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Yes, a rant...I need to getthis out
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melly2210 posted:
I am really tired of being understanding of everyone else's flippin' issues. I am constantly the go between. Between dh and his mom. Dh and our dd. DS1 and Ds2. Dh and his sis. I mediate. I console. I explain what the other doesn't want to or won't hear.

Every time I unload something OFF of my plate, something else happens and VOILA, the plate is overflowing. I am shoveling through the BS, pulling out the facts, arranging them so that EVERYONE ELSE can see clearly what the problem (whatever the daily issue is) is and what the choices are to resolve it. I don't have 2 sons and a step-daughter. I have 6 additional overgrown GROWN children in my life.

And when I try to explain what is wrong with me or how I am feeling? I get told my perceptions are wrong. I am taking things the wrong way. Everything, and I mean everything, dx wise is acting up on me. Bipolar has me sunk into a lovely little hole that I am doing my best to climb out of, but not doing so hot. And yet I am not sleeping and am full of energy. Can we say mixed episode? The BPD has me shoving dh away as fast and as hard as I can because I am mad, just stinkin' mad at him because of his attitude. I'm dealing with domestic violence issues with the step-daughter which nobody feels she's been through when there's multiple counts of it sitting on public file, if only they'd look. That's setting off my PTSD issues big time. Let's toss in working and not being able to commit the time I need to commit to it because I'm every one's garbage dump and can we say ANXIETY because I'm not performing?

I KNOW I am not doing as well as I can or should be. I know I am flying off the handle at dumb things, especially with dh. But frankly I feel like a pat of butter trying to be spread over a whole loaf of bread. It's practically impossible. I have a whole list of stuff I need to talk to my pdoc about. I'm steadily gaining weight. I need off the Seroquel. I'm not able to get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning even with a cocktail of trileptal, seroquel, klonapin and ambien. I'm in a mixed episode. Depressed with manic behaviors. And the longer I am this way, the bigger my fear is that things are going to go bad and fast if something isn't done. Pdoc appt for this month had to be rescheduled because of Hurrican Isaac, so I am having to wait 2 more weeks to see my pdoc to talk about all of this.

Oh, and lets add in the wrist issues on my dominant hand. From the feel of things, I'm going to end up needing surgery. And then there's the recovery. I feel like someone's taken off my right arm from my elbow down. The brace is hot.

It's no wonder I am cranky. I'm tired from not sleeping. I hurt. But most of all I am upset that no one understands. Not even the person who SHOULD. I just told dh I wasn't going to do Avon anymore. I don't have the time, the money, or the ability with everything going on right now to keep up with it, to generate the customer base I need to be successful. And know what he told me? NO. You are not.

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Reply
 
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ddnos responded:
Hi Mel,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.

I only want to respond to the first part of your post where you talk about how you are trying to take care of everyone elses issues, etc. My first thought is that part of the problem is that you're taking care of them rather than letting them take care of themselves. I'm not saying there's never an appropriate time to help folks out, but it sounds to me that you are doing far more than that. You are not, or should not be thier problem solver. My mom gripes about her husband and says things like he has no responsibilities, and I asked her, "why do you think that is?" she didn't want to answer, but the answer was/is because she does it for him, so why should he do anything for himself when he knows she'll take care of it?

You situation may or may not be as extreme as my mom's, but it looks the same. You teach people how to treat you.

It's not your job to fix everybody elses problems. It's not your job to take care of everybody. It's not your job or responsbility to make sure that everyone is happy. You will forever be angry and frustrated if you continue in this "I must fix it" mode and taking care of mindframe...enabling only feeds and maintains the enablelees behavior.

Think about it

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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melly2210 replied to ddnos's response:
Heyas Doodles!

You're right. I guess my biggest complaint out of all of that is that somehow I have the compassion, empathy and understanding for everyone else and their issues, but when it comes to mine, they're dismissed, ignored, or totally misunderstood. Basically, everyone else can fall apart, but I can't.

I can't imagine what will happen if I pull away like I want to do. I just want to stand back and watch the building crumble without the glue but at the same time i know it would just be waiting for me when i came back.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
 
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mattthecat replied to melly2210's response:
Melly
sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.
J and are rooting for you from the side lines as always.
By the way I am with ddnos (Debbie) on this one it is ok to step back and let things work them self from time to time especially if you need to get your own problems in order.
I think if every one felt it was acceptable to pick and choose the battle they fight more often then most do the world would be a much better place for it. that my two cents.
Good luck no matter what you decide.

Matt
 
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melly2210 responded:
Well, S and I are not speaking. This is what happens when I unload things. I'm sitting here waiting for his daughter to call so all hell can break loose. My MIL has thrown out her back. How? Don't know since she only moves from her bed to her chair at her computer. I am exhausted. This mixed episode is kicking my butt.

I have washed my hands of two things this week and they're boomeranging back. I need alone time. Badly

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


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