Morning....sorry I haven't been posting...not good here
Weather: Hot and expecting rain today and next two days
Sleep: Never seems I get enough...exhausted
Mood: Deep, deep depression which is finally overcoming the manic behaviors. Feeling rather indifferent about it except anxious about pdoc appt today
Plans: Took step-daughter to school as her bus pass expired and she didn't realize it. Dropped all the outgoing mail I had at the post office. Then off to take MIL to her dr appt. We might have to leave her there and BIL will pick her up. Then off to my pdoc appt. I desperately need the appt, but dreading it because of the inevitable med changes and I don't have time to be zoned out for a few days until I level out. Why can't things be easy for a change?
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Can't keep it short today but want to. Called in sick to work this morning when I could have asked for time off yesterday. Just woke up from a 12-hour drop. Recovering from a sleepless week and one of the worst bouts of imagination override and anxiety panic attacks I have had in years. I wanted to go to the hospital last night for lack of better clean safe place to escape but I could hear dh wait until Oct 1st when we have insurance. My mom and bro relationship is insidious and makes me want to puke and so did the phone call with my mom on Sat wreaked with nauseas mental pollution. Their house and conversation smells like it feels grimed filmed slickened mucus spewed cigarette smoked yellowed colored cream. I hate the color cream. Not wanting to sleep afraid to relax into distraction paced my soothing freshly painted oyster white bright color splashed room-to-room all night waiting to hear a growling behind or large hairy surprise drip, drips of rain clicking on well-lit patio, subtle changes of lighting, every light in the house turned on obvious to possible intruders that someone is alone should I turn them off — no.. 2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,"026"026"026. Everything in my house is grouped in 2ooooooooooooooooooooooooooos and makes me wonder about me inside and cry a well-arranged house is grouped in threes no not true because there is superior coldness. Dh called and talked me down into taking a Seroquel. He will return home today around 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 pm. I feel dirty and like the witch in Oz full of disgust. Outside is filthy humid every pollen blade of grass germ fowled stick together and I don't want to breath it. The inside of my lungs are sore and I will probably have bronchitis soon. Pdoc on Oct 2nd maybe longer apt Dh home its 3 pm but he is warm and busy i feel better he brings me up not that i should rely on that day better
mood mad as hell, furious mixed with some manic agitation
plans I got so ticked this morning and wanted to physically assault my husband. Therapy has been going well and dh asked me just if things were changing for the better and I said ya. Woke up in a pissy mood and should have guessed the day would be crap. Well i check our bank account like I do every morning and again all but $17.95 was gone. He did it again and gambled all the money online. Usually I am calm and approach thing easily, but I flipped on his azz, needless to say he lies and says someone hacked the account blah blah blah. So I try to get him to open up like doc suggested. He makes a statement "In a few days things are going to change" I ask what he say "I don't know" he does that when he wants me to drop it. So I'm like just tell me what because you do know or you wouldn't have made the statement. Same crap. He don't know so I made it known in most uncertain terms that I am MAD. Now I'm triggered and mad. I left to get blood work came home, he went to gym, and while he was gone I booked all day. When I got home he was sleeping. Ahhhhh you all don't care sry to vent
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