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Panic from HE double hockey sticks - TRIGGER
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melly2210 posted:
Well I think the med changes have done me in. Totally. Yes, the anxiety levels have been riding high with all the crap I have on my plate, but I had been managing it for the most part. The chatter was keeping me up late at night, then I'd fall asleep and dream in vivid detail whatever was running through my head to keep me up. I startle awake and then it would take me almost an hour to fall back asleep only to repeat the process every hour or two. Discussed this in detail with the pdoc who upped my trileptal dose at night and added clonazapam. It worked for about a week. And then there was yesterday......

We took MIL to her doctor. It's a 20-25 minute drive via highway and one we make quite regularly. My anxiety was through the roof. No rhyme, no reason, it just was. So much so that when S pulled the car into the parking spot kind of quickly he turned and jokingly asked if I thought he was gonna hit the car on my side. Well it was like someone took the cap off the anxiety can. I screamed at him yes. And he started the whole "don't yell at me like a dog" routine which only made the attack worse. So he gets out of the car and asks if I am coming. Tell him no, I am having a panic attack. He got his mom checked in and came out.

I'd moved the car seat all the way back. I had my head between my knees, trying to curb the hyperventilation. My heart was pounding. I had chest pains. I was shaking. I was crying. And all I could think was "oh no, not again." I haven't had a panic attack of this magnitude since before the big crash. I managed to get myself calmed down, but it took 45 minutes. I got home and took an extra clonazapam because I was still feeling residual effects.

So now...now I am scared. As in bat crap crazy scared. This is how all the crisis stays, dx, losing everything started. And here I am again. I'm still incredibly anxious to spite the medications and I can't seem to quell that fear which I am sure is adding to the already existing anxiety.

There wasn't a trigger, per say. And I don't know what to do.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
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davedsel57 responded:
Melly, I'm sorry to read this. I can say that I fully understand because I have had panic attacks in the past as well. One of the worst things a human can go through, IMHO.

I applaud you for being able to calm yourself down somewhat. That was a big accomplishment. I guess I would recommend continuing to work with your doctor on the meds issue. Maybe you can find some type of relaxation techniques that would help - soothing music, meditation or prayer, etc.

I pray you find good solutions and relief soon.
Please click on my user name or avatar picture to read my story.

Blessings,

-Dave
 
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mercygive responded:
Hi Mel,

I am so sorry you are having the panic attacks. I know why you are scared. Panic attacks start the downward spiral for me too and I know how terrifying the end result can be. Mine start by ignoring my physical and emotional limitations, and by stuffing down my feelings to avoid hurting someone else's.

So S was able to get his mom in and out. Know you wanted to be there to help, but did you have to be there? Did you pick a time when his mom needed help to say "I need help." Did you use the new car that you bought for you & S to enjoy to take MIL to the hospital? Is she jealous of the new car? How many other young women are living in the house other than yourself? So S can take care of his mom alone on some occassions.

Often others find a way to push our buttons - they have their selfish reasons. Just saying because of your previous posts.


Don't give up on your medications! And, don't over take your medications to get a quick calm down. Just saying - take care of you!

Hugs,
Mercy
Choose life, God's Grace and humor - mercygive


 
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melly2210 replied to davedsel57's response:
Thanks...after the "big meltdown" as I like to refer to my month long stay in a CSU, I learned a lot of coping skills. Tons. Didn't realize it at the time, but they sure come in handy now. Like that panic attack. In the past, I'd have landed in the ER or at the very least had a visit from the local EMTs. All of the things you listed are what I try to incorporate.

But thank you for the prayers. They are always appreciated and needed. The same to you.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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melly2210 replied to mercygive's response:
Sometimes S forgets I have issues because my coping skills are much more well-honed than his are.

The ride to the doctors with the MIL was an opportunity to get out of the house. I've been kind of hyperfocused on the business start up and the step daughter being on baby watch. I thought it would be a nice break.away from the house.

For once the MIL was being ok. No snide remarks. No rudeness. When I overreacted, she excused herself and asked S inside if I was going to be ok. She sent him back out. I've thought and rethought this looking for a trigger but not finding any,

And now it's that fear of another more paralyzing one. Or where a series of them might lead. Before, it was the big crash resulting in a 30 day stay. I don't ever want to be that way again.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


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