Bipolar Disorder Community

I DON'T WANT THIS! I DON'T WANT THIS'! I DON'T WANT THIS!.


I cried from the depth of my soul. More than once. I am so glad that I can talk to Him and He knows all that I am thinking and .feeling. Some friends of ours convinced my husband that I have bipolar and because his mom committed suicide and they don't want me to end up the same way. So, my husband threatened our marriage over this, if I didn't admit it, well...I have done the counselors, and psychologist route and no such thing had ever been brought up. I won't tell you what changed that except my husband was a big part of it. To save my marriage, I had to accept it. I didn't, so we pretty much are just here. Last summer I went hypomanic, it was the most wide awake than I ever remember being. I didn't want it to end for up until that time,I was hypersomnic, which means sleepy most of the day. It is this way that I am most all the time. It gets to be 'bout near unbearable.Right now, what is going on now is the opposite of what was going on then. It is so confusing. I am a nurse and it is so frustrating, for me, to be a nurse and not understand what it is all about. Yet, deal with my spouse, and family to try to educate them with what I know. I can't except it, not yet, I try. It makes it so hard for I see how my life has been, all these years and they don't see much different than now. My husband, who was so insistant that I accept this diagnosis. but does not try to understand it, but takes advantage of it. Mind games. I have been married 3 times, all to abusers, so I thought all of this was just my mind and body telling me I had reached my emotional limit. My family thinks the same way I had been and sometimes still do. They don't like the medicines, that I have been on, because of the side effects. They think I am on a boatloads of drugs but I am not. They seem to forget, the last that I knew, I have a sleep disorder and I have been this way for a long time, except of course when I had the hypomania. ( that was a blessed relief, although shortlived).

How do you all do it, accept it? The stigma. It is the stigma that has kept me from accepting this diagnosis. I don't blame my family. How can I when I am thinking the same thing. Truth is, my pride is in my way. I loved my nursing but I burned out. It is tearing me apart. I don't know anything else. My passion.I long to be different that I might be of worth, to someone, Make a difference. Not someone who gets looked at as if I have 2 heads. The sleep walking hasn't helped. It was a conversion from talking in my sleep to walking in it. I can tell you that the talking is less painful than the walking. Is this a part of the bipolar package? I am a nurse, a good one, one who prefers to be able to spend time with my patience. teach them what ever I can that when they go home, they aren't so afraid to be away from the comfort of knowing there are people who were always just a call bell away. To go home and go blank, asking each other, now how much of the medicine I am supposed to take, and when, any wound care and so much more. Now, I am still looking back to when things were more simple, when I enjoyed what I was doing.The anticipation of a good night, that the patients were tucked in their beds and they knew they were in good hands, caring hands. I long to be that again. I reckon the Lord will guide me to where He needs me the most.
I know He holds the future for I know He holds my hands.