of her health). Being a caregiver is always a hard process but the first rule of thumb is and always will be to take care of yourself first.

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to neutralino's response:
    [TRIGGER] I agree with all the responses you've received so far.... you need some ongoing professional help wherever you can find it. Please let your pdoc know exactly what you've told us here so he can help you get the help you need and deserve, while still ensuring your mother has the care she needs.

    Please contact a crisis line (this link goes to one in Greece and if that doesn't help, look in your local phone book or online).

    I am so sorry you're struggling so much right now. Please take steps to keep yourself safe.
    neutralino replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Caprice et al., thank you for your responses. You probably know better than I that reaching out for help can be very difficult, especially when you know there's no magic bullet and even if you do improve, it's only a matter of weeks before you're just as bad or even worse once again. I don't want to sound ungrateful but I'm tired of hoping. Mea culpa, I shouldn't have asked for miracle recipes. Thank you all for your kindness.
    neutralino replied to neutralino's response:
    By the way, please feel free to remove this thread. I assure you I won't feel hurt or offended. Take care.
    reneegigliotti responded:
    Please call your psychiatrist's answering service immediately. It sounds like you need an admission and help with your depression. As a fellow scientist I can tell you that there are jobs out there but you need to be healthy enough and have a stable enough mood to endure the job seeking process. Please don't delay. Pick up the phone and call you doc! Let us know what happened. A lot of us on this Board have been where you are. You are not alone. Right now you need to be in a safe place.
    neutralino replied to reneegigliotti's response:
    Renee, thank you for your message. I can't believe that you people really care so much. I finally did pick up the phone and called my pdoc a couple of hours ago. He added 100 mg of fluvoxamine to my depression meds and will be seeing me tomorrow evening. I'm not too hopeful. Last time, fluvoxamine made me very irritable and we had to discontinue it and up the quetiapine for a while to counteract the irritability. We'll see what happens this time.
    ibex7 replied to neutralino's response:

    Check in with a trusted friend. You are welcome here anytime.

    I'm 65, dx'ed at age 35. My technical career grew harder and harder to maintain until I was 53, when my boss called me a moron, and I withdrew from my well deserved promotion.

    Life for a BP is tough, butt flowers still bloom. Life is tough, butt dawns and sunsets are still awe inspiring. Life is tough, butt animals from housecats to gorillas, cause us to wonder.
    Most important is that God is Love. And He chooses us to be the vessles of that love to share with each other.

    Please look for someone to share your kindness. Many people are still walking the road like you.
    PetPrincess responded:
    I just read this thread and am in tears. I hope you found some peace. How are you??
    neutralino replied to PetPrincess's response:
    Dear Princess,

    Thanks to the fluvoxamine, I'm a bit calmer, for the moment at least. I'll be seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow.
    Thank you so much for your kindness! I'll stay in touch. I've found so much support in this community I can hardly believe it.

    Take care,
    Maya (that's my real name)
    neutralino replied to ibex7's response:
    Dear Ibex,

    It's taken me ages to reply and thank you, please forgive me. You're so right, of course you are. I don't believe in God, but I do believe in Love. AND I'm deeply grateful for your kindness. You too have been through hell and must have known extreme loneliness. Please take care.

    bipoet001 responded:
    (TRIGGER) I'm 67 and have been taking my meds since 1983. I teach and volunteer for a foundation that works with profoundly disabled to bring out the gifts they always have and bring that out to the world. Everyone with this illness thinks and act on suicidally thoughts. Men use methods twice as effective as women, but woman try twice as often. Meds can keep you body stable but the body changes with time and you may want to have your meds re-evaluated to insure they are at correct levels for your present age.
    You sound lonely and without purpose. I messed up early on but have filled my life with young people who share my interests as well as giving to those who always snap me out of feeling sorry for myself. Bipolar is both biologically and psychological. What has changed in your life that you are feeling your life is to difficult to face? Talking to a psychologist or pastor or support group might help. Finding other people you feel comfortable with can make all the difference. I don't beleive you are looking forward to taking pills, you sound as if you desparately want someone to care enough to talk you out of it. In truth, only you can make that choice.
    There are many better ways of making a difference in the world than being someone's first suicide. I hope you reconsider. David

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