Bipolar Disorder Community

This is kinda funny. So after meeting some people with similar struggles, who came to the conclusion I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia---my therapist and psychiatrist now concur that I have Bipolar. And I'm thinking to myself, ok...so what's the difference? Is schizophrenia just a high spectrum of mania then? With Bipolar 2 being on the lower spectrum? Because while I have been managing well for awhile, the whole word schizophrenia bothered me immensely my whole five years of applying it to myself. I had a manic episode when I was about sixteen, and they labelled it schizophrenia because I had some paranoia issues.

It was not until I was put on Geodon that I began actually hallucinating for real, this is after I had a paranoid schizophrenia diagnosis!! The Geodon induced auditory hallucinations which also confused me a lot. I must've had an adverse reaction, another ironic thing is I told my doctor I had a "gut feeling" it might tip me over or make me worse. I didn't do it on purpose. I was actually right. The Geodon made me worse as I had feared. She forced me to take it as a young girl, and so once again--I'm stuck on medications that are making me sick.

Anyways, my therapist started me on DBT. At first I was all excited. YAY self improvement! My first session between the applause on my great improvements, and my ambivilent, I don't give a crap about this attitude, she came to the conclusion I'm avoiding my emotions...uuuuh....and now IDK, am I?

What emotions? You mean the ones I had before I was stuck on crapola meds that left me sedated and mindless? Or worse, induced psychotic symptoms that could satisfy a false diagnosis? Or better yet, my OCD with having Aspergers because it sounded better, well...until recent news stories made me decide Bipolar was a safer option.

Who is fooling who here? Do I care? I'm on stimulants...because I am too "vacant and spaced out" without them. What was once a symptom of dysphoria and schizophrenia, now apparently is a symptom of years of self neglect because I'm withdrawn and not expressing myself enough? WHaaat? But, if I'm even Bipolar then why aren't these stimulants making me that manic? And if Abilify acts as an upper why is the full dose making me sleepy. LOL.

My biggest problem right now is procrastination. Is DBT really what I need? Am I Bipolar? If so, then that must be better than schizophrenia...although I might as welll stop calling myself crazy. I started feeling proud of my label, even though it wasn't even half of anything my life story entails. The word itself, had nothing to do with me. I know I know, I'm over thinking everything...

I have a pre-occupation with ranting about my problems. Therapy is turning me into a mental health guru to my friends. I know more about psychology than most doctors and clinicians. I've been told by three students, my own therapist, and doctors that I should go into psychology or become an advocate for the mentally ill.

And yet, labels themselves are so meaningless these days. You know? People are just people. I am at odds with the idea of a mental illness.

The other problem is, I still want to know what's wrong chemically with my brain. Is that wrong? To actually want to know exactly what's going on so I can actually fix it? Started taking B12, Melatonin, and folic acid. OOOOOMMMMMGGG I feel amazing! I had no idea vitamins, like vision aids and all these things could actually fix your vision!! I had so much energy after the melatonin too.