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Venting re my mom and Jeff - TRIGGER
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ddnos posted:
Trigger

I'm scared about my mom and don't know what to do. She's not in physical danger with her husband, but he's an binge alcholoci, he is ocd abotu spending, and he pariticpates 0% in the marriage and all that entails. My concern is that my mom is 17 years older than him - she's almost 80 years old and he's 62. She si healthier than he is, but still, she is unable to carry out all his demands because she's older and can getting tired. She's totally stressed out but is unable to say no. She's a huge enabler. I"m literally afradi taht as long as he's alive, he will be the death of her before her ttime.She's alreadd extremely stressed out and overwhelmed and her memory has gone downhill temendously in the past1.5 years or so. Her husband is THE most selfish, selfcentered person I have ever met and sees no one but himself. He doens't care nor see what eh's doing to her. When you talk with him, he gets defensive because it interferes with his cooshy lifestyle. He was gone for 1.5 months recently due to be ing in rehab for minor stroke but is now home and already drinking. In fact, eh started drinking toward the end of his stay at rehab. So that's yet another thing my mom choosed to put up with. I know that she's afraid t oget a divorce bedcause 1) she doens't know how to and 2) it's just too stressful. I want to propose to her that if her children did everything possible to help her from being there when she asked for the divorce, to packing his backs, to mamking sure he had a place to live and anything else that would be needed, would she be willing to go througth wtih it . Her big reason right now is that it's too overwhelming and that she doens't knwo what to do, amontg toher thigns. I'm just literally afraid that he is going to be the death of her beucase of all the stress he causes. Granted, I realize that she is a huge enabler and has allowed most of his behaviout, but I do'nt think that's going to change. Mentailly she is so overwhelmed taht I don't think she would do anything because she's too tired. WHich is why if maybe she had her family doing it all for her might make it more inviting for her. I don't know. I guess we just have to bring that up to her. I'm just afraid that because she's used to this lifestyle, she iwll say no and end up dying out of exhaustion and stress. If that were to happen, I would be SO friggen angry wtih Jeff that I woud have to steer cleaer of him lest I go off on him. Of course, I would never kill him, but damn straight I would want to if I were that kind of person! he's a piece of crap for a human being. If you all knew him, you'd agree 100% - or at least most of you would. This is making me SO angry. I havne't been agble to call my mom in the past 3 days because my emotions are too raw and I don't want to take them out on her. I will be talking with Jeff the next time I'm there. I was going to earlier but then he had to go to the hospital. Unfortanately, he survivied. The sad thing is that this is NOT like me. I have never in my whole life wanted someone to die as much as I have waned that for Jeff. I do feel bad abotu taht and like a part of me has become evil. I would never do anything to speed that along, but I would not be disappointed or sad were it too happen It coldn't happen too soon! Then maybe my mom could live the rest of her days in peace and enjoying her final days!

Enough ranting and now that you all probably think I'm a wicked person for my thoughts and feelis re Jeff -I'm sorry, you're not in my shoes.

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
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DizzyJgirl responded:
Debbie, I am not sure what to tell you. You are NOT wicked in any way. Honestly, all I can think of is that maybe you should give Jeff an earful. Though yes, I realize it might not help.
As you said, if your Mom had someone helping her, maybe that would work. Your mom deserves to be happy and enjoy her life. I hope she is able to see that.

Lots of hugs xoxo
Live Life Loud
 
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ddnos replied to DizzyJgirl's response:
Thank you DJ

I do plan on giving Jeff an earful for what good it will do. He's drinking again so I don't know how much will go in anyway.

My mom doesn't think she's worthy of anything better, which is bottom line why she won't do anything or let anyone help her. I wish you could see the extent of who he is and his behavior, you'd probably go off your rocker and kick his azz. lol Believe me, the past few months especailly, that's what I've wanted to do. I've also wanted to just overrule my moms lack of judgement and make her file divorce papers and kick his azz out of that house forever! I have no doubt that she'd be the happier for it!

Speaking of my mom, I need to give her a call. I haven't been able to call her the past few days because the whole thing just pisses me off too much. I've been depressed the past few days because of it and I'm going to tell her. I'll say I've been depressed and she'll ask why and I'll tell her why. Not counting on that doing anything, but who knows.

Thanks for your thougths
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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CanadianDyanne replied to ddnos's response:
Hi honey poo pie!

I am so sorry to hear that he situation with your mum and he have gotten this bad. I do recall that we talked about it as bit previously, and yes he needs a good arse wooping.

It deffinately sounds like there needs to be an intervention but you can not do it alone. It does need to be a meeting of the minds and a heartfelt confrontation with your Mum first. Because of her age she probably thinks "oh well" but as you said she deserves much better.

Is the home hers? or his?
If the home is his, does she have someone else she can live with?
Do you have people to rally with you? and for her?

Because of her age Debs, most importantly you guys she needs to feel loved and needed. He just uses her, and thats not love. She needs to feel that she still has purpose and meaning. Also, if you just put him down, and 'tell' her she should get away from him, she may just become defensive because she feels as if she has failed. SHE is not the one who is a looser, that is him.

Sending you tight hugz
Dyanne


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