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Husband Wanting to Help... Before it's too late.
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An_249422 posted:
First of all, I love my fiancee with all my heart. She is the light of my life. I've noticed more and more that she has mood swings and temperments that could possibly be bipolar disorder. When she was a teenager, her mother and stepfather wanted her to be evaluated for BD but she refused. During a time in a youth home, she was diagnosed as possibly being bipolar. She has days where she is chipper and hapyp, and then the next couple days she will be vehement on starting arguments over things that aren't important. She recently lost her job which has put us in a dire financial situations, but these episodes were happening prior to that. When I brought up that she see someone for possibly being depressed or BD it started a major fight. I'm really running out of patience here. These bad days she has have split us up before. She actually picked a fight about me picking up a couple of ingredients that she wasn't able to go to the store for yesterday. I'm really beating my head against the wall trying to be calm and still be sweet, but it's getting harder. How do I act around someone who may be bipolar so that she knows I'm here to support her, but that I am wanting to enable her temper. I feel like if I don't do what she wants, then it's over or it's a major fight.
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ddnos responded:
Hi An...

Well, one thing that you could do but because I don't know you, I'm not sure that you would do or not.

If indeed she does have BP, then she needs to be on medication to help, and at least short term therapy; until she's willing to acknowedge that she has a problem and needs help, AND that she's willing to actively seek out help, she will only get worse - and definitely not better. So the first thing that I would do is tell her that you love her, but that you can't marry her until she's willing and actively getting help for herself because unless that happens, there's no hope for a healthy marriage. If you are living together, you might want to make her know that you are serious by moving out - not necessarily breaking up, but moving out to send her the message that you mean what you say - that you still love her, but that you can't marry her and live with her until she gets help BECAUSE you love her and want the best conditions for a happy, healthy future with her. If she's still not willing to get help, then you wait (living on your own) for as long as you feel appropriate and then break off the engagement if within that timeframe, she still refuses to get help. You would be doing that for both of your sakes and you would be sparing both of you a miserable, short-term marriage. I doubt that's what you want.

So, I know the above would not be easy for you, but right now, there's no consequence for her behavior - she will act the way she is and not seek help as long as you are there holding her hand while she does it. RIght now, she has her cake and eats it too, you know?

Best wishes to you
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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mattthecat responded:
Welcome An 249422 first off I agree with ddnos. Second i have been where you are currently. I do not have bipolar but my wife does.The post you made could have been mine six and half years ago with the exception of a few details. But I insisted that i would not marry my wife unless she got the BP thing out from over our heads by getting diagnosed. I even went through the trouble of finding mental health clinic that worked with those who had trouble paying and did every thing including the blood work right there on site. All she had to do was make an appointment. It has not been easy but we have made it work for over six years. If you want more help I would love to post back and fourth with you over later but I am going to be busy over the next couple of hours. good luck and I hope things get better for both of you.

Matt
 
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mattthecat responded:
An 249422 i had to cut my earlier response short. With out a full work up from a psychiatrist there is no way to know for certain if what your fiancee has is bipolar disorder or a number of other things. if she does get checked out and it is bipolar disorder I may be able to let you know what my wife and I did to work through some of the very same problems you and yours are having. I will say things were going no were for us until she got diagnosed for Bipolar disorder and got all of the help she needs to keep her symptoms some what under control. The rest was trial and error. I hope these two posts help.


Matt


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