When there's nothing you can do.....
ddnos posted:
There's nothing I can do about my mom. I got home Friday afternoon from visiting for 7 days, and the night before I left, I asked my mom what would be the thing that made her really say, "Enough! He's outta here"? (re her husband Jeff) and she said that if he came home from detox and started drinking again either right away or even within 2 years. She was like that was it - no more!

So he got home (against medica advice, i might add) thursday night, and within about 6 hrs, he was drinking again!

She had finally agreed to see a lawyer only for consultation purposes - to see exactly what she would have to do, etc., but her memory has gotten so bad that the only way that will get done is if either one of her kids have her make the call right then, or we call to make the appt for her. So my brother called her Fri night to say he would do that and he will go with her - she didn't agree to it. Jeff is pulling his bs by putting on the mr. nice guy appearance and so of course, things aren't really so bad.

So I've had it. If my mom complains about Jeff's behavior to me again I'm going to ask her not to until she's willing to actually do something about it. She has chosen to live this way and I can't un-choose it for her. As much as it hurts and as much as I want to fix it for her, I can't.

I really don't like Jeff at all, and I'm furious with him for treating my mom the way he does (he is not violent, but many other things), but equally, I'm frustrated with my mom for enabling him and letting him treat her like his slave. She doesn't want to live the rest of her life like this (her own words) but she's too scared or something to do anything about it. There's nothing I can do. I keep writing that as a reminder to myself that there's nothing I can do. I can't kick out Jeff, I can't make my mom divorce him, I can't hire a hit man on him lol..so, no, there's nothign I can do. I CAN be there for my mom and give her moments of joy and fun during the times that I am there - but where her relationship with Jeff is concerned and the stress that it puts on her and how much it has all ready messed up her memory - I can't do anything, and I hate it!

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
snowyowl33 responded:

That's a terrible position to be in, I understand all too well.
You're right in what you say, that you have to put up your boundaries around this situation and say enough is enough. If your Mom is not willing to make a change for the betterment of her own life then so be it, that is her fate right now and until she does... if she ever does.

If she decides she wants to make a change and really reaches out to you to help her, then that's the time to help. Until then, there is nothing you can do in that particular area and you shouldn't have to listen to all the bs about him, that's unfair.

Stand your ground on that one, you have enough on your plate already and saying "I won't listen to that" anymore does not make you a bad person/daughter. As you say, be there with and for your Mom in other ways and have some fun together but that kind of stress you (nor anyone) don't need.

Stay strong Doodles, your a good person who needs some sleep.... now get up and do the pink elephant dance around the room! ......then go to bed lol

Hugs Snowy
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. Dalai Lama