[TRIGGER] I am 46 almost 47 in a month, I guess I sort of was diagnoised three or four years ago. I tried every mood stablizer and nothing worked and I just suffered with sleepless nights and high anxiety, going on spending sprees and making bad choices smoking and drinking no drugs. Now after I was put on Seroquel and Prozac and quit drinking and smoking same time I really lost it that was two months ago. I tried then to commit sucide but just busted my leg really bad and ended up in the pysch ward with a busted leg and a bunch of techs or cnas, l dont even know if I saw a nurse the whole time but they didnt know how to treat someone who just broke their leg, could not get to the bathroom in a wheel chair maybe up 30 minutes of the day when my spouse came to visit me, it was a nitemare, then put on wellburtin and stayed on Seroquel and Prozac the very stuff that sent me over the edge. I stayed trapped in bed with a heliocoper out the window of the bedroom smelling all the wonderful fumes as it came in through the third story window that didnt have proper windows from the 1960s and then I had to tell my doctor after I got out to change my meds get me off the Seroquel and the Prozac it was a bad combo for me. My doc didnt know what to put me on and I told him I tried everything this stuff anti pychic meds didnt work for me and then he tried to deny the Seroquel was a anti pychic.I told him I want to be put on clonnazepam to calm down so he hesitated and put me on 0.5 mg which did help me sleep get my diagestive system working better. But I had to tell me what to do after doing research on the net, I also asked for Lamotrigine I am only on 25mg then 50mg one month later. I feel better I was in the hospital (pych ward) two times before and even with this third time never felt better after my stay acually felt a lot worst. Sometimes I think its got something to do with how much they dont know about this disease and how to treat it. Just because a drug company markets it for bi polar or depression and it turned me into a zombie, my speech even changed . I didnt go on any meds until after 32. than it was anti depressive stuff , I used it and thought it worked but then stopped workiing I didnt know I was manic depressive or bi polar. Sometimes I think I would have never ended up in the hospital if it wasnt for the drugs.They turned me manic and get very depressed for 6 months on end till I couldnt take living anymore and wanted to commit sucuide but now that I really tried and failed just ruined my leg for six months or better and my whole left side and the hell I went though after the math it wasnt worth it, you lose the compassion of everyone and they say you choosed this, you did this to yourself . If you had any friends they dont know you its like your evil and not loved anymore. I live with the guilt too that i was going to leave this earth that way and not suffer it out, it really hurts you and your loved ones, I get emotional about it. I dont know whats wrong with me like everyone else i feel like a test rat they try all these evil drugs on.
But seriously, I dohn't think that I have found I have gotten worse over the years where bipolar is concerned; on the contrary, I think I've gotten better - meaning, over the years I've learned new coping tools and how to use them, with the help of my therapist, and have been on a productive (for the most part) combo of meds for 20 years. So with good meds, a great therapist, doing the work it takes, and learning to take care of myselef in all areas - I've gotten stronger over the years. Not perfect and not without occassional difficulty, but stronger and better able to cope with what life brings me.
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
I know what you mean...I'm 48, also, and "normal" is not one of my cycles, anymore...I'm bipolar II, ultradian and medication-resiastant. A month ago I quit psychiatry and therapy..my therapist told me that I could "snap" out of my cycles...really? The more I talk to bipolar people, the more i re realize that older and bipolar are a NO-NO.
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