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Bipolar boyfriend draining me
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Lostandconfusedbad posted:
Help me!! Idk what to do, I met a man 2 years ago that I used to date in high school...long story short we quickly fell in love...I moved in...I knew he had a problem with addictions in the past, but thought they were under control...we are on our second breakup now...I always leave him...I can't take the chatting with other women, gambling, drinking, and occasional drug use...I love this man with all my heart and when things are good, we are awesome...he tells me he does not want to be with me right now, but will not let me move on, he calls constantly, texts, and sabatoges any possible relationship with guys that are just friends...he tells me constantly I'm his soulmate nd we will get back together...he has drained me physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially, after I gave it my all and loved him unconditionally!! I just found out that long ago he was diagnosed as bipolar, but refuses to take meds...it all makes sense to me now, the addictions, mood swings, the small things he does...My life has been constant drama, ive lost friends and family defending him..i confronted him and he agreed to seek help...I can't sit around and wait for him to get better, if I'm just a safety net...I mean I'd love to open his brain and know what he is thinking, am I really the girl he loves? Is he staying away to really get help and just wasting my time? Someone please explain what he is thinking?? he is 38 and has never had a long term relationship like ours...i can't keep living waiting helping for nothing...for him to get better and walk away...help
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ddnos responded:
Hi,

Your situation sounds very close to that of my moms, but the one thing that she did that you haven't (yet) is she married the guy. She married him 22 years ago because she thought she could fix him. She is a huge enabler, which is in large part why she has stayed with him. He has drained her the same way you say your boyfriend has drained you!

My mom is almost 80 years old and in the past year alone, her memory has drastically gone downhill - she is under SO much stress because of him, AND because she accepts the stress that he puts upon her. Because of her enabling, she is afraid to leave him. She wonders who will take care of him if she leaves. I have told her not to worry about that because he will have no problem finding someone else to do the job. She is not happy, but because of her own issues, she has thus far been able to take a stand and leave.

So what I'm saying is if I were you, I would run as far away from him as you possibly can! Have NO contact with him; change your phone numbers if you have to, or if he calls or texts, don't annswer them. You can't make him change, and it's not fair to you or him to sit around and wait for him to change on his own. Just like I said to my mom, make a list of tall the pros and cons of staying with him - an honest list - and then honestly look at both sides and ask yourself if you are willing to live with that for the rest of your life. Is that how you want to live? Will that make you happy? From what you wrote, it doesnt' sound like it would! Don't make the same mistake that my mom did -you can't fix him. You deserve better than what he has to offer you. If you want to stay with him the way he is, ask yourself "why?" Why would you want to voluntarily live like that? It's not worth it. You have to walk away completely i.e. NO communication with him once you do that! He will convince you to come back at his convenience and then the whole process will start all over. Loving him has NOTHING to do with your decision. You need to love and take care of yourself.

Make the healthy choice for yourself! He has to take care of himself - not you!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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Lostandconfusedbad replied to ddnos's response:
Wow thank u so much, I try and understand, I try and think what goes through his mind!! I know no one will put up with him for long, I guess part of me feels sorry for him, when I hear him cry and say "why me" I spoke to him about this and he agrees that he needs help and said he is going to get it now, but again, he is all talk and never any action...he always denied he was bipolar until I showed him so much evidence that he couldn't disagree, and he didn't even try, but he also is broke and alone, I told him he needed to seek help and his mom agreed to help him do that!! I just still wonder if the last two years of my life was a lie!! I've wasted so much time on this man for him to constantly also me in the face...my breaking point was an email I received from him a few days ago insulting me like I was Nithing!! I just wish I would have never met him and I wouldn't hurt like this!!
 
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ddnos replied to Lostandconfusedbad's response:
Try not to dwell on the last two years other than "what can I learn about myself from it" I'm a believer that even when we make poor choices in life - and we all do - that they are not a waste when we can learn from them, you know? We just have to move on because to dwell on them only keeps us from moving forward in our lives.

Re your boyfriend saying that he's going to get help, my mom's husband has said that for the past 23 years! But he knows exactly how to maniuplate her into believing that things are better or will be Ok and it's not so bad, ect., but it never is and never will be. It's not until now that she's even considering divorcing him - 23 years later - 23 years of misery, stress, him stealing her money, him spending money obsessively on things he doesn't need nor want, money that ultimately comes out of my moms pocket, him drinking (he's an alcholic, binge drinker), him not participating or contributing to the relationship at all - ever - he is a mooch who lives with my mom for free - he pays nothing! He contributes nothing! My mom is treated like his slave/maid - but she goes along with it.

You really don't want to end up in the same place as my mom! She won't leave him becaus she feels sorry for him and is afraid of how he will take care of himself! But know what? He WON"T take care of himself! He'll find someone else to do it for him!

Please, don't allow this to happen to you whether with this guy or with any other relationship in the future! You are worth more than that, and just because he has a mental illness, does NOT give him permission to behave the way he is and it doesn't mean that you have to take care of him to the neglect and unhappiness of yourself!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown


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