Bipolar Disorder Community

I am just ranting here. I need to practice putting these events in writing. I need to collect my thoughts in writing.
First, I want to apologize to anyone here that I might have offended.

I think I want to cry but I can't. This week I have noticed that my mind is racing, I am talking to myself in the air and at the walls, in different voices, my hands are waving but I'm trying so hard not to let anyone see or hear me at work or my dh at home. I am very busy this week and oddly every interruption, question, phone calls, multiple emails and completion of projects helps me to refocus. I just wish I could stay focused during the intervals. Just as soon as I was feeling good about my handling these crazy making family situations, I have lost it twice this week. I yelled at someone over the phone — if she had the phone 10 feet away she could have still heard me for another 20 miles and luckily this conversation took place in my car on my (hands-free) cell phone. I rationalized that she deserved it and I don't think I will apologize. I don't like the way she spoke to me this weekend at dg but I didn't say anything to keep the peace and try to build good relations. His house now used to be a place where I felt loved and warm; we had many laughs, cries, holiday dinners and close conversations. My grandmother used to live in this house. Now I don't feel safe going down there alone because dg has hired the cheapest people he can find, one of them is an ex-convict that was sentenced for stealing farm equipment, and the others are his friends. They have become defensive with my presence. They haven't done anything yet that I know of so I am reluctant to go to the sheriff's office. Besides it's not my house and my dg will not press charges - I'm sure of it.

Today, my db went to visit my dm because she complained that someone was in her room giving her memory tests and then told her that she had senility. My db was trying to find out who saw her. He met with the Pysch doc who gave her the exam in her room but she didn't remember him. The doc told us that it is routine for them to do an examination of that kind. As a matter of fact, she didn't even remember the meeting we had for an hour or so last week (myself, db, social worker and therapist) on her birthday which should have helped her to remember. Nada!

My dm might be released next week (and her walking, feeling in her leg and feet from the myeltis has not improved.) In addition, she is incontinent because she has not feeling when she goes to the bathroom. My db and I arranged to have the house and carpet cleaned before she is released. Then out of nowhere, my db insinuated that he was going to lock me out of my mother's house and that he was not ready for anyone to come over. When I asked him what he was hiding, it set him off like a bomb. He yelled and ranted that he would not allow anyone in his bedroom. "No problem" I said but he continued to yell at me over the phone and I yelled back at him while I was at work and everyone heard me. I should have just hung up the phone but he beat me to it and kept calling me back and hanging up on me each time. So, I wrote down instructions for the cleaning person I arranged to meet us both at dm house tomorrow afternoon and, on the back side, I wrote a note to my brother telling him that I understood the stress that he is under with my dm. I taped the message to the front door and he opened the door just as I was leaving, left me a phone message saying I can come into the house now. My brother is sleeping all day (I think), stays isolated in his room for years now doing who knows what because my dm will not approach him to avoid an argument. We have called the police about my db before. I just hope he will be calm tomorrow or we will not go in and I will have to pay the cleaning person a trip charge. I don't want my dm to be released next week to go home with db.
I have no control and my hands tied. I am thinking about not being available for about 2-3 weeks. I'm at the point of asking dg and dm "What do want from me?" I am near stable when I'm away from everything. I know I need to make an appt with pdoc so I can be more stable while trying to deal with all of this stress, but my dh won't like it because we will be charged a lot more without insurance. My dm needs to give me POA now before it is too late. If I had my druthers, I would evict my db, I want him out of that house, and get dm qualified in-home health like I want for my dg.

My dh started a new job 2 weeks ago and things are going very well. He starts back to school in three weeks and he should graduate next spring. I will not bother him with any of this. I have not been with my women's bible group for a month because I am too busy or too tired. I haven't lost my support group but I will not tell anyone at church about the mental illness in my family or that I am Bipolar. I noticed a posting here recently of someone who had a bipolar support group. So, I guess it's time to find that weekly local NAMI group meeting and/or go online for their support if not for my family, for myself.